I'm now 22 years old, and I still spend most days trying to figure out what being a man means

I keep growing up. I keep changing. I've felt like over the past couple of years I have become a little less energetic, hopeful, caring, compassionate, etc. This has bothered me a lot for awhile, but I'm learning to be okay with it. I believe that the amount of these feelings and actions are all like energy in that they can't be created nor destroyed. They can only change form, or in this case, people. Maybe there is the same amount of hope on the earth at all times. The only thing that changes is what people posses it at different moments. This idea makes me smile, and also allows me to sleep a little better at night. We Don't Need to Whisper by AVA is playing right now. It's making me feel alive. It hits my heart, and I feel something. I feel like these notes and words are reminding me that it's always ok to think and to feel. My mind feels a little at ease. I feel passion in my heart right now. I want to be a better person everyday. I have for years, and this is still true. And maybe I don't act on this as much as I used to... but I still try. That is what matters. I'm doing things to try to build and help community around me. I'm having dinners at my apartment over the summer. I am so lucky to have a job that allows me to simply help others and be there for them. This job can be difficult, because everyday it reminds me that I can't change people, I can only encourage them and let them know I care and I'm there for them. There are still times in which I want to hug someone so hard that I squeeze the pain out of them. Every time I don't take the motorcycle home, my mind races in the truck. I think about that time I left an apartment in Fall River, and didn't even make it off 79 to 24 before I had to pull over and cry uncontrollably with sobs asking "WHY?" in between breaths. 30 Seconds to Mars was playing in the background. But every time I think about this, it becomes a little easier. What's great to is I know that if it ever starts to get worse, I can go talk to someone. I have learned that I can't change the world, though I won't ever tell anyone they can't. People should be allowed to dream for as long as they can. If someone believes they can, I'm not going to challenge them, I'll simply smile and say good luck. I don't feel I can change the world, but I know I can impact and stay with people. From the moment we are born, we start becoming a little less of ourselves and a little more of everyone else. It's beautiful. I'm thankful for so many things, and I hope you are too. I don't care if I'm at work tomorrow all day, and I don't care if it might be inappropriate, I want to hug everyone I see. I want to just say, "It's my birthday, can I have a hug?" Maybe I'll do it on some day that's not my birthday if I don't tomorrow. That would be fun. I love my family, my friends, my job, at least some of the schooling I'm doing, and that I'm alive instead of dead. I know I could die at any moment. I'm not going to say I hope I live another 22 years. I'm going to say I hope the world becomes a better place. I believe right now, in this moment, that everything in this world is the way it is because of a reason. And I'm at peace with that. It is comfortable. I hope you get a hug tomorrow. I write in this blog less because I have more true and real conversations with people instead of putting stuff in here. I hope that you start to do that too. Today is a holiday for you just as much as it is for me. Because everyday is a holiday. With Hope, Kevin

A promise to myself

Never will I come home from my job, which includes helping those who are in recovery from drugs/alcohol, and have a drink to relieve my stress. I'm not sure if this is more for them, for me, or for everybody. Life is busy. This is okay, as long as you are still smiling and caring. <3