struggle

I pray and ask God to wake up. For I believe in him, but I don't believe he would be putting someone through this. So much pain. The weight of the world isn't on your shoulders, just your own weight. You can't lift it up at all. Only merely dragging it along, trying to get by. I honestly feel like I would only discredit the amount of loneliness if I tried to describe it. So I won't. It's not mine, so it's not fair of me to try.
I never before understood how someone so lonely and hurt could not answer the phone. You need more than a voice and comforting words. Someone to listen or talk to is much closer to loneliness on your scale compared to a feeling that is not shitty. Good doesn't seem possible yet, so for now, we settle with not shitty. How much longer can you go on like this? Something needs to be done. Change needs to happen. Called 911 