Spent late last night watching FOB videos and reading old journals of Pete Wentz. I got to see my dog today. That was exciting. Got to drive around with a friend that I hadn't seen in months.
And I realize this blog isn't different. It isn't great. Probably not even good. And I want it to be. It can be real and great. But I just don't know how to be real. I don't know what to type right now, but the feeling of my fingers running across this keyboard make me feel just a little more okay. So I'm just going to keep doing it. Saw you in my dreams last night. It was in the future and you and I were together. Made pancakes this afternoon for breakfast. Ran to the store to get milk, then drank coffee instead. I wonder how much you think of me. I wonder how much anyone does. I wonder how I could be more hopeful. Tomorrow will be good. Tomorrow night will decide if I'll still feel that way. Going to be meeting up with some good people again hopefully. Shall be fun. Maybe seeing others first. I don't know. If you hold me long enough and say you love me, I'll be yours. It's that simple right now, because most nights I feel like a lone man wolf pack. That's lost. And It's winter. I could go on and on, but you get the point.
Don't expect those to be there for you that you are there for them. They are too busy going through their own shit. We all need people that are either okay enough to talk to, or just great at faking the fact.
Almost called her today so I could remember what lust feels like, and then compare it to this. If it came up short, how'd you feel?
I feel like I don't know how to write about life or questions as much as I do love and girls that I can't quite get. I'm going back to bad habbits now. Time to stop and sleep. Non of this probably made sense. If so, disregard.
<3
Friday, October 29, 2010
insomnia
Can't sleep can't sleep can't sleep. This sucks. I'm sick of it. I get home at 330am, but I can't fall asleep. I do not feel okay. I haven't this whole semester. I don't feel wanted up here. I just really don't at all. Sometimes when I go home I do a little, others not at all.
Even during the day, I have a lot of stuff I could be doing. But no motivation. I had UChapter stuff I could've done this afternoon. Even after the great meeting yesterday, I just didn't have any motivation for it. It's bad. Something is wrong. I know it. I can feel it.
As fucked as it is to say... I feel like I don't want to leave and go down to Coco. I don't want to leave certain things up here, certain people. I shouldn't run away from my problems. And I could do a lot in this area. I know that. I could have support. I could get by. Probably even be happy. I'm getting very well connected up here. And I'm soooooo scared that if I leave, I won't be able to be there for some people. I'm scared I'm going to end up on a plane home to go to a funeral like other TWLOHA employees have had to do because a friend died by suicide. I would never be okay again if that happened. Thinking particularly about two people right now. Focused on one more so. I'm not going to get a good nights sleep until I know she's getting the help she needs. And there's that little part of me that wants to see what will happen. It was God's choice that I was called a father. I will not ignore that, or him. I won't. I'm listening to it and it's in the back of my head; also resting in my heart. Though right now, her words don't mean as much. At least I try to not take them to mean as much. Because I know whoever she is right now, it's not the real her. I want to see what she's like after getting some help. Not fixed, no, not that at all. There is something beautiful about being broken. But I think she might get this. And in my head I do. I don't want to try to explain more. Because I know I might not word something correctly, and I don't want it to be offensive. But I'm just stuck on this. Waiting to see what happens next. Waiting. Scared. Scared a little bit too. Okay, maybe a lot. I really have trouble falling asleep. : /
This will be my last semester at UML. I can 94% guarantee that! In general, sick of this fucking place. I know there are bigger things than this, and I want to start to search for the answers and chase the ideas. I want to be free. And if by some miracle, I have a significant other to do all this with.... well then, I will be happy in a form so pure, I've yet to experience.
Love is my kryptonite
Waiting. Trying to stay hopeful. But also not get so connected that it can kill me.
<3
Even during the day, I have a lot of stuff I could be doing. But no motivation. I had UChapter stuff I could've done this afternoon. Even after the great meeting yesterday, I just didn't have any motivation for it. It's bad. Something is wrong. I know it. I can feel it.
