I fear not knowing what comes next

I've learned this about me. This has been a constant through out my entire life. I work well when I have a ton of things to do, or little time to do a few. This is because I want to know what's coming next. When I don't have things that come next, I don't want to move forward. I guess it's because I'm scared. If I don't have anything to do, I won't know what to do with myself. This worries me. This is especially true for schoolwork. I will wait until the last minute, I'll just sit around all day and waste time. This is something I'm starting to struggle with. I say starting to struggle with, because it has pretty much controlled me for awhile. I don't think I can learn to be okay with not having things to do, but I can learn to have more constants. Have steady things I can do. Like playing bass, reading, writing, those kinds of things. I'm working on making more.
I have been a zombie. I realize that I have had a lot of days in which I just go through them. Nothing really excites me. Nothing hits my heart hard. I don't feel super connected to a lot of people down here (nothing new), so that's hard. My motivation comes from others. After this week, I will have people with me for two weeks. I'm looking forward to that. And I'm looking forward to seeing what comes out of it, both for me as an individual, and for the relationship of it. So hopefully this can start to get better. I only have 2 and a half months left down here. I'm going to try my hardest to make the fucking best of it.

I miss people. I've realized I haven't really said that a lot. I need to work on it. I miss Somerset, MA. I miss Lowell, MA. I miss my friends. I miss sitting around my house with my family and not having anything to do. I miss my dog. I miss throwing a frisbee in the front of the house. I miss Boston. I miss walking around Boston. I miss going for a drive without a destination. I miss holding music as close to my heart as I did. I miss my UChapter, and the meetings, and the conversations, the heavy and light moments, the panera post-meeting gatherings. I miss everyone of my friends, and even those people that I wasn't on the best terms with. I miss hugs. I miss nights of ultimate.

Sometimes I feel like I was stupid to leave and come down here. Things got tough, I felt lost, but I was right at HOME. Life was honestly really good overall. I just had to sort out some things. But, I know that when I go back home I will be closer to my parents than I ever was if I didn't come down here. I now value the time I get to spend with them. I really do. And that's golden. That makes all of this worth it.

I need to write more. This feels good.
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