These are words that I think I need to say to myself. As I lay here tonight, in the bed I grew up in, I realize some heaviness in my heart. I've improved a lot with learning to be okay with spending a night alone. But it's still a little difficult. Today I wrote things and felt really good about them, actually inspired by them. I wrote words that had passion in them. I think this is what is a little difficult about coming home for me, I don't have a lot of distractions here. It allows me to reflect.
It's been months since I've lived in Florida, yet I still don't know how to describe my time there. I'm focusing this more so on my summer, after the internship. The summer which I lived alone. I had never lived alone before that. It was new and scary as fuck. It was a huge challenge, and in some cases, when push came to shove, I failed. I fucked up. I've been very mad at myself and still have some guilt inside me. So here are words I've never said to myself I need to. I forgive you. I forgive you for being a shitty friend, for not being responsible with your money, for the strip clubs, for letting lust and desire lead you to doing things that should never be done. For spending a few too many nights just getting drunk, for breaking hearts, for not reaching out and asking for help sooner when you needed it, for calling the cops, for pushing away someone who was trying to help, and more than anything, for having a hard time forgiving her. Because hey, if you're reading this, I forgive you too. And that doesn't at all mean it's all your fault. But damn it, you're still on my mind, and I think about you, and I hope that you're doing okay. I love you. I don't ever want to be with you again, but I do love you. Something tells me that last sentence shouldn't feel okay, but it does.
I was young and dumb. I was learning and living. I still am young and dumb; learning and living. Life happens. It's okay. It's okay to let out the negative feelings I have about myself. It's okay to cry and not even really know why. I love myself. I do love myself. That's what matters most. Tomorrow, I can now walk through the day with less guilt than I had today.
Here's a water toast to everyone not getting wasted tonight. Cheers.
<3
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
The strongest inspiration comes from other people
"Slow down Quinten. You can see it all if your finger whispers on one word. Slow down. For in a world of fast faces, I'm looking for God everywhere. Trying to figure out this little thing he made called a man."
I'm trying to slow down and speed up both at the same time. I can be very spontaneous, random, and adventurous. However, for the amount of time alone I spend, I wonder if I do enough self-reflecting.
There's a million good things. Time's a million. Squared.
Sometimes it's nice to just let good thoughts flow through your mind, and just lay back and smile. Sometimes we don't need to write nor share them, and that's okay.
If I didn't have the amazing friends I do, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I'm thankful for it all. I'm happy and I'm tired. I'm going to go let my thoughts flow through my mind as I fall to sleep.
Laughing is the best medicine.
<3
I'm trying to slow down and speed up both at the same time. I can be very spontaneous, random, and adventurous. However, for the amount of time alone I spend, I wonder if I do enough self-reflecting.
There's a million good things. Time's a million. Squared.
Sometimes it's nice to just let good thoughts flow through your mind, and just lay back and smile. Sometimes we don't need to write nor share them, and that's okay.
If I didn't have the amazing friends I do, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I'm thankful for it all. I'm happy and I'm tired. I'm going to go let my thoughts flow through my mind as I fall to sleep.
Laughing is the best medicine.
<3
Sunday, March 25, 2012
I want to be good
Duh, we all do. Right? But I think we forget sometimes. I think sometimes things become confusing, dark, grey, and we just seem to not care. It's important during those times to have basic rules, ideas, principals, and beliefs which you can fall back on. I think that's on of the reasons I have this blog and write in it.
I'm reading "What makes a Life significant" by William James right now for my philosophy class. I'm feeling alive today. I saw the newest brief Kony 2012 video, and I feel like I'm a part of something and reminded that there are shitty things out there, but there are also good things I can do about it. What James is talking about so far in this paper, is how we need bad things, and our lives are simply the process of trying to make bad things good. Always. When we aren't doing this, we are bored. Improvement is what makes us feel alive. It's funny how I read this and I feel like there are many of his ideas that I have shared with him before even reading this. This is a famous American Philosopher, the founder of Modern Psychology. I feel like I can be someone and do things. That's simple and broad, but there's a reason for that.
I feel alive today. I'm being productive, I'm doing things so I can feel accomplished, and I'm trying to surround myself with good and beautiful things. Because when I do this, it allows me to acknowledge the less beautiful things in life and try to make them a little more beautiful. I simply want to be a good person. I think it's good to look in the mirror sometimes and say that to myself.
Now, back to homework.
<3
I'm reading "What makes a Life significant" by William James right now for my philosophy class. I'm feeling alive today. I saw the newest brief Kony 2012 video, and I feel like I'm a part of something and reminded that there are shitty things out there, but there are also good things I can do about it. What James is talking about so far in this paper, is how we need bad things, and our lives are simply the process of trying to make bad things good. Always. When we aren't doing this, we are bored. Improvement is what makes us feel alive. It's funny how I read this and I feel like there are many of his ideas that I have shared with him before even reading this. This is a famous American Philosopher, the founder of Modern Psychology. I feel like I can be someone and do things. That's simple and broad, but there's a reason for that.
