Really good stuff. The past 6 nights, I've drank at least one beer. Helps me fall asleep I guess. Tonight, I haven't. I stopped that, because I know it was going to get out of hand. So maybe that's why it's 4am and I'm still awake. But I'm not sure. I feel good though right now. Just stood out on the balcony for ten minutes. Lowell in general, especially the view form my balcony isn't anything special at all. But it felt good to feel the cold air. Maybe thats why I like going outside this time of year late at night with a coffee. Feeling cold and warm. A constant mix, cause that's why life is. And just feeling something and knowing I am feeling it. Maybe that's my minor little thing I do instead of cutting. But yeah, anyway... I kinda wanna make coffee and stay up all night. But there's not much else to do. Lowell isn't the place I wanna go for a walk at 4am alone. I'm not in the mood to go for a drive. And tv will put me to sleep. So I guess I'm just going to choose sleep anyway. Trying to make sure that helping others doesn't become an overwhelming part of my life again where emotions are so attached. Almost at the point where I can say that's not happening right now.
Hope the days have steadily been "not shitty" so much that you are starting to think "okay" is possible.
Maybe I shouldn't have wrote that, but I did. Too late. If it backfires, it's 4am and that's my excuse. And that I was sober.
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