These past couple of weeks have made me wonder if I've just been running away from everything the past few years. My biggest fear in life is that I do just enough to get by. I'm honest just enough to not look like a liar. I'm caring just enough to not seem like an asshole. That maybe when I'm talking to people going through shit, I don't say everything I can to help them. Maybe just enough to get me out of the situation. This is something I've been thinking a lot the past couple of days. But it goes back way further than that. This is the last thing I've wrote in my journal last year after the suicide note.
I want love. GOD DAMN IT! I just want LOVE! I wanted that one person to fall asleep next to every night. I want that one person to grow old with. And if she dies, first, I'll kill myself the next day. Maybe that's fucked, or maybe that's true love. This I've said before. No song can fit this mood right now. I feel like I'm letting life slip away. TWLOHA is a great thing to have in my life, especially without having a girlfriend, or anyone like that. But I want more. I want to not feel like I'm living to different lives. Why can't I be the person I am at TWLOHA events, or when I'm doing that stuff? I feel like everything else brings out less than the best of me, if not the worst. This is why I miss MOVE so much. This is why I want to just go live on an island with those people. They get it. They love me for me, and the encourage and inspire me to be the best person I can. Around here, I feel like there are very few people like that in my life. I want to change this, but I'm struggling with it. And maybe I'm fixated on this right now, but it's better than me sitting in misery and feeling like I just got stabbed in the heart and got teased by love. IT HURTS! Did you know that?
Don't ever for a second think I forget what it feels like to be alone. To want to go back to my struggles. I don't have a person in my life that I can think about when I wake up every morning instead of the debates about what today will bring. Looking through the day and trying to find a reason to get up.
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Kevin I had no idea you had been keeping the blog for so long. I have to go back and read all this stuff now! I think this is a very interesting post... specifically the sentence "I feel like I'm letting life slip away". This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately, and I've tried to reason with myself about it too.
There is a ton of substance in your posts man... you could write an entire book about some of them. Keep it coming...
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