"Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead"

One thing that is still challenging to me is how to unwind after a night at work. A night where I'm really busy. I just get in the mode of running around, and then it takes me awhile to chill when I come home. I don't want to come home, I want to go out and do stuff. It's difficult.
I want to be inspired tonight. Tonight is a "I'll take a good conversation over making out and screwing around" type of night. I saw a girl today that had one of the most beautiful smiles I've ever seen. I wanted to tell her, but I didn't. I was worried I would come off creepy. However, I regret not telling her. It wouldn't have been in a way of hitting on her, or trying to start a conversation. I just wanted to be honest, and just maybe make her day. This chance it long gone; in the past.
Tomorrow I hope that I get a chance to complement someone else. To just maybe make someone else's day. I want to spread love. I want to resemble hope, happiness, and positive things. If I could (without having to pay damages for it) I would paint on my ceiling above my bed and on the inside of my door to my apartment "Are you loving fully, or are you not?". There isn't a better question to ask myself everyday. It's especially a good way to both end and start you day.
I hope tomorrow you do something that makes you feel alive in a positive way. I hope tomorrow you recognize the moment in which you can make someone else's day; and you take it!

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Urgency

This word has spoken to me a lot lately. This describes so much about the world we live in. There is a sense of urgency in almost everything. I try every day to recognize the urgency in people. It can be someone that needs a hug, someone to listen to them, and walk through life for a little while. It can be the person that just needs a meal or a place to stay tonight. It can be the people trapped in sex-trafficking that are experiencing hell. It can be the people living in a country run by unfair laws. Urgency is for all of the people that will die by suicide tonight, die from starvation, be beaten to death or shot. For all of those who will be rapped, sexually assaulted, assaulted, kicked out of their homes, rejected by their loved ones and denied their begging screams for help. There is an extremely broken world out there.
I feel like it is my responsibility to do try to change this all as much as I can. Get involved; and take a stand. Reach out and help someone. I mean, how can be look at what is going on and NOT get involved and try to help?

But it gets confusing. Life, well, life is very confusing. How can we do this best? What is best? At what point do we stop being selfish and begin putting others first? We can become a better person when we put ourselves first, but when is it enough to start to give back? How much fun should we have? Because see, I feel guilty when I sit home and play xbox. I enjoy it, but I feel guilty. It’s hard for me to have fun by myself. I can do it. I know I can. But when have we done enough? When do we know that we can and should do more? In Massachusetts I poured my heavy heart out over and over again. I miss that, I really do. I knew that I was trying so much to make this world just a little less shitty of a place. People admired and respected that. When do we stop pouring our hearts out? It is not fair for us to push this work onto others, or to forget about it. That just makes the world more messed up.
I guess it’s hard to find a support system that is healthy and functional. I’ve looked to others for support, and while I’m down here I’m trying more so to look into myself for it. I will go back to Mass in Oct and once again be the same person in many ways. I will not lose my sense of urgency. But I need to learn to slow down sometimes. To be able to stop, breathe, and look in the mirror more. I need to have my own things to do that I enjoy and find relaxing. This is my struggle. Finding the middle. I hope my journey over the next few months gets me some answers.

How many times do you think we use the phrase "Getting back into the hang of things"?

I'm 21. Right now I could be drinking. I could be out at a bar, having a good time. I could be finding a girl to take home tonight. I could be getting fucked up with friends, or have people over at my new place and having a party. Tonight I'm making the decision not to do any of this. Why? Because I don't want to. Because my goal in being down here isn't having a summer I don't remember. It isn't about having a crazy summer filled with getting drunk and hooking up. No. It's about more. It's about trying to really figure out who I am. It's about doing some soul searching. I know I've said this before, and you might think I'm not making much progress, but the stuff I'm reading and writing outside of here shows that I am.
I'm trying to focus on the positive. To bring good things into my life and keep them there. I'm trying to make the best out of everyday. Now I can sit here and say that the past few days, or the past week has been tough, but that would be nothing more than an excuse. It's not an excuse for watching tv, playing xbox, or being lazy. There is nothing wrong with doing any of these things, I just want to make sure I'm doing other things to. So okay, let's keep the positives flowing.
I've been playing my bass a lot the past few days, and I love it. It feels really good to play, and to feel connected with something. I recently finished reading the book "A Million Little Pieces", something I quoted in my blog a little while back. I strongly suggest that you go read it if you haven't. I've started reading a new book, and it is making me think and feel energetic. I have plans this weekend to finally go look at surfboards, and I'm excited. Tomorrow I plan on spending some time at the beach. Enjoying the sun, reading, thinking, and possibly writing.
I have another idea of something I'm going to write about off of here. What gives us inspiration? Are there things that we can all find inspiration on? I know there are a lot of different things that we can find inspiration from separately, but what about things that can bring us together? If not all, at least most of us. I'd be okay with finding things for most of us. How about people that just really fight the odds? I think that's something that's always inspiring. More to come....
On a separate note, I've realized I'm learning to become more patient. In a lot of ways, it's a good thing. I'm not stressing about waiting for phone calls, or to receive texts back. I'm not feeling like I need to rush as much. I've know I'm running around and doing a lot a good amount of the time (look at my job). But I'm going to try to also do some things that are more relaxing. Like going to the beach tomorrow.

