Be my escape?

I don't do good with nights alone when I'm home.

<3

Struggling

lost in this predicament
I don't know how to be someone I'm not.
I was fake enough in my life already.
I pretended for a few hours.
But where do we go from here? Is it to be left alone? Or do I go after it?
I don't like being put in these situations.


"we met at a party. We were both wasted."
I bet thats true of many marriages these days.


Hold me when you kiss me.
don't let go.
<

I LUVE U

this right now, is one of these moments that I get every so often. They can be considered rare. Moments, where for some reason or another, I just want to have unconditional love with someone. I just want, like I once had, someone to hold and kiss and never let go. Someone to fall asleep with, so waking up in the morning and knowing they are there makes everyday the best day ever. these moments, are the one's that seem more real than life ever could be. But they aren't beyond life. These are the moments I want to cry, but my eyes are dry. The moments that make me feel trapped. They hurt, they are a little painful. But nothing is better in the world than these moments. It's hard to describe them. A hug right now means nothing, unless it's from the one person that probably won't ever touch me again. This is pain. This is real. This is me feeling alone. This is my wanting to cry, and let it all out. But for some reason, it's trapped inside. These moments make everything else in my life seem to make sense. This is why I still don't believe in love a second time around.

I'm so hurt.
But I'm more alive then ever.
And there is something so special about that.
<3

the past

I'd write this in my journal, but I don't have it with me up at school. So writing this on here, I feel a little naked. But it's better than being completely covered up.

There have been two people who have majorly hurt me and had a part of my heart so far in my life. One was love, one was something else. The love, I have thought about so much that I was able to form some conclusions. I understand some things. that's not saying I'm over it, that's saying it allows me to get up in the morning. I would recognize the other one, but I never gave it much attention. She doesn't deserve it. However, she's influenced me. And I'm starting to finally understand something else about me. Something caused by her. I don't fully understand it (will i ever...). But, at least since her, I have been pulling people back into my life because I wish I could pull her back in. So pulling back in others, well, that's the next best thing. I don't think it's so much I miss her, as much as I just want to try to finally figure her out.

I'm scared of over this summer because I will have free time. I will only have a handful of people to hang out with. And when you don't have as much of something as you want, that's when you lower your standards. That's when I let in people who probably aren't as good friends as I would like.
And that could also go back to explaining me pulling people back in. That way, I already know how I'm gona get hurt.

The Used= one of my favorites : )
Also, finally started listening to Underoath. : )

This is why I don't talk to people when I get down. Give me a little time, and I figure it out on my own. And if I really need someone to talk to, I pick up the phone. I don't hesitate.

I hope this summer, I don't become the old me.
< 3

Fuck this

Week wasn't really good. Thought's are in my head about people I shouldn't be thinking about. This is how I end up alone in the end. And disappointed. Life is so fucked. Nice guys do finish last. Why the fuck is that? This summer will suck. Except for one weekend. Oh well. I should go back to feeling miserable on my own time.


Peace

missing it

I wish I knew someone that writes a blog like Pete used to. I miss reading my feelings before I even understood how to put them into words.


<3

Fuck

no matter how much you have dealt with them, found answers, and tried to move on.... some nights memories that you thought you would have forgotten creep back up on you. And as you lay down, it's like they are waiting on your pillow. The second contact is made, they creep into your head.
Life is good, then life is bad. I don't have really bad times anymore. I don't even want anyone to read this. I don't feel like it's worth it. Those days are behind me. I don't want advice. I probably know most of it already, so I just get annoyed. I don't want sympathy, I'm really not doing that bad. I'm fine if no one reads this one, or probably most of the one's from now on. Do something more fucking worthwhile with your time.
There's a girl. She's just a friend. I don't know how I feel about her. I don't know if I have the patience for her. I know she's a great person, but I don't know if we would be good for each other in this society. How fucked is that? I don't think I deserve her. Because of the way society makes me me. I don't think I could change enough. MOVE didn't show me who I was, MOVE showed me the best person I could become. Made me come very close to my potential. But back to society, I'm just less of that person.
Two people I've talked to a lot lately are in mental hospitals right now.
One attempted suicide.
Another one is more severely depressed than I've ever seen her.
And I need to get my best friend to call my old therapist so he can go see her.
Maybe I am looking for a little compassion, a little sympathy.
It's fucked that it's not okay to talk about this stuff. People don't know what to say to this. It's easier for people to help someone who is stressing out about a final than someone who is debating ending their own life. Not only that it's easier, but that most people would rather help the first. Most people would help the first.

You found me by the Fray just came on my itunes which is on random. I think that's a sign that I should attempt to fall asleep again.

"Peace to you and goodnight"
<3