I hope I'm changing for the right reasons.

Fall Out Boy is no longer my favorite band. There I said it. I will always love them; they just aren't #1 to me anymore. Went to their concert Tuesday. Had meet and greet. Meeting them was really awesome, but Pete didn't show. I won't get into how upset that made me. But it's not cause of that, I've kind of been feeling this way for awhile.

Summer,
I'm scared of what you will bring. It helps knowing I'll at least have one amazing weekend. But what about all the other days? What will they be like?


Good thing we are almost at the end.
I need a break.
<3

MOVE

what's that just kind of a slap in the face? saying, here, enjoy this weekend. Life will never be this good again.

People are so fucked up in this world

Think about it. It's fucked up. 90% at least. We are all good, but I guess people have become to scared to show it or have forgotten how. What ever happened to just hanging out? What happened to a night without drugs or alcohol? I look down on everyone. I would never leave this world because I'm not good enough to be in it. Only because I'm better than it all. I understand things very few ever would. Middle fingers up. Leave them there. Just hate everyone. No one has any good friends anymore. They are just all assholes and bitches that will talk behind each others backs. Not really be there. And won't talk about that. There's a 50% divorce rate, but we don't see that as a problem. What will happen when there's a 50% suicide rate?



Me vs. the World
It's not a fair fight
I'd say "fuck off" but that'd be hypocritical.

so many things bout the past 24 hours went wrong

I love seeing what you could call enemies fail. im an asshole. and a hypocrite. write me off. hate me. sometimes I hate myself. So I guess we at least have that in common. Where are the good people in the world?


"If we're fucked up, you're to blame"
<3

I hate myself sometimes

but before you look or talk down on me, look in the mirror. No one is perfect. In fact, we all have moments when we just seem like complete assholes to everyone around us. Even the most caring people. We find out what's real, but then we go back into a society which is so hard. Today, someone in my Ethics class, was in a very interesting discussion about freedom, and self-respect and whatnot. He shared a personal experience; when we lived in the dorms years ago and his roommate and roommate's friend came in drunk one night and they just beat the shit out of him. You couldn't even tell it was him. Why did they do it? Because he's gay. He moved out, and years later he is now going to the school again. But he feels like no one there will understand him. He goes to his classes, does his homework, and goes back home. He has one person he actually talks to. That's it. One friend on a campus of thousands. This really hit me, as it should. I raise my hand to comment on it, and I had something else to say, I can't remember; but I was going to start off by saying; "I'm sorry that happened to you. That's screwed up, and I can't blame you at all for isolating yourself after that. But I hope you are able to see the good people too." Or something like that. The professor didn't notice me, and just made a quick comment about it and moved on. No one said to him that it was wrong that that happened to him. It was unfair. That he didn't deserve it. No one said sorry. And I was thinking about how I wanted to talk to him when class ended. Just offer to listen, maybe tell him about TWLOHA and building community. Or just say if he'd be up for it, I'd love to just sit and talk with him sometime, get to know him. But then I was thinking about it. How hard it is to do that. How I felt like I knew no one else in the class would say anything to him. It's almost expected. And that is so FUCKED UP! Why is it that I feel uncomfortable going up to someone like that and offering to listen? Why is it that everyone does? Cause I mean, no one else did, so they either felt uncomfortable or worse didn't care. I walked out of the class and walked to the end of the hallway. I stood at the stairs, waiting for him to come planning on talking to him for a minute. But he came out, got a hug from his one friend; and headed the other way. I didn't head after him. I want to write him a letter, give it to him Monday. Or just offer to talk to him Monday after class. (though I like the idea of a letter more because I have a class shortly after that one) And that leads to another thing. Why the fuck is it in our society, that a class, a job, a homework assignment or anything like that seems more important than having a conversation, or being there for someone who is going through shit? When I was real depressed, I'd skip school a decent amount. But i think it helped my recovery process so much. And I hate that I have conversations with people going through an absolute load of shit. But they don't feel they can skip a day of school, or blow off an assignment. They don't think they can say forget school, I need to help myself right now. ITS FUCKED. And maybe there is some psychological explanation. But it needs to change. And it needs to change right now. I'm not involved in TWLOHA and whatnot just to help people with depression and suicide and those things. I think it can overall make the world a better place. Anyway, I got off topic a little bit there. I hope I do talk to this guy in my class. I'm hypocritical for what I just said, I know. I walked away when I could've chased after him. But I think that goes into the idea that we are all broken. I know I'm wrong too. But helping broken people makes the helpers less broken too. It's a two way process. It just needs to start. I don't know if I'm just writing this to clear my conscience, motivate myself, or motive others. But I'm sure there is a reason for it. I have made this too long already, even though I haven't even said half of what I would like to. Maybe in another blog, maybe in another conversation, maybe in another life.

It always goes back to u

what if the real reason im doing all of this, is just to hope that some day you'll respect me again? that I want for a day to come where you will be proud to say you loved me. that you knew me. what if this really is just me wanting your approval? another hug?
I'm not saying any of this is a bad thing, I'm just saying it's possible. Maybe I'm ok with it.

Ugh

one of those days where you do everything right, and you're supposed to feel good. but it seems no one will let you.
you feel like you are a good person, but where are all your friends when you just want to talk?


<3

I love good days

They've been happening a lot since the conference.
Can' wait for this summer.
Living in the now.

<3