There's something good waiting for you in tomorrow. Here's to the path that takes you there. However long, short, easy, or difficult it may be.

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I want to slow down, but I got less than 2 days left

Massachusetts. I'm starting my blog off with that word because I can finally spell it correctly. I'm 21, it's about time!!!!! Anyway. I love being up here. It's great. But I do miss Florida, and I'm glad I'm going back. I need more me time. I need time to be alone and to figure things out. It is making me a better person, that I can already tell. I am thankful so much for getting to spend time with my family. I never say enough how good they are, and I am so fortunate to have a caring, loving, and supporting family. It's also been great to see friends. I'm thankful for the friends I have up here, and for the UChapter and all of the things I have done. I'm not ready to jump back into that stuff though. Into helping others and pouring my heart out. I jumped in headfirst, and I got a lot done and was able to help a lot of people. But I want to make sure I won't get in over my head. I want to make sure that I am at a better place even than I am right now. I'm starting to value, appreciate, and desire alone time. This is good. This is a sign of growing.

Good do something that makes you feel alive today in a healthy way. Find things like this for yourself. It's important to have them.

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Yeah, ah, ah.......

Right now is one of those golden moments that we sometimes get in life. Right now is clarity. For all the tears I've cried, the noise I've made screaming out, and the questions I've asked and asked and asked just hoping for an answer. Right now is my answer. Right now life isn't perfect, and I don't have all of the answers. But I have one more than I did. I believe in myself more than I did yesterday. I feel more accomplished, more motivated, more inspired, and more loved. Today is good. Today there are things worth smiling about. Today is celebrating being who you are, where ever you are in life. Today you matter just as much as you did yesterday, and as much as you will tomorrow. And that's a lot. Some things don't change in life.

I haven't written about a single other person in here in a long time. I want to right now, but I'm not going to. This is me staying on track and running my own life. This is me being the man I'm supposed to be. I care about a lot of people, and they know who they are. I'm looking forward to going home tomorrow. To spending time with my family and my friends. Believe in yourself from the start. Other people will believe in you, but it doesn't mean shit if you don't believe in yourself. And when things get tough, you need to believe in yourself or you'll break. Because if you believe in yourself, then it allows you to believe in others.

Sing it with me Switchfoot, We're Awakening

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Sick

I was feeling a bit under the weather today. So I had a lazy day. Sat around and spent most of it watching episodes of Law & Order SVU. Good show. Today I'm feeling different. I feel like relaxing and enjoying life is becoming a little more of a focus. The fact that I'm always pushing myself is stepping aside a little bit. This is a difficult and foreign process to me. I think that's why I haven't been writing a lot lately. That and I've been real busy. "Slow down Quinten....."

I hope tomorrow is full of love, joy, happiness, and peace internally for you.
If it is not, then a day after soon will be. Have faith. Remember hope.

Sunday is my Birthday. Do me a favor, and donate or volunteer with a charity for me. That's all I ask.

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Today, I want to

Ride a bike
Run a marathon
Go surfing
Write a book
Hug a friend
Laugh
Get lost in a moment
Meet someone new
Read a book
Go for a walk on the beach
Start a new project
Get involved in a local organization
Buy a homeless person lunch
Help out at a soup kitchen
Walk through difficult moments with anyone who is lost and has a heavy heart
Today I want to get lost singing along to a song as I'm driving
I want to go out for coffee with someone and find out what inspires them
A good conversation
Today I want to pick up my guitar and learn to play a song
Start writing a song
Sit around a campfire with friends
Look at the starts at night
Stare at the sky during the day and make images out of the clouds like we all did when we were little
I want to climb a tree, throw a frisbee, hit a baseball, shoot a basket, and ride a wave.
Today I want to live, and more so, I want to feel alive.