I feel alive today. I'm being productive, I'm doing things so I can feel accomplished, and I'm trying to surround myself with good and beautiful things. Because when I do this, it allows me to acknowledge the less beautiful things in life and try to make them a little more beautiful. I simply want to be a good person. I think it's good to look in the mirror sometimes and say that to myself.
Now, back to homework.
<3
Saturday, March 17, 2012
I just learned another reason why I want to go to Africa
So I'm sitting here reading Loving Each Other by Leo, and I'm learning a lot. He is talking about happiness, and how the happiest people are those who would still be happy if you took everything away from them, because they are just happy about life. And that's something I want to experience. If I know that my happiness is inside me, and can come from nothing else but myself, then that has a HUGE impact on my life. That can allow me to be more sure of my own stability, and thus allow me to take more healthy risks, to be more confident in myself, and to share my happiness with others even more.
This is another reason why I want to go to Africa. I want to see if I can be happy with nothing. If I can not have many of the material things that I am use to, yet still be content with life. I think this is a good thing. I also don't think that I need to go to Africa to do it. I just need a good amount of time away from average American society and the technology in my life. A week or two.
On a semi opposite, and possibly contradictory note, I'm changing. NO SHIT! WE ALL ARE ALWAYS CHANGING! But I'm understanding a way how, and that's always exciting! I'm becoming more interested in American society, and in focus the good things about it. I think this is coming from American Philosophy, and I think that I need to remember, explore, and learn about all the great things that this country has, and is made up of. There is a history here, and there are good things. I want to learn more about them all. I want to know of the good things happening. I wanted to have enough knowledge that will allow me to say and mean the statement "I am proud to be American."
Random thoughts. If you're reading this, I hope you can take something from this. Commercials tell us we aren't happy without products numerous times everyday. Fact: we can only hear something so much until we start to believe it.
Here's the counterpart to that: You don't need any sort of materialistic possession to be happy. You don't have to look like someone on TV to be considered attractive. You don't have to allow sexual desire to impact your decisions. You WILL be okay. You just need yourself. I believe that it's okay to trust yourself, and I encourage you to. You are amazing. You are awesome. I want to write a dictionary just for you and put your picture next to every positive word in there. Not only are you going to change the world, but you're doing so right now. You are powerful, and that doesn't have to be scary. It's okay to be happy. It's okay to love. (I wonder if these things don't come from putting effort into them, but simply not allowing things to influence you otherwise). It's okay to be you. Please be you. Maybe that's the only thing you're meant to do in this life.
<3
This is another reason why I want to go to Africa. I want to see if I can be happy with nothing. If I can not have many of the material things that I am use to, yet still be content with life. I think this is a good thing. I also don't think that I need to go to Africa to do it. I just need a good amount of time away from average American society and the technology in my life. A week or two.
On a semi opposite, and possibly contradictory note, I'm changing. NO SHIT! WE ALL ARE ALWAYS CHANGING! But I'm understanding a way how, and that's always exciting! I'm becoming more interested in American society, and in focus the good things about it. I think this is coming from American Philosophy, and I think that I need to remember, explore, and learn about all the great things that this country has, and is made up of. There is a history here, and there are good things. I want to learn more about them all. I want to know of the good things happening. I wanted to have enough knowledge that will allow me to say and mean the statement "I am proud to be American."
Random thoughts. If you're reading this, I hope you can take something from this. Commercials tell us we aren't happy without products numerous times everyday. Fact: we can only hear something so much until we start to believe it.
Here's the counterpart to that: You don't need any sort of materialistic possession to be happy. You don't have to look like someone on TV to be considered attractive. You don't have to allow sexual desire to impact your decisions. You WILL be okay. You just need yourself. I believe that it's okay to trust yourself, and I encourage you to. You are amazing. You are awesome. I want to write a dictionary just for you and put your picture next to every positive word in there. Not only are you going to change the world, but you're doing so right now. You are powerful, and that doesn't have to be scary. It's okay to be happy. It's okay to love. (I wonder if these things don't come from putting effort into them, but simply not allowing things to influence you otherwise). It's okay to be you. Please be you. Maybe that's the only thing you're meant to do in this life.
<3
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
I miss my best friend
And sometimes I wish the man that I considered a mentor and a friend lived closer than Florida. No I don't mean Jamie. I wish we could have more conversations. Sometimes I just want someone to tell me it's all going to be okay. Someone that I know and respect and care about. I know maybe that's unfair to ask, but it's true.
