Today I feel like Quentin

http://iasieu.wordpress.com/2008/09/08/for-those-who-can-ride-in-an-airplane-for-the-first-time/
(second video)

This isn't the best place I could've ended up for the summer. I feel like that are way easily too many distractions and temptations. Somewhere more secluded from people and more in touch with nature would've been great for me. Somewhere that wasn't a tourist spot, and didn't have such a generation gap. Or at least somewhere completely new and foreign to me. I think it's sad that there is no longer the idea of an adolescent going off on their own to find them self in our culture. I don't know off the top of my head, but I'm sure there are cultures back in time that did this. It's great. See, we never get the opportunity to unlearn all of the things we have and to try to learn new things for ourselves. This is what I'm trying to do down here. I'm trying to learn about me, and life, and all of the big questions. I'm not really asking others however, I'm just taking it day by day and doing things ALONE and ON MY OWN more than I ever have in my life. I feel like I won't have enough time to get the answers I want, the understanding, the clarity, and the re-assurance. But I guess we can only go so far on our own.

All I know is I'm broken. And right now, I have more of a desire to do good things from guilt more so than anything else. I am a troubled young man, trying to pick up the pieces, that at them from a new fresh perspective (mine), and then walk through life. I have to really work on me.

I've been thinking about God a lot lately. If he does exist, maybe he's crying tonight. Maybe he's not perfect. Maybe, like most of us, he has days in which he barely gets by. I want to cry with him. I want to feel enough of a sense of secureness and comfort to join him. I want to be told that it's okay to cry. And I'm telling all of this to myself. It's okay for me to cry, to laugh, to sing and scream, to skip, to yell, to love and question, to love to question. It's okay to want to be myself. Where ever that may take me, and whatever I may become, it's okay. The present doesn't mean as much without the future. What are you going to do tomorrow?

Tonight I was with beautiful people, and I was able to make them laugh and enjoy their company. Now all I want to do is allow others to feel a stronger desire to love.

Peace,
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Why I'm getting up at 6:30 AM tomorrow

Tomorrow I'm waking up at 6:30, as I am volunteering at Give Kids the World at 8:30. I'm waking up early and driving an hour and a half to give kids ice cream for breakfast. What's the point? Why on earth would I want to do this?
See, I have total freedom right now. I really do. It's really nice, and fulfilling, but it comes with a price to pay (like everything else). I can do what ever I want tomorrow. I could stay in bed all day. I could sit on my ass, watch tv, and order pizza. I literally have the freedom to do ANYTHING. But I'm making the choice to do this. Because I want to be involved. I want to feel like a part of something. I want to do GOOD. I want to make a difference. As much as I can. I want to put in just as many hours volunteering as I do working. I want to do this because it feels good. Because it is healthy for me. It allows me to feel less alone. It allows me to meet people, and have conversations. To laugh and be happy, and be surrounded with others who are also happy and even welcoming. It's for me you see. I'm doing this because I like to. That's why I'm getting up this early tomorrow.
And if you are saying to yourself, Kevin! Why don't you just volunteer later in the day and sleep in? Don't worry, I'm doing that to.

I've asked for help the past couple of days. Things have come through. Wether it's a text, or a chance to work more, or a phone call, or skype session, or just a simple mentioning of my name, a lot of little things have made a HUGE difference. Thank you to everyone who has been a part of that.

I hope tomorrow holds an amazing opportunity for you. I hope you take it.
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by the way,

whoever commented on my blog the other day (3 or 4 posts back). I wanted to say Thank You. That meant a lot.

May you find sleep tonight after a day full of good things that make laying down in that bed feel so much more comfortable than normal.

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Everyday I must find redemption

Everyday is a new day. Everyday I have to get up, and get out of bed. I have to make millions of choices. Choices of what things I want to do and what things I don't want to do. I've been thinking lately about a lot of this. About choices. About how some very simple choices can become so fucking hard for others. We make the choice everyday to not kill people. It's obvious. But it's not that obvious for a father whose daughter just got rapped, for the teenager who just lost his best friend to a drive-by. We make the choice to not do drugs. But it's difficult for those who have gotten lost, and felt so alone that they decided one day to get high instead of get help. Because they gave up on health. And that's all they've known for years now. I don't know the stories of others, but I shouldn't have to. I shouldn't judge, and I shouldn't ever disrespect. Those are two big things I've learned while I've been down here. They've been difficult to do, but I know they are right.

On another note, a thought I had last night. I don't think I always want to help people and try to make the world a better place. I think in order for me to find true happiness, I'll need to one day just settle down, and be surrounded by people and things that can make me feel happy, worthwhile, content, and maybe even complete all on their own. This might be a new goal/dream of mine. Not sure where to categorize it yet.

