Grief

I'm learning lately that there's a big difference between most of my friends and myself. When something tragic happens: My friends- I'm here to talk if you need me Me- When can we grab coffee? That is a big difference. I never realized how much it can mean until now unfortunately being on the other side of the tragedy. I want to be as caring as I can. Always. I'm going to try to really work on that. <3

Someone viewed this page yesterday. I'll guess it's the same person that took her last breath yesterday

I never thought she'd make me feel like this again. Helpless. Lost. Confused. Hurt. Sad. Scared. Angry. Angry at myself, at her, and at everyone and everything. Just a desire to feel. I guess all the emotions get so mixed up that I'm just left with a feeling of numbness. Yesterday, my ex girlfriend died by suicide. I'm not sure I know how to feel, act, or react. I'm used to being on the opposite side of this conversation. I don't think it's fully hit me yet though. That's for sure. Because I'm functioning. And I don't think I should be. People leave our lives, and it hurts for a little while. But it hurts a little less everyday. And eventually, we stop feeling the pain. It hurts less because as much as maybe we aren't in their lives, we know that they have their own. That they are living their own life, and it's probably going okay, if not better. Her life wasn't going okay. In fact, it was so (insert negative word that maybe she would've used, because I don't know why and it's not my place to guess) that she decided to quit it. To give up on life, completely. To leave behind those that cared about her. I still cared about her. I still loved her. And I say that in a past tense only because I don't know what exactly "her" is anymore. I don't know if you can care and/or love the idea of someone. I don't know what happens after death. She was someone special to me. She taught me a lot about life, the hardships of it, and a lot about growing up. She use to tell me how fucked up her world was; how difficult her life was. I always was still able to find beauty in it. She taught me how to have fun in a place I didn't feel connected. In florida, we went to the beach every night. To hear the waves and look at the stars, and to go in the water. She allowed me to experience the joy of having a beautiful baby sit in my lap while I read to her. A baby that now has no mother, and a dead beat prick ass dad that'll never be in her life. This woman could've done wonderful things. She did, but she could've done more. I don't know why she decided to end her life, and I'd like to try to get a little better of an idea why she did; but I do know that she was one of the strongest woman I've ever known. She has taught me things that I will keep with me forever. Dear ____, I'm sorry life got to this point. I'm sorry giving up seemed like an acceptable choice. I know we weren't great at always showing it, but there are a lot of people that care about you. I'm sorry we haven't talked in months. I was scared. For you and me, and the future. I was selfish and wanted to make sure I continued to "move forward" with my life. I didn't reach out. I've stopped sending random texts to not just you, but everyone. Little things like, "Good morning, have a wonderful day." These texts will start again. I know you believed in spiritual things, and some Buddhist ideas. I hope that you have been re-created and have come back to this earth. I hope that you are your favorite flower. I hope people take the time to notice your beauty, and appreciate you as much as you deserve. I hope they appreciate you more. Thank you for allowing me to walk through part of your life with you. Thank you for sharing the good times, and teaching me in the bad. Fuck. I miss you. I want to hug you. Or even just know that you're breathing, and doing okay. I don't even have to see you. I just want you to be happy. May our paths cross down the road, in future lives, or where ever it is we end up. With Hope, Kevin I would always rather have a friend call me at 2am, even if I haven't spoken to them in years, then to find out the next day that they took their own life. I don't say that for myself, it doesn't matter who the hell says this, but everyone should hear it. You are loved. You are important. People that don't know you want to hug you and walk through the hard times with you. There's someone out there you haven't met yet that you'll want to kiss. There's dreams you haven't even formed yet that you'll accomplish. There's places you'll see that will take your breath away. There's moments that will make you cry tears of joy. There's days you'll spend almost all of smiling and laughing. There's moments you'll share with others that'll become memories. There's the entire world, and the entire rest of your life waiting. Please don't ever give up. Please keep breathing. Please pick up the phone. Please go knock on a door. Please tell someone you're not okay in the present moment. It's okay to do all these things. It's encouraged. It's the better choice than giving up. "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." <3 This is one of those rare moments that we can actually say goodbye.... Goodbye Beth