7 more weeks and then I hope we can be friends again

there's still so much unresolved in my life. and I can't live with it all. That's why I'm always afraid to be alone. Memories will creep back. I don't know if I should call if love, but fuck. I care, and I care a lot. I mean, we haven't talked in 6 or 7 months and you are still in my prayers every night. You are on my mind right now. If it wasn't you, It'd probably be something else. I'm not going to feel ok tonight. Maybe tomorrow I will. But how do I get through tonight? That's rhetorical. Been reading up on the meaning of life today. It's funny how much we can talk about something that we don't know shit about. I'm more worried about how a few certain people are doing than I am about dying. What does that mean?


Sometimes you just have days where those gaps that you try so well to hide in your heart come out anyway.
<3

I'm going back in time, but pushing ahead faster than ever

Waking up not tired.
Going to sleep before 11 every night.
I feel like a little kid again

Actually having days that I believe are productive.
Getting so much done in one day.
Having conversations everyday that matter.
That go so deeper then "hey, what's up?"
Helping people
People helping me.
My brain feels like it's finally being used.
Maybe the chemicals are balancing out.
My heart seems to tell me I'm home.
I feel every beat.
A week ago I meant a group of people I now feel like I can call my best friends.
We are hundreds if not thousands of miles apart but I feel we are only going to be getting closer.
The sun is shining and I feel the energy.
But don't go too fast.
Stop and look at what's around.
Take in the natural beauty.
The only kind of beauty.
Staring at a tree for ten minutes.
The little things matter again.

Every morning I wake up. I mean that in so much more than the sense of opening my eyes. I feel alive and not just because I have a pulse, but what the pulse means. It's beating for a purpose. And this one, this time, I will never lose faith. I can see myself taking this with my until the grave. But it will carry on from my tombstone. Because It's so much bigger than me. I know they are on my side. And when you find out who exactly "they" is... we'll that's when you find some of the best people in the world. Let's meet at the top of the tallest mountain in a year. Just to tell the world how far we've come. As individuals. And the people that deserve it so much more than me; as a community. This isn't getting credit to be polite, this is giving credit where it's truly due.
If you feel like you are falling.... we will probably be waiting to catch you.

<3

TWLOHA conference

Ironically, I come back and start doing work. I find out I have to write a paper describing an amazing experience I've had. EASY!:

This past weekend, I was lucky enough to go to a conference in Coco Beach, FL. It was a conference for starting a chapter at UML for To Write Love On Her Arms. TWLOHA is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and also invest directly into treatment and recovery. This mission statement doesn’t do justice for the movement that has so many caring people working for them. People who I was fortunate enough to be around from Thursday till Saturday.
The issues discussed here are things I hold so close to my heart; things I want to live for so I can help people walk down their paths less alone. It was exciting to me because I was able to have honest conversations about topics that can unfortunately sometimes be hard to talk about. People with amazing stories surrounded me. The counselors, speakers, interns, and also the 24 other people who attended this session of the conference. We all had such a care for this movement, and I think that’s why we ere able to become so close right away.
The first night I felt like I was surrounded by best friends who I’d known not just for a few hours; but for a lifetime. There was so much lightness filling the room during these conversations about such dark, heavy topics. But these people had some of the best personalities I’ve ever met; and they were normal. They were real. We would walk on the beach, go in the pool, eat at IHOP at midnight and talk in the hotel lobby until 2 or 3 in the morning. I felt this sense of community. I felt loved, and I loved everyone around me.
The conference ended, but the movement is still just beginning. Some of the relationships I made there I believe will last throughout my life. We are planning to meet next summer again, and all already miss each other. It was an amazing weekend, and I am so glad I went. I feel like these words do it an injustice. That it was better than I could ever possibly explain. That the personalities were more creative, unique, and caring than I could ever describe. The passion stronger than anything else in our lives. We were all grateful learning and spreading the word that love is the movement.

<3

Today I realized why my dream hasn't come true

When you think you have everything figured out.
Go back to the first step again, because you are probably wrong.


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don't ever forget it

you just need to admit your down before you can start to get back up.


who makes your life worth living right now? thank them.
if you feel there isn't anyone, go out of your way tomorrow to say hi to someone.
its amazing how much one person can turn your life around
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With one slip, goes my hope

I'm falling again. I lasted longer than I did before. But how can you judge improvement when at the end always lies failure? It's not as simple as it seems though. Give me some credit, I'm not that shallow. It's everything I've been holding in. Trying to push forward. Am I really better when a bad test grade and a sad song can slip my mind right back into where it used to be? Questions never get answers. So why do we ask them? Because we know other people wonder the same things, but they just can't bring themselves to say it. Every time we fall, we are still helping others. After all I've been through, I want some fucking answers. But maybe the ones I'm looking for only come with death.
I thought I was getting better. But before I had the chance to be sure, no one gave me the chance to change. Heck, I had given up on myself, so I guess it's hard to blame them for doing the same. With every minute the phone doesn't go off, the lonesome grows. I spent yesterday in a room alone all day. It felt horrible. My heart goes out to people that have given up on their chance for of a happy life. No wonder I feel the way I do. The odds are against me. I'd ask fate for help but I don't have a fucking clue where it stands. I'd ask friends for help, but I don't have a fucking clue where they stand.

I'm fine with 100 people leaning on me, as long as I can lean on one person. Just one. To listen. To give me a hug. That's all I ask.

It's hard to fight against standards everyone is counting on you to, when you don't even know if they are the right standards for you.

"My bed so cold so lonely,
No arms just sheets to hold me,
Has this world stopped turning,
Are we forever to be apart?
Forever to be apart,"

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Thoughts get to you when you are alone all day

What if all this time I'm really trying to figure out who I am is a waste? What if all I'm doing is becoming someone I'm not? Which would be why I've never felt satisfied, why I still feel alone from time to time. It makes so much sense to ask:
What if all of who I really am, is who I was with you?



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