Now back to playing bass and having people to talk to. Still wanting a hug that just takes away the need for words.
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I fear not knowing what comes next

I've learned this about me. This has been a constant through out my entire life. I work well when I have a ton of things to do, or little time to do a few. This is because I want to know what's coming next. When I don't have things that come next, I don't want to move forward. I guess it's because I'm scared. If I don't have anything to do, I won't know what to do with myself. This worries me. This is especially true for schoolwork. I will wait until the last minute, I'll just sit around all day and waste time. This is something I'm starting to struggle with. I say starting to struggle with, because it has pretty much controlled me for awhile. I don't think I can learn to be okay with not having things to do, but I can learn to have more constants. Have steady things I can do. Like playing bass, reading, writing, those kinds of things. I'm working on making more.
I have been a zombie. I realize that I have had a lot of days in which I just go through them. Nothing really excites me. Nothing hits my heart hard. I don't feel super connected to a lot of people down here (nothing new), so that's hard. My motivation comes from others. After this week, I will have people with me for two weeks. I'm looking forward to that. And I'm looking forward to seeing what comes out of it, both for me as an individual, and for the relationship of it. So hopefully this can start to get better. I only have 2 and a half months left down here. I'm going to try my hardest to make the fucking best of it.

I miss people. I've realized I haven't really said that a lot. I need to work on it. I miss Somerset, MA. I miss Lowell, MA. I miss my friends. I miss sitting around my house with my family and not having anything to do. I miss my dog. I miss throwing a frisbee in the front of the house. I miss Boston. I miss walking around Boston. I miss going for a drive without a destination. I miss holding music as close to my heart as I did. I miss my UChapter, and the meetings, and the conversations, the heavy and light moments, the panera post-meeting gatherings. I miss everyone of my friends, and even those people that I wasn't on the best terms with. I miss hugs. I miss nights of ultimate.

Sometimes I feel like I was stupid to leave and come down here. Things got tough, I felt lost, but I was right at HOME. Life was honestly really good overall. I just had to sort out some things. But, I know that when I go back home I will be closer to my parents than I ever was if I didn't come down here. I now value the time I get to spend with them. I really do. And that's golden. That makes all of this worth it.

I need to write more. This feels good.
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We are all so powerful

It's amazing how one person can impact another so much. One person, one moment can bring a change upon us thats so strong the great wall of China couldn't resist it. If you are holding on without having one person, or a few people that can make that difference for you, then please know I am thinking about you. The second I become stronger, I want to give my love to others, not harness it. I'm getting love. I'm feeling good, healthy, and alive. Today was day 1. Tomorrow is day 2, or just another day 1 depending on how I want to look at it. Here's for tomorrow. Here's for 17 days after tomorrow. Here's for getting through a day doing healthy things for the first time in awhile. Here's for conversations and skyping and videos and surfing and playing bass and reading. Here's for not those things individually, but all together. Because all together that's what's making me okay right now. Tonight.

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Honesty

This is hard. This is real fucking hard. Living on my own. I'm done bull shitting and saying I'm doing okay. I'm not. I'm lonely. I want friends. I want people to talk to. I want to be able to go find someone my age that I can hang out with without having to go to a fucking bar or online. Why is this so fucking hard? I'm not coping well at all. I think I need help. I need to sit down and really asset my life. I have good intentions, and I'm doing some good things, but things overall aren't going well. This is make it or break it time. This is me on thin ice. I'm holding on by a finger. I'm going to pray tonight that I can find something or someone that can help me get up. Do you know the last time I was able to sit down with someone and actaully have them ask me, "how are you doing?" and me feeling like I could answer? Cause I don't. I need some support right now. I need to get through these next 85 days. That is all. One at a time. I need to try to get through this. I'm not a quitter. No fucking way am I walking away from stuff and quitting in this life. I'm done with that shit. I'm always down with letting myself fall. It's time to pick things up. This is the type of anger with tears in your eyes. This isn't meant to be poetic, it's meant to be real. This is me asking for help in one of the only ways I know how to. It's kind of pathetic, I know.

Tired, a good thing

I sit in my truck reading On The Road by Kerauoc at 6:20 this evening. It has rained for a good part of the afternoon. There is that dense feeling left in the air after rain that usually gives me a little bit of a hefad ace and doesn't make me want to do much. But today this isn't the case. The sun is fighting it's way through the clouds. I have had a good afternoon at Disney's Hollywood Studios. Going on quite a few of the rides, including Rockin' Roller Coaster a few times. Disney has been my drug since I've been down here. If I didn't have it, I'd probably would have become an addict by now. I'm the type of person that needs things to make me feel alive.
At 6:20 I feel content with the day. Life is good. I look at the beautiful sun fighting it's way through, all of the busy people driving, parking, and walking in and out of the store. For once I'm thankful I'm not one of them. I've had a good day, but it sure as hell wasn't over yet. This was my first night volunteering at Give Kids The World (incase you are lazy and dont want to look it up, its basically an incredible place where kids with terminal illnesses get to spend a week with their families). I'm driving a pizza golf cart around, delivering pizzas to families that have gotten back from a long day at one of the amusement parks. I go in and I feel like myself for the first time since I've been in Florida. Little did I know that comfort would just keep growing. I worked with 3 kids in the senior year of high school, and a middle aged gentleman. He had been married for almost 10 years, him and his wife both work at Disney. They met there. I don't have any life changing conversations, I don't save anyones life. I just relax, drive a cart around, and give people pizza with a smile. I try to give them the tiniest bit of hope and positive encouragement to add to their day. I get to talk and get to know the people I'm volunteering with. We have fun, share laughs, and I get to ask a lot of questions. I like asking questions, and I almost felt like Chris McCandles from Into The Wild with the questions I was asking. I want to write more right now, but I'm exhausted and it's time for bed. This was a great day. Two nights ago I listened to a friend read a poem about being tired. Right now I can relate to that in the good way. I could do this forever.

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