I forgive you

These are words that I think I need to say to myself. As I lay here tonight, in the bed I grew up in, I realize some heaviness in my heart. I've improved a lot with learning to be okay with spending a night alone. But it's still a little difficult. Today I wrote things and felt really good about them, actually inspired by them. I wrote words that had passion in them. I think this is what is a little difficult about coming home for me, I don't have a lot of distractions here. It allows me to reflect.

It's been months since I've lived in Florida, yet I still don't know how to describe my time there. I'm focusing this more so on my summer, after the internship. The summer which I lived alone. I had never lived alone before that. It was new and scary as fuck. It was a huge challenge, and in some cases, when push came to shove, I failed. I fucked up. I've been very mad at myself and still have some guilt inside me. So here are words I've never said to myself I need to. I forgive you. I forgive you for being a shitty friend, for not being responsible with your money, for the strip clubs, for letting lust and desire lead you to doing things that should never be done. For spending a few too many nights just getting drunk, for breaking hearts, for not reaching out and asking for help sooner when you needed it, for calling the cops, for pushing away someone who was trying to help, and more than anything, for having a hard time forgiving her. Because hey, if you're reading this, I forgive you too. And that doesn't at all mean it's all your fault. But damn it, you're still on my mind, and I think about you, and I hope that you're doing okay. I love you. I don't ever want to be with you again, but I do love you. Something tells me that last sentence shouldn't feel okay, but it does.

I was young and dumb. I was learning and living. I still am young and dumb; learning and living. Life happens. It's okay. It's okay to let out the negative feelings I have about myself. It's okay to cry and not even really know why. I love myself. I do love myself. That's what matters most. Tomorrow, I can now walk through the day with less guilt than I had today.

Here's a water toast to everyone not getting wasted tonight. Cheers.
<3