I'm only writing this one for myself.... okay, maybe I lied.

I'm at a difficult point in my life. It's hard to make my life better right now, and to make myself a stronger person without connecting with my parents. We get along, we can joke around, and have shallow talks, but that's about it. I feel like it'd be good for me to sit down and talk with them. Really talk with them. Talk about what I went through, about what I felt, how they handled it, what I didn't like, what I don't like about them, and why it's hard for me to respect them. But that scares me so much.
I think, "why haven't they ever asked me to talk?.." but I remember that they did.. a few years ago. When I was seeing a therapist, they said they'd be willing to come in and do like family counseling, I told them to fuck off. So it's understandable they haven't.
I was reading the Orphaned Anything's by Stephen Christian (great book), and it was talking about how this kid was on his bed in the hospital after he had attempted suicide. And his main regret was never talking to his mom, never feeling like he had a family. I realized that I'm headed in that path (the regretting path, not suicide). I'm too scared to change it I guess.
I could make excuses, say that I'd be better doing it when I'm home a weekend from college, so I don't have to stick around if it doesn't go well. Saying life is a tiny bit shaky right now to begin with, and I should wait until I feel really great about my life. But these are just that, excuses. Maybe I'll never feel ready, never feel like it's a right time. Though I wonder if I get married, that'd be a good time. But maybe I just have to do it.
My dad and I talked about it once, kind of briefly. I came home for a weekend, I was really happy, excited about TWLOHA stuff, and we were driving up to Five Guys to eat. He asked me about when I was depressed, what they did wrong, what they could've done better. To be honest, I was thrown off by it, I wasn't ready. Funny huh? I know it needs to be done, but I don't even think about what I would say. We talked briefly, but when the driving ended, so did the conversation. I feel like he'll never ask me again, that was good enough for him. I feel like my mom doesn't feel like she deserves to ask. Let me go psychological for a minute. I feel like my mom never got over shit she went through growing up. She can't handle herself well. All she has learned is to be "happy", to be fake. She can't handle anything that means change well. She can't handle bad news. I don't respect her because of this. It's horrible things to say, I know. And as for my Dad, I don't get how he can let her be like that. Like she's not horrible, I feel like I'm over-exagerating. But ya, I don't know. Just some other things, little things, about my dad, I don't get. They aren't horrible people. Let me make that clear! They are good people, nice, caring people. I just hold high standards I guess. : /
But I hope things can change, eventually. I hope that can get better. Let me end it with this, last night was a good night. Between talking to a friend, and that book, it made me think a lot. And I think it forced me to think about myself, think about my life, who I am. I don't do that enough. Overall, I like my life, I think I'm a good person. But that feels weird to say, I don't know if it's cause I'm wrong, or cause I've never felt like that before. I guess time will tell. This is enough for now.

< 3

Thank You God

I feel like I'll be able to sleep now. and this night didn't get ruined.

I felt like I had to type that somewhere.

And here feels right.

< 3
night

Which one is this?

You hold out. You trust time, and try with all of your heart to believe things will work out for the best.

They might.
Or
They might not.


Not knowing answers can suck.

I'd ask the questions to get them, but you're not listening.

< 3

This time of year and me don't get along

FUCK CHRISTMAS
there are more broken homes than anything else in this country. think about that and have a merry christmas.
Let me be negative for once in my life.
Depression and I are fighting. I'm trying to stay positive, to not let things get to me. But it's hard.

I don't get how someone can sleep next to you all night, and then not talk to you for a couple of days. Especially when they are so sad when you have to go.

I feel guilty saying it a little bit. But It feels soooo good to. The good as in doing the right thing or the good as in a temporary high, I don't know. But I'll take what I can get right now.

I hope to I don't fuck this up. I really don't. That's all that's been in my mind since the beginning.
I feel good about this.
But by writing like this, well, I am fucking it up.
So I'm going to stop.

"Merry Christmas, I could care less" - that song will be my best friend tomorrow night

< 3

I'm addicted to hope.

And I can't wait for my next fix.

: )

Today was an amazingly great day.