Currently

Doing the right thing right now. It's not really easy, but I know it's what best for both of us.
Before I can have a healthy relationship again, I feel like I need a stronger community of friends and loved ones around me.
This is what I will focus on.

Excited to go home this weekend.
excited to go to sleep right now.
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a thought

maybe I'm not better than everyone else. Maybe I'm stuck in between the people I think I'm better than and the people I inspire to be more like. Rejecting one and being rejected by the other.

"Good God can you still get us home?"

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It's time to type more than a couple of words again

These past couple of weeks have made me wonder if I've just been running away from everything the past few years. My biggest fear in life is that I do just enough to get by. I'm honest just enough to not look like a liar. I'm caring just enough to not seem like an asshole. That maybe when I'm talking to people going through shit, I don't say everything I can to help them. Maybe just enough to get me out of the situation. This is something I've been thinking a lot the past couple of days. But it goes back way further than that. This is the last thing I've wrote in my journal last year after the suicide note.
I want love. GOD DAMN IT! I just want LOVE! I wanted that one person to fall asleep next to every night. I want that one person to grow old with. And if she dies, first, I'll kill myself the next day. Maybe that's fucked, or maybe that's true love. This I've said before. No song can fit this mood right now. I feel like I'm letting life slip away. TWLOHA is a great thing to have in my life, especially without having a girlfriend, or anyone like that. But I want more. I want to not feel like I'm living to different lives. Why can't I be the person I am at TWLOHA events, or when I'm doing that stuff? I feel like everything else brings out less than the best of me, if not the worst. This is why I miss MOVE so much. This is why I want to just go live on an island with those people. They get it. They love me for me, and the encourage and inspire me to be the best person I can. Around here, I feel like there are very few people like that in my life. I want to change this, but I'm struggling with it. And maybe I'm fixated on this right now, but it's better than me sitting in misery and feeling like I just got stabbed in the heart and got teased by love. IT HURTS! Did you know that?
Don't ever for a second think I forget what it feels like to be alone. To want to go back to my struggles. I don't have a person in my life that I can think about when I wake up every morning instead of the debates about what today will bring. Looking through the day and trying to find a reason to get up.

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Cause I can't,

I need to find someone who has the power to bring out the best in me.


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This isn't a band. This isn't an organization. This isn't a writer. This is ME

Living life.
Making it my own.
If that means writing less, that's what it means.
I've been scared to post anything worthwhile on here for a while. I guess I feel like this is holding my back a little. Like if I write, I'll become a little less happy. Or a little more aware of the negatives surrounding me. But I'm not. I'm focusing on the positives.
She's the first thing on my mind when I wake up.
Sophomore slump or comeback of the year.
I'm gona let me heart push away the fear and see what happens.
A lot of questions could be answered in the next couple of months, weeks, even days.
I'm not giving up on this one.

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Flat out

I need to stop drinking so much. it's not out of control, but I don't like how it can take up my time. I could be doing more productive things.
and being a little hungover isn't fun.

Going away to college (again)

I haven't really talked to anyone from MOVE in awhile. It sucks. These are the people I can talk to anything and anyone about. They are my therapists. But they are also such close friends. So why can't they just call sometimes? Why can't they talk to me?
Maybe it's unfair to ask these questions.
Maybe I need to work on myself a little bit right now first, and then that will come. Better relationships. Maybe an actual relationship.
FUCK.
sometimes it hurts.
can I build community here? Does anyone else want it?
Are people willing to work on their shallow selves?
Cause that needs to happen before anyone else can.

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