I'm sitting home. And I know there are people out there right now in so much pain and feeling so alone. And I wish I was helping one of them. But, I'm not. It's weird. This summer I wish I had a couple more people I could spend time with and be there for. In the fall, I might feel like I have to many.
We can't save everyone.
Sometimes that hurts more than others.
< 3
Monday, June 29, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Hey
This is one of those time's I'm real. At least I feel like I'm thinking real.
Are things great?
No, they never will be.
But I'm doing okay. I'm pretty happy.
It's hard sometimes talking to people and listening to them talk about struggles or horrible things in life that are true. It's hard do give someone the benefit of the doubt when they don't even know themselves. To listen for five more minutes when you know you'd rather be doing something else. I'm lucky enough to be graced with a lot of patience lately. I know I'm not perfect. I know sometimes I have to say "I can't talk right now". But I believe that's what will keep me going. Maybe I feel a little used. Maybe I wonder how much I am actually just used sometimes. It just gets into me realizing I'll never understand it all. When your happy, you can deal with it. When you aren't, it can make you think too much about death.
Wanted to feel some sort of emotion before I feel asleep.
The book filled of pictures of us I got for our 6 months still lays under my bed. Some nights, like these, I almost want to take it out. But I don't. Cause I'm scared I might not getting the same feeling. Am I'm falling out of love? Is it possible? I don't know. But I wish we could talk again. And just that. I'll live fine if we don't, and I'm sure you will too. It'd just be nice, it'd take a load of so many negative feelings off my heart and thoughts out of my head. But I don't count on it. There's a bigger picture, and that's what keeps me going these days. I hope it can stay like this, and it'd be great if it got a little better.
Bye,
< 3
Are things great?
No, they never will be.
But I'm doing okay. I'm pretty happy.
It's hard sometimes talking to people and listening to them talk about struggles or horrible things in life that are true. It's hard do give someone the benefit of the doubt when they don't even know themselves. To listen for five more minutes when you know you'd rather be doing something else. I'm lucky enough to be graced with a lot of patience lately. I know I'm not perfect. I know sometimes I have to say "I can't talk right now". But I believe that's what will keep me going. Maybe I feel a little used. Maybe I wonder how much I am actually just used sometimes. It just gets into me realizing I'll never understand it all. When your happy, you can deal with it. When you aren't, it can make you think too much about death.
Wanted to feel some sort of emotion before I feel asleep.
The book filled of pictures of us I got for our 6 months still lays under my bed. Some nights, like these, I almost want to take it out. But I don't. Cause I'm scared I might not getting the same feeling. Am I'm falling out of love? Is it possible? I don't know. But I wish we could talk again. And just that. I'll live fine if we don't, and I'm sure you will too. It'd just be nice, it'd take a load of so many negative feelings off my heart and thoughts out of my head. But I don't count on it. There's a bigger picture, and that's what keeps me going these days. I hope it can stay like this, and it'd be great if it got a little better.
Bye,
< 3
Sunday, June 21, 2009
"We are old wishes that never came true*"
the way I've been picturing a hero and the type of hero I'd like to be isn't real at all.
Fuck movies. They make you forget what is and isn't reality sometimes.
I'm lonely. I wish there was someone in this town I could talk to and just hug.
I'm not okay.
I never will be.
But I will keep living.
< 3
Fuck movies. They make you forget what is and isn't reality sometimes.
I'm lonely. I wish there was someone in this town I could talk to and just hug.
I'm not okay.
I never will be.
But I will keep living.
< 3
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Borrowing this from an amazing friend
This is God
Today I will be handling all of your problems for you. I do not need your help. So, have a nice day…
If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it yourself! Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be resolved, but in my time, not yours.
Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.
If you find yourself stuck in traffic, don’t despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.
Should you have a bad day at work; think of the man who has been out of work for years.
Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; think of the person who has never known what it’s like to love and be loved in return.
Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.
Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.
Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.
Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn’t live long enough to get the opportunity.
Should you find yourself the victim of other people’s bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them!
Should you decide to send this to a friend, thank you. You may have touched their life in ways you will never know!
Today I will be handling all of your problems for you. I do not need your help. So, have a nice day…
If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it yourself! Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be resolved, but in my time, not yours.
Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.
If you find yourself stuck in traffic, don’t despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.
Should you have a bad day at work; think of the man who has been out of work for years.
Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; think of the person who has never known what it’s like to love and be loved in return.
Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.
Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.
Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.
Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn’t live long enough to get the opportunity.
Should you find yourself the victim of other people’s bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them!
Should you decide to send this to a friend, thank you. You may have touched their life in ways you will never know!
Monday, June 15, 2009
Not poetics or ways with words tonight
sitting in bed.
listening to The Used.
missing one of my best friends who's in Disney for the week.
Drove by somewhere I shouldn't have tonight. Saw the streetlight I've sat under numerous nights before out of breath from running there. Funny to think how I felt as alone as I did. But if I ran just a little further, I would be at his house. The current best friends. You live in between them. Almost exactly in the middle.
Trying to accept that this will be a lonely summer.
Trying to accept that I won't be talking to some people I've hoped I would.
Trying to remember the friends I do have. Especially the one who I can hang out with and talk about everything with. Cause we are that similar.
Maybe this summer can stay the way it is right now, and it won't suck.
It seems like that might be my only option.
<3
listening to The Used.
missing one of my best friends who's in Disney for the week.
Drove by somewhere I shouldn't have tonight. Saw the streetlight I've sat under numerous nights before out of breath from running there. Funny to think how I felt as alone as I did. But if I ran just a little further, I would be at his house. The current best friends. You live in between them. Almost exactly in the middle.
Trying to accept that this will be a lonely summer.
Trying to accept that I won't be talking to some people I've hoped I would.
