2am is lonely

Listening to Caspian. I need to get away. For the past week I've just been wanting to get in my car and go for a drive at night. I haven't been okay since I found out. She's doing better. But I'm not. Maybe that's selfish, maybe its not. It's hard to focus on this. To talk about it. My favorite part of the day is talking to her mom. Even if it's just for two minutes. Because it's talking about it with someone that GETS IT! Someone that I know is as worried and cares. Even more so than me.
I'm scared I'm in love.
I'm scared it's going to hurt.
The only reason I haven't run away is because I have a plan in case things go bad. I can go intern for TWLOHA. Get away from everything. That's my big secret plan. Happy you know it?
I'm a fucking coward. No. No I'm not. I'd just go and delete that, but we can do that with life. We are never perfect. There's no back space or spell check. People forget that. People don't suck, though sometimes they can choose to.
Even now, I'm running away from the topic. From the thoughts of her. I want to go live in a house with other people that love me and work on forming a community. Sadly, and extremely pathetic, that place is not the house I grew up in and the people aren't my family. Fuck! I'm not staying on track. I mean, then again, do I have to? This happening was probably just the icing on the cake. I've known for a long time I have a shit load of emotions bottled up inside. But I'm okay with that. If you know me, you know how passionate I can be. Where do you think that comes from?
This past year has been pretty great.
I love her, but I'm scared.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
I don't know if we are meant for each other. I don't know if I can stand waiting. I don't know if I'm strong enough for her. I don't know if when she says certain things they are coming from the chemicals in her brain, or something bigger in her heart. And that's what scares me the most.

"I cannot live, I can not breath unless you do this with me"
Life's waiting to begin.
I'm trying to figure out where we fit in each others. : /

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