I'm going to try to be the person I want and do as good as I am in school. Maybe even better. I'm pretty sure I just failed a midterm in my Comedy class, but let's be honest. I don't give a fuck about it. I really don't. It's going towards a piece of paper that I don't need nor really have a whole lot of desire to get. I'm not getting a single thing out of the class and I don't like it. And maybe I would have an idea of how much money being put into school mattered if it was actually mine. Because guess what world? I'm a 21 year old undergraduate student, and I don't have a fucking clue how much $1,000 is. Forget $20,000. Or $80,000. But I'm spending money I don't have. This is what I think I want to do. Flat out, I want to change the social structure of things in America. I want to focus on emerging adults in America. I want to make America a better place, one that I'm more proud of. I want kids to learn and fully understand the decisions they are making, how they will effect the rest of their lives, and how much of a difference we can make. This generation is the one that needs to be changed. I can say more, but it'll be all things that I've said and it won't be in a positive loving way.
I read Leo last night, then woke up and lived a life not practicing too well what I'm learning. I'm trying to be a better person. I'm trying to be a better person. I smiled the first time I wrote that sentence, so I decided to write it a second. Smiling is a good thing. I simply don't want to waste time in my life, and I want to try to be the best person I can be. Those are two things I desire right now.
A few weeks from now, you will see a post that starts with me talking about how I finally got to surf again after months and months of waiting. I can wait to write those words, and more importantly I can't wait to live them.
The end of this blog, this feels like me. I want to do things and I want to care about people and I want to try. Just simply try. I have hope. These things are who I am and part of what make up the person I am. I'm learning to love myself a little more everyday. At least I hope so, and overall I'm on that path.
Good night. You matter. Very much. I'll keep saying it because we need to keep hearing it. We need to believe it too.
<3
I'm going to try to be the person I want and do as good as I am in school. Maybe even better. I'm pretty sure I just failed a midterm in my Comedy class, but let's be honest. I don't give a fuck about it. I really don't. It's going towards a piece of paper that I don't need nor really have a whole lot of desire to get. I'm not getting a single thing out of the class and I don't like it. And maybe I would have an idea of how much money being put into school mattered if it was actually mine. Because guess what world? I'm a 21 year old undergraduate student, and I don't have a fucking clue how much $1,000 is. Forget $20,000. Or $80,000. But I'm spending money I don't have. This is what I think I want to do. Flat out, I want to change the social structure of things in America. I want to focus on emerging adults in America. I want to make America a better place, one that I'm more proud of. I want kids to learn and fully understand the decisions they are making, how they will effect the rest of their lives, and how much of a difference we can make. This generation is the one that needs to be changed. I can say more, but it'll be all things that I've said and it won't be in a positive loving way.
I read Leo last night, then woke up and lived a life not practicing too well what I'm learning. I'm trying to be a better person. I'm trying to be a better person. I smiled the first time I wrote that sentence, so I decided to write it a second. Smiling is a good thing. I simply don't want to waste time in my life, and I want to try to be the best person I can be. Those are two things I desire right now.
A few weeks from now, you will see a post that starts with me talking about how I finally got to surf again after months and months of waiting. I can wait to write those words, and more importantly I can't wait to live them.
The end of this blog, this feels like me. I want to do things and I want to care about people and I want to try. Just simply try. I have hope. These things are who I am and part of what make up the person I am. I'm learning to love myself a little more everyday. At least I hope so, and overall I'm on that path.
Good night. You matter. Very much. I'll keep saying it because we need to keep hearing it. We need to believe it too.
<3
Monday, March 12, 2012
Waiting
I have had a pretty darn good weekend. A lot of time spent with friends, and a lot of time doing pretty much nothing. However, now I am home. It is great to be home, and it is nice to go on a motorcycle with my dad, and a walk with my parents on a beautiful afternoon. Talking is good. I do love my parents. They are pretty awesome and pretty damn supportive.
I feel like I'm not doing a lot of writing nor thinking in certain ways lately. I think that maybe I'm just focusing on this job, and not thinking about other things much. I love the good conversations I can have with friends though, and I've had a lot of good ones in the past few days. I'm thankful for this. I'm going to try to make these next few days really productive. I have to work on an essay, to do a research assignment, and I'd like to do some reading and thinking of my own too. I don't have an xbox at home anymore. I don't have many distractions, and I think that's great because it'll help me focus.
I feel like right now, at this moment, I can't really describe nor explain me, because I'm in the process of changing. And I'm okay with that.
I hope tomorrow I'm productive. I'm going to go look at wet suits in the morning. Maybe afterwards I'll surf!!!! We shall see. Current water temp in Newport: 45. This is not Florida.
I'm going to do some reading before I go to bed now. Because I want to feel productive. I hope I get a lot done this week. The semester is half over. I can't wait until it's fully over.
P.S. I hope I get this job!!!!