As fucked as it is to say... I feel like I don't want to leave and go down to Coco. I don't want to leave certain things up here, certain people. I shouldn't run away from my problems. And I could do a lot in this area. I know that. I could have support. I could get by. Probably even be happy. I'm getting very well connected up here. And I'm soooooo scared that if I leave, I won't be able to be there for some people. I'm scared I'm going to end up on a plane home to go to a funeral like other TWLOHA employees have had to do because a friend died by suicide. I would never be okay again if that happened. Thinking particularly about two people right now. Focused on one more so. I'm not going to get a good nights sleep until I know she's getting the help she needs. And there's that little part of me that wants to see what will happen. It was God's choice that I was called a father. I will not ignore that, or him. I won't. I'm listening to it and it's in the back of my head; also resting in my heart. Though right now, her words don't mean as much. At least I try to not take them to mean as much. Because I know whoever she is right now, it's not the real her. I want to see what she's like after getting some help. Not fixed, no, not that at all. There is something beautiful about being broken. But I think she might get this. And in my head I do. I don't want to try to explain more. Because I know I might not word something correctly, and I don't want it to be offensive. But I'm just stuck on this. Waiting to see what happens next. Waiting. Scared. Scared a little bit too. Okay, maybe a lot. I really have trouble falling asleep. : /
This will be my last semester at UML. I can 94% guarantee that! In general, sick of this fucking place. I know there are bigger things than this, and I want to start to search for the answers and chase the ideas. I want to be free. And if by some miracle, I have a significant other to do all this with.... well then, I will be happy in a form so pure, I've yet to experience.
Love is my kryptonite
Waiting. Trying to stay hopeful. But also not get so connected that it can kill me.
<3
Friday, October 15, 2010
Let's remember that there is beauty all around us
Lately, this entire world seems so broken to me. Especially in my local community, I have noticed the feeling of tension. Heaviness that won't go away. People that know me probably think I used the saying and idea of "heavy and light" too much. I fully understand life is both, but lately is has seemed mainly heavy. I hope you can't relate to that last sentence. I hope that you still see the beauty and the happiness all around us. The sun rises everyday, and I hope that means something to you. Smiling, and small kind gestures towards others can really mean a lot. But if life is heavy for you, know that you aren't alone in that. We are all here together. We are in this broken world, but we can learn how to make the best of it. Reaching out to a friend that is going through a hard time when you are too can be so tough. But there's an opportunity here to learn about how broken people help broken people. Reach out and accept it when others reach out to you. Take turns just venting, and know that you are there for each other. Talk. Let it out, because you don't have to keep it all built up inside. Relate to each other and help each other figure out how to get through this. Be a support system. When you're trying, I don't think there are bad conversations. The only bad conversations are the ones that aren't of existence. That allow the elephants to fill the room and the heaviness to drag us down even more. I just want to encourage you to be a little more hopeful, and reach out sometimes even after you already have and it didn't work out the way you wanted. You are not alone in any of this. We are here with you. Music is an amazing gift. Powerful music is good. Switchfoot has been playing a lot lately from these speakers. I encourage you to try something similar.
With hope,
Kevin
With hope,
Kevin
Sunday, October 3, 2010
struggle
I pray and ask God to wake up. For I believe in him, but I don't believe he would be putting someone through this. So much pain. The weight of the world isn't on your shoulders, just your own weight. You can't lift it up at all. Only merely dragging it along, trying to get by. I honestly feel like I would only discredit the amount of loneliness if I tried to describe it. So I won't. It's not mine, so it's not fair of me to try.
I never before understood how someone so lonely and hurt could not answer the phone. You need more than a voice and comforting words. Someone to listen or talk to is much closer to loneliness on your scale compared to a feeling that is not shitty. Good doesn't seem possible yet, so for now, we settle with not shitty. How much longer can you go on like this? Something needs to be done. Change needs to happen. Called 911 and told them we need Hope and the support of a community because someone was dying. Called and called and called, but no one answered. It's not important until the heart stops beating, or is a few seconds away from doing so. It's almost like they are encouraging you to get to that point.
I have heard many difficult stories, and met souls that were nothing but heavy. But at least that was something. For you, it's just all become numb.
I want to help. FUCK!!!!! I Want to help SO FUCKING BAD. But I'm lost. Phone calls won't do it. You need someone there. Right now, it's hard for me to be that person. With me knowing that you have practically no one else to turn to, I won't let you down. I don't want to!!!!!! I will get in my car and be on my way before you are done asking. But.... maybe that's already to late. Maybe I'm already not there. And I want to be. More than any test score, and grade, any paycheck, and even any friendship I have up here. I want to be there for you more than I do for my own family. And I do love them.
