Guess what? Sleep and I aren't getting along tonight

Lot on my mind I guess. My sister is also up this late. Weird haha. We are becoming so close. It makes me happy. It's legit one of the few things that make me really happy and love life lately. Having someone like her.
Otherwise, life's stressful. It's my first day back and I'm already stressed. I'm working on becoming more inspired with things and less stressed. It's going alright. I at least know how I can make it happen. Or at least I feel like I can. It's tough though. I had a really really great day Friday. Meeting with someone from AFSP, hanging out with friends, going to see Anis, having a great conversation with a friend after. I was loving it. I was very happy.
Two weekends ago, I got to hang out with a very close friend in Boston. He said at least a few times how much he loved life that day. I didn't forget it. It's stuck with me. I was extremely happy for him, that he was at that place in life. And I've realized that now no matter how I'm feeling, if someone asks me how life is, I'll say good. Because it is good. I have all the essential things I need. And that's all that really matters. So even if a day isn't too good, it still is in a way.
Worried about the UChapter. Trying to figure out the best way to deal with some things. Hopefully they'll get better.


Thanks Kelly, and Jason. This is incredible to listen to.
http://kellyhasadventures.tumblr.com/post/467213783/jasonblades-where-words-fail-music-speaks

I guess there's not a lot on my mind. So I don't know why exactly I can't sleep. : /.

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it's 2:30 am. I can't sleep

A lot on my mind. Life's been difficult lately. In a different way than when it use to be difficult. I'm trying to find more useful things to do with my life. I guess I feel like I'm just waiting to fall in love, I'm ready to. Until then, I'm just going to try to help others, change the world, put more good into it.
Is that messed up to say though? I'm ready to love? I mean I can always be a better person. I can always improve. So why am I just sitting here waiting? Am I really scared that improving myself more might just lead to get me conceited and not feel like anyone is good enough for me? Or do I really need to work on myself. I don't like people that drink, yet Saturday night I went and got drunk. After talking to a girl that afternoon who's going through a TON of shit, and her parent's can't pay for her to go see someone because they don't have money. But her dad's an alcoholic and has money for beer all the time. It's a fucked up situation. But I just go, and get drunk that night. I'm indirectly helping her dad be an alcoholic. I'm buying beer, it's helping the company, the company is giving him the beer. Maybe I'm hard on myself sometimes, but I wouldn't want it any other way. We are too soft on ourselves a lot. We CAN do more. We ARE power.
I just fucking hate certain things sometimes.
When I make a post like this, I can rant about things, and they are good, and they come from my heart. But it's not what's really on my mind. What's really keeping me up this late.
I'm going back to see my therapist 2mrw. Y? because yesterday wasn't a great day. For a moment, I got a familiar feeling of getting my heart ripped that brought me back a couple of years. It scared me. I'm glad I called. I'm glad I'm going to go talk to her. But for some reason, I feel a little ashamed. It feels like a step backwards. I don't know why exactly, but it does.
I'm still hopeful. I still want to do good things. I want to help people. So idk what's wrong really. I have a few friends I can talk to. They are good friends. Idk what's wrong. But I guess something is.
Maybe it's the bigger questions like, why am I at college? Why am I wasting my time in certain classes? What else could I be doing with my life? I'm running out of way to make myself grow as a person at UML. There's so much of the world out there. I want to go do stuff with different non-profits. I want to help more people, change bigger things. I'm not saying move away from helping single people one-on-one with struggles. I'm saying do more in addition to that.
I don't like sitting at home and watching tv, or playing xbox, or just doing nothing. It's not relaxing and it's not enjoyable for me.
I want to go make a difference. When people say "slow down in life" I don't think they're talking to me.
: /

Hopefully today with my therapist goes well.
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(I always proof-read these before I post them. Right now, I didn't. Hope it's not too bad.)

Fuck spring break. Fuck a ton of shit right now

What happened to living a life you like? So when Friday comes, it's just another night. Instead of a chance to get drunk and run away from it all.



So many people are fucking with my heart and head in so many ways.

I fucking hate being home. That will never change I guess.

Kevin

Getting through the week....

This week, eh well.. I guess it's better than the past two so far. But it still sucks.
It's the same problems.
"friends" never reach out, never talk to me, never try to make plans.
I have so much shit to do for school, but I don't even know if it's worth it. If this is what I want to do.
Love and I are fighting. I think I want to push it away from the next couple of years.
Just be alone, do things, help people.
But it's fucked. I'm at a point in my life where I'm ready to love. FINALLY!! But it seems like no one else is. And I'm okay with waiting, but it sucks when I have to see people around me have someone when I don't. That's the toughest part of getting out of bed in the morning lately I think.

I'm not fully upset, I have a couple of friends who are in my life, and who mean a lot. And care about me. And I'm thankful for them. Days which I would consider shitty are now upgraded to kinda crappy cause I at least have them in my life.

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Kevin