Trying to remember the friends I do have. Especially the one who I can hang out with and talk about everything with. Cause we are that similar.
Maybe this summer can stay the way it is right now, and it won't suck.
It seems like that might be my only option.
<3
Sunday, June 14, 2009
To whom it may concern
I miss her sooo much. Writing that I just though about U. FUCK! Cause now I realize everything I'm going to write, is also true for U. Am I just saying it, because I'm falling back? She won't talk to me, I care about her so much. I want to just drive to her house right now and knock on her door. Ask what's wrong with me? Why haven't you responded? Cause once again, I'm lost and confused. The first time, it turns out I was wrong. It was my fault. So maybe it is again. Maybe it's not so much I'm chasing her. Maybe it's I'm chasing second chances still. Cause if I get enough, It might make up for the one I fucked up that U gave me. Sry, look at me. In one night it all goes back to u. It's ok, at least 2night I know that cd will put me to sleep. The one that has for a couple of years now. Cause the past few nights, It hasn't been working. I knew something was going wrong. today was a good day. tonight has sucks since I've been home.
It was easier to miss you and not think about you as much when I was 60 miles away rather than 1.
<3
It was easier to miss you and not think about you as much when I was 60 miles away rather than 1.
<3
Saturday, June 13, 2009
If you don't feel a little alone sometimes,
then someone around you is fake. If not everyone. Tough week in some ways.
Dear me,
write more later
love,
< 3
Dear me,
write more later
love,
< 3
Sunday, June 7, 2009
part deux. a few days later.
from the moment we are born we are slowly dying.
it is the only thing that remains constant.
dear world,
please make me not alone.
i was told a tour story of bob dylan- how when you were in his crew on the road with him. when he had his hood up it meant you couldnt talk to him and when he didnt you could.
i believe i must have a disorder of some kind- or else why would i care about things so but act so carelessly. nevermind anything.
Think of how I would love to spend the day just writing. I want to catalog everything. I want to explore every inch. I want to write myself a letter from the future when all is well and just give myself some kind of comfort
there are words that can be strung together and repeated in my ear in a particular order that will unlock the codes of my heart. i sit and wait on them.
"we're all in the gutter, some of us are looking at the stars."
put the love on hold, anticipation is on the other line and excitement called while you were out.
not too sure i could ever love someone who loved me.
the way they say "youre committing slow suicide" when someone lights up or cuts loose. but arent we all. everything we do just shortens our life, every breath is one less. but its what makes everything so treasured
part 2. mayb they have moved on. Maybe Pete is a different person. But it's still comforting and okay to read this. And sometimes lie to myself and say that he hasnt changed. I think unlike every other thing that's only been remotely close to my heart, this didn't end badly. He doesn't hate or dislike me. He's the only one. Ya, he doesn't know me. But that's why in a way I'm happy i didn't meet him. I'm so afraid I'd screw it up. Anyway. Also, I can sense that my writing changes a lil afta readin him. There's a special feeling in my heart right now. It's cause of him. It's the closest to home I've had since March 21. I fucking love this man. I don't care if he's changed, I want to kidnap him and hang out for a week.
If you want to really know a lot about my past, it's good you're reading this.
only up 2 page 42 I hope 2mrw goes okay.
< 3
it is the only thing that remains constant.
dear world,
please make me not alone.
i was told a tour story of bob dylan- how when you were in his crew on the road with him. when he had his hood up it meant you couldnt talk to him and when he didnt you could.
i believe i must have a disorder of some kind- or else why would i care about things so but act so carelessly. nevermind anything.
Think of how I would love to spend the day just writing. I want to catalog everything. I want to explore every inch. I want to write myself a letter from the future when all is well and just give myself some kind of comfort
there are words that can be strung together and repeated in my ear in a particular order that will unlock the codes of my heart. i sit and wait on them.
"we're all in the gutter, some of us are looking at the stars."
put the love on hold, anticipation is on the other line and excitement called while you were out.
not too sure i could ever love someone who loved me.
the way they say "youre committing slow suicide" when someone lights up or cuts loose. but arent we all. everything we do just shortens our life, every breath is one less. but its what makes everything so treasured
part 2. mayb they have moved on. Maybe Pete is a different person. But it's still comforting and okay to read this. And sometimes lie to myself and say that he hasnt changed. I think unlike every other thing that's only been remotely close to my heart, this didn't end badly. He doesn't hate or dislike me. He's the only one. Ya, he doesn't know me. But that's why in a way I'm happy i didn't meet him. I'm so afraid I'd screw it up. Anyway. Also, I can sense that my writing changes a lil afta readin him. There's a special feeling in my heart right now. It's cause of him. It's the closest to home I've had since March 21. I fucking love this man. I don't care if he's changed, I want to kidnap him and hang out for a week.
If you want to really know a lot about my past, it's good you're reading this.
only up 2 page 42 I hope 2mrw goes okay.
< 3
Saturday, June 6, 2009
This is how our world is fucked up
I'm grasping for something new. By something, I mean someone. Not cause I'm ready, but I just want to escape the pain and false hope I'm leaning on. I'm looking for the best out of these bad decisions. I need something new to come along. Maybe I don't NEED, but I really want someone. It's almost like this summer is me ruining everything I've worked for the past few months in college. I feel like I've really changed. I do. But being stuck in this town, I don't have a fucking clue what to do besides going back to settling for the same old. I don't feel like writing much more right now.
You don't have to fuck someone to feel less alone.
Sometimes just a simple hug can turn around your week.
I need that hug.
< 3
You don't have to fuck someone to feel less alone.
Sometimes just a simple hug can turn around your week.
I need that hug.
< 3
Thursday, June 4, 2009
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