I wish I could go live in nature right now

I fucking hate me. Here's what happened. I had all this pain inside of me and I met this beautiful girl. This girl that was too good for me. She was everything I didn't deserve. But I got it anyway. I got her and I feel in love. Before her I'd never believed that I had met the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with. But what's messed up is that I need to deal with the stuff from before you. And I had to break up with you to do it. I had to break up with you because it's easier to focus on this stuff from the past than the fact that I broke up with you. So I can't run away from it anymore. But once I face this I'm going to have to also face the fact that I've ruined the best thing that's ever happened to me in my life. I hope you read this. I hope you know that I'm a fucking mess because I want that fact to make you feel a little better. I regret what I did and I have for a week. But nothing has changed in me so I leave it be. I don't have any expectations except I hope you are happy; or at least will be in the future. I think about how I hurt you and I makes me want to break every mirror in this apartment because I don't think I could ever look at myself again. I had a dream last night. In the dream we broke up. But immediately after I said it I broke down and I wanted to fight like hell to make it better. I guess my subconscious has bigger balls than I do. I set my alarm ten minutes earlier because I know I'll spend at least that much time debating getting out of bed. It's hard to face life when you feel alone. You are an amazing woman and there are no flaws in you that you need to change. You are perfect the way you are. Don't change. I'm the one that needs to change. And I'm working on it, hard as it may be. <3