i was put at a loss for words today

i stopped dead in my tracks. stared at the computer screen like a deer does at headlights. for a min. for 2. for 10. for 30. for what seemed like forever. whether or not i want to be saved all depends on who the person is that's saving me. if i could control my dreams then they wouldn't make me feel like this. so i guess i need to just dream about someone else. someone that has absolutly nothing to do with me. maybe then i can wake up again without the first thought of the day being one that brings pain to my heart.
i don't have life figured out at all. maybe one day i'll be at the point where lies can fill in all of the answers. maybe then i'll smile. maybe then i'll be like everyone else. or maybe i'll just always be this different depressed fucked up little boy who probably just needs a few more pills. i can't even swallow pills though. they're always white, the color of innocence, but they come with more warnings then sky diving. how is a pill supposed to change a heart that's 1,000 times the size of it? i need a new town. i need a new heart. i need some new friends. i need a new life. i need to just start over. and im getting that chance.
my angle's holding it on a platter.
and im racing the devil to take it.