Missed Opportunities and shallowness

I've landed on something big here. This blog is inspired by a phone conversation I had with Chris tonight. What is wrong with our society in the ways that we connect with others? Why is it that it is so hard to reach out to people? Why is it so hard to say "hi" and to start a conversation? Are we too busy? Do we not care? Do we already know enough people? Do we have insecurities that make us scared to try to connect because that means being vulnerable? We let so many opportunities slip by us!

If you have ever felt alone, if you have ever wanted to have more of a connect with another human being, if you are intrigued to meet new people and learn new things; than you can relate to this. And I hope you CAN relate to this. If not, you're probably lying to yourself. Because I want to feel less alone, and connect more, and meet new people, and learn new things. I want to say hi to someone and not feel rushed about it. I remember the first day of my intro to Philosophy class, the teacher asked us to say who we are, where we are from, and why we are there. The class pretty much answered like I did, "Hi, I'm Kevin, I'm from Somerset, MA, and I'm here because I want to learn more about Philosophy. When we were done, the teacher smiled and said, "Those were all shitty answers, and I expect better answers the rest of the semester." I LOVED THIS! Let's dig deeper! If you meet someone, let's ask more than these questions. Let's replace the "whats up?", "hows it goin?" "whatcha up to today?" "whats your major?" with better questions. Let's ask people "what are you biggest fears?" "what are your biggest dreams?" "what fascinates you?" "how do you want to change the world?".

Let's be more real. Let's be more open and honest. If we are scared to do this, then that's coming from our own personal insecurities, and that's something we need to deal with. I know it might not be easy, but I know it can be done. We struggle so much, and I wish we could attack those fears, so they don't own us. Please notice I'm including myself on this, because I know I have flaws too.

I also am frustrated with the role social media plays in all of this. It's not healthy that it's easier for us to talk about things over the internet than face to face. Why is it that I can have amazing conversations with people on Facebook, but if we hang out, the conversation goes nowhere? It's good that these conversations are happing, but they need to be REAL! If you feel alone after having a good conversation on the internet; then I'm not surprised. Sometimes we need an actual hug instead of someone writing *hug*. Sometimes we need to feel arms wrap around us, and a shoulder to cry on, and we just need to squeeze tight. Sometimes we need to see the real emotions of a face rather than just icons. Because real emotions allow us to know that we are cared about, loved, that we matter to someone. You don't get that from a fucking frown or smiley face icon.

Let's capture this desire and put it to use. Let's get to know each other better. This is where so much good can start from.

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This is the choice I've made

I'm laying here alone in my own bed, in MY OWN apartment. As I start off, it's important to remember why I am doing this. I'm here for myself. I'm here to force myself to learn to be the best person I can. On October 30, I will head back up to Massachusetts where I will finish my degree, become involved in the mental health world again, and explore the ideas that Chris and I come up with.
But for now, I'm down here. I'm going to force myself to make the best out of everyday. To do things that are productive every single day. I'm down here to look in the mirror in the morning, and have the opportunity to stay there all day and stare at my reflection if I need to. To ask the difficult questions, and figure out who I am. This isn't just for the next 6 months, this is for the future. This is learning that I can be okay on my own, so I can push myself so much more in the future. This is learning to believe in myself even more than I already do. If you have 100 people that believe in you, it doesn't mean jack shit if you don't believe in yourself. I'm learning to believe in myself as much as I can.

This is that get-a-way vacation people have dreamed off, and mines 5 months and 3 weeks longer than that. This is choosing to take my own path because it's something that I can call mine; instead of just flying through college. This is knowing how valuable each and everyday of my life is, and trying to make sure I have time to appreciate that. If I'm lonely, I'm missing the point. This is supposed to be fulfilling. This is a journey full of learning, growing, and remembering to always keep my head up. This is running that extra mile for the kid stuck in their room just wanting to run away. This is taking time to breathe for everyone that is too stressed to do so. This is stepping out of my comfort zone and learning new things for all of those who aren't as open minded. This is creating a love for myself that's stronger than anyone else. This is waking up to watch the sunrise, and have the opportunity to drive a few hours and watch it set over water as well. This is getting your ass out and doing things in beautiful weather. This is learning what it's like to have valued friendships that don't walk through every moment of life with you. This is new.