<3
I feel like I'm not doing a lot of writing nor thinking in certain ways lately. I think that maybe I'm just focusing on this job, and not thinking about other things much. I love the good conversations I can have with friends though, and I've had a lot of good ones in the past few days. I'm thankful for this. I'm going to try to make these next few days really productive. I have to work on an essay, to do a research assignment, and I'd like to do some reading and thinking of my own too. I don't have an xbox at home anymore. I don't have many distractions, and I think that's great because it'll help me focus.
I feel like right now, at this moment, I can't really describe nor explain me, because I'm in the process of changing. And I'm okay with that.
I hope tomorrow I'm productive. I'm going to go look at wet suits in the morning. Maybe afterwards I'll surf!!!! We shall see. Current water temp in Newport: 45. This is not Florida.
I'm going to do some reading before I go to bed now. Because I want to feel productive. I hope I get a lot done this week. The semester is half over. I can't wait until it's fully over.
P.S. I hope I get this job!!!!
<3
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Why do you wake up in the morning?
Why do you get out of bed?
Why do you choose to keep living?
Why do you go to school and sit in class?
Why do you go to work?
Are you happy?
These are a lot of questions. A lot of big questions. Let us focus on just one, in my opinion, the most important one? Are you happy? I am in the middle of my day right now. This morning I had my favorite class, American Philosophy. It's my favorite class because of the teacher. Because he cares, and he simply hopes that you will come to his class with the belief that it could change your life. He WANTS it to. I have 3 other classes right now. I can't say I feel any of them are going to change my life, nor can I say that I care about them a lot.
Dear children, America is taking advantage of you. They are taking money from you that you have not yet earned, they are promoting the new trends that they expect you to buy into simply because they are trends. It has taken me a lot time to stop complaining and to finally say it, but I'm ready to: WE ARE BETTER THAN THIS!
We can do great things. We can change the world. We can learn to create ourselves instead of giving into the expectations that others have for us. I hope to eventually create a non-profit which encourages people to do just that. To learn to be ourselves, to love without fear, to feel free. These are ideas. I want to sit outside on this beautiful day and let my dreams flow through my fingers onto paper. I feel alive right now. I'm thankful for the things in my life that allow me to feel this. For the great teacher I have, for the awesome friends I talk with, for the support and love of my family, and for the non-profits that I'm connected with. Life is good right now.
Let's make a difference.
"Who are you to end a war? I'm here to tell you who are you not to?"
<3
Why do you get out of bed?
Why do you choose to keep living?
Why do you go to school and sit in class?
Why do you go to work?
Are you happy?
These are a lot of questions. A lot of big questions. Let us focus on just one, in my opinion, the most important one? Are you happy? I am in the middle of my day right now. This morning I had my favorite class, American Philosophy. It's my favorite class because of the teacher. Because he cares, and he simply hopes that you will come to his class with the belief that it could change your life. He WANTS it to. I have 3 other classes right now. I can't say I feel any of them are going to change my life, nor can I say that I care about them a lot.
Dear children, America is taking advantage of you. They are taking money from you that you have not yet earned, they are promoting the new trends that they expect you to buy into simply because they are trends. It has taken me a lot time to stop complaining and to finally say it, but I'm ready to: WE ARE BETTER THAN THIS!
We can do great things. We can change the world. We can learn to create ourselves instead of giving into the expectations that others have for us. I hope to eventually create a non-profit which encourages people to do just that. To learn to be ourselves, to love without fear, to feel free. These are ideas. I want to sit outside on this beautiful day and let my dreams flow through my fingers onto paper. I feel alive right now. I'm thankful for the things in my life that allow me to feel this. For the great teacher I have, for the awesome friends I talk with, for the support and love of my family, and for the non-profits that I'm connected with. Life is good right now.
Let's make a difference.
"Who are you to end a war? I'm here to tell you who are you not to?"
<3
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Home
It feels...... nice. It's comfortable. My worries, my problems, my struggles. They all don't matter as much here. I feel safe. I feel like I can just be me, or try to be the best version of me that I know and the time. And it's okay. It's enough. I don't have to impress anyone. Love doesn't ask for that. I must be honest, as much as there were crappy moments growing up, this is a great family. I'm loved. I've been given encouragement to go after my dreams, and I can really say that. Like go live in Florida for 9 months encouragement. I'm laying in MY bed and it feels comfortable. I'm 21 years old, and I like that I had a pretty quite evening tonight, and that I'm hanging out at my house, doing simple things. The little things matter. Here, I'm allowed to do the little things. I get to talk, and know someone is always here to listen. I get to hug my dog and let her lick my face. I see the worried look on her face every time I head towards the door. But I keep coming back, and she feels relieved. I'll be hanging around here for a couple more days, and I'm glad I get to do that. Tonight, I call fall asleep easily. I can lay here believing tomorrow will be good.
< 3
< 3
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