But I don't know how. And I search and search and search for a way. I can't find one. It keeps me up at night. It haunts me in my dreams. GOD DAMN IT WHY CANT THE PAIN JUST FUCKING GO AWAY FOR YOU?!?!?!?!?! You once said you wish you could hug someone so tight you'd squeeze the pain out of them. I'd get a line of people out the door just to give you hugs, and I'd be at the beginning, middle, and back of it. And some other spots in between. But life's not that easy!!!! I like challenges, and I know there will always be unknowns, but can this please not be one of them? I can't stand it. I can't function. And this isn't about me, please don't get it all wrong. This is about you. About your pain, and the fact that it is more comfortable in your house than you ever will be. Why can't I just get rid of it for you? Why can't we find an answer? I don't even give a shit if it's me, but I want you or someone else to find an answer for you. Find a solution that will make this easier. Because you don't deserve to live like this. You don't deserve all the pain, and the lies, and the nights of crying alone. You shouldn't have to hide behind drugs so you can get through the day. You shouldn't have to try so hard to forget about your life. It's yours and you own it. And I want it to change for you so bad into something you want to own. And I know you do to. I see it in your eyes, even when you deny it with your words. Nobody can live like this. But I'm so happy you are struggling, only for the fact that you haven't given up. You have some tiny bit of hope. I don't know how, but I'm so thankful for it. I hope it doesn't burn out. I hope for the hope that your hopeful. And I want to do more than hope, but I don't know how. I always know how and I don't right now. I need help. I need people that can be there for you with me. The only places that I know of this are mental hospitals and Coco, FL. I vote for the latter. There's always another way though. Dear God, dear people, dear anything and everything that is good, or even tired of being bad; please help find it. Not for me, or anyone or thing else; expect for HER! SHE DESERVES IT!!!!!
It's hard for you to feel. I'm trying to feel for you just a little bit, right now.
Things need to change. Starting RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!!!!!
Always loving, because I really do mean that,
<3
I never before understood how someone so lonely and hurt could not answer the phone. You need more than a voice and comforting words. Someone to listen or talk to is much closer to loneliness on your scale compared to a feeling that is not shitty. Good doesn't seem possible yet, so for now, we settle with not shitty. How much longer can you go on like this? Something needs to be done. Change needs to happen. Called 911 and told them we need Hope and the support of a community because someone was dying. Called and called and called, but no one answered. It's not important until the heart stops beating, or is a few seconds away from doing so. It's almost like they are encouraging you to get to that point.
I have heard many difficult stories, and met souls that were nothing but heavy. But at least that was something. For you, it's just all become numb.
I want to help. FUCK!!!!! I Want to help SO FUCKING BAD. But I'm lost. Phone calls won't do it. You need someone there. Right now, it's hard for me to be that person. With me knowing that you have practically no one else to turn to, I won't let you down. I don't want to!!!!!! I will get in my car and be on my way before you are done asking. But.... maybe that's already to late. Maybe I'm already not there. And I want to be. More than any test score, and grade, any paycheck, and even any friendship I have up here. I want to be there for you more than I do for my own family. And I do love them.
But I don't know how. And I search and search and search for a way. I can't find one. It keeps me up at night. It haunts me in my dreams. GOD DAMN IT WHY CANT THE PAIN JUST FUCKING GO AWAY FOR YOU?!?!?!?!?! You once said you wish you could hug someone so tight you'd squeeze the pain out of them. I'd get a line of people out the door just to give you hugs, and I'd be at the beginning, middle, and back of it. And some other spots in between. But life's not that easy!!!! I like challenges, and I know there will always be unknowns, but can this please not be one of them? I can't stand it. I can't function. And this isn't about me, please don't get it all wrong. This is about you. About your pain, and the fact that it is more comfortable in your house than you ever will be. Why can't I just get rid of it for you? Why can't we find an answer? I don't even give a shit if it's me, but I want you or someone else to find an answer for you. Find a solution that will make this easier. Because you don't deserve to live like this. You don't deserve all the pain, and the lies, and the nights of crying alone. You shouldn't have to hide behind drugs so you can get through the day. You shouldn't have to try so hard to forget about your life. It's yours and you own it. And I want it to change for you so bad into something you want to own. And I know you do to. I see it in your eyes, even when you deny it with your words. Nobody can live like this. But I'm so happy you are struggling, only for the fact that you haven't given up. You have some tiny bit of hope. I don't know how, but I'm so thankful for it. I hope it doesn't burn out. I hope for the hope that your hopeful. And I want to do more than hope, but I don't know how. I always know how and I don't right now. I need help. I need people that can be there for you with me. The only places that I know of this are mental hospitals and Coco, FL. I vote for the latter. There's always another way though. Dear God, dear people, dear anything and everything that is good, or even tired of being bad; please help find it. Not for me, or anyone or thing else; expect for HER! SHE DESERVES IT!!!!!
It's hard for you to feel. I'm trying to feel for you just a little bit, right now.
Things need to change. Starting RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!!!!!
Always loving, because I really do mean that,
<3
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