Read a new blog tonight. HEYCHRIS from FOB.

Really good stuff. The past 6 nights, I've drank at least one beer. Helps me fall asleep I guess. Tonight, I haven't. I stopped that, because I know it was going to get out of hand. So maybe that's why it's 4am and I'm still awake. But I'm not sure. I feel good though right now. Just stood out on the balcony for ten minutes. Lowell in general, especially the view form my balcony isn't anything special at all. But it felt good to feel the cold air. Maybe thats why I like going outside this time of year late at night with a coffee. Feeling cold and warm. A constant mix, cause that's why life is. And just feeling something and knowing I am feeling it. Maybe that's my minor little thing I do instead of cutting. But yeah, anyway... I kinda wanna make coffee and stay up all night. But there's not much else to do. Lowell isn't the place I wanna go for a walk at 4am alone. I'm not in the mood to go for a drive. And tv will put me to sleep. So I guess I'm just going to choose sleep anyway. Trying to make sure that helping others doesn't become an overwhelming part of my life again where emotions are so attached. Almost at the point where I can say that's not happening right now.


Hope the days have steadily been "not shitty" so much that you are starting to think "okay" is possible.
Maybe I shouldn't have wrote that, but I did. Too late. If it backfires, it's 4am and that's my excuse. And that I was sober.


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Want to know the real me?

This is my life. Sitting in my apartment at school on a Friday night lonely. Thinking of love, and even lust. Remember the times when I didn't feel this alone. I'm not okay being alone. And I'm not in the mood to go get drunk. No group of people up here I'd even want to with. And I feel like that'll just lead to me hitting on girls because I'm lonely. This is my blog, so I'm going to be fucking honest: I wish I didn't meet so many girls going through shit. I wish I could just meet a girl that's doing okay, and could actually like me for who I am and trust me, and believe in a relationship. I'm looking for love in all the wrong places. And I don't know how things will happen. Except I just hope they will. This whole blog could be me having the courage enough to be real because there's alcohol in my system. Or maybe it's not true because of that. I'm a 20 year old kid waiting to accept my dream job and go start a new life. But I'm fucking scared shitless. And nights like this, I have to sit here and try to think of reasons to stay alive. Reasons to not grab a sharp object and go back to the way things were 3 years alone. You think I'm okay, but I'm the best liar I know. Tomorrow I'll hopefully be hanging out with a good friend. And maybe he can help me make a little more sense of myself. Life's only boring if you have your eyes closed going through it. I feel like that's a positive statement, and it just came to my mind. Doesn't go along with the rest of this, but I'm going to leave it in there anyway. Loving the bands that write about misery, but are able to make music their life, and have fun playing songs that are about heavy hearts. A good balance of the way life should be in a sense. Started playing my bass again this week. It has helped. But it's not quite good enough. Need something more. What that is, well I don't know. If I did, I would be stuck sitting here alone at midnight drowning in misery.
I give and give and give and put up walls, that people just kind of assume I'm okay somehow. That they either are just getting help from me, so they don't really ask about myself. Or they have asked, but I put up walls. I'm waiting for someone to come break them down.

What if every single thing I've written and thought of for every other person, I've thought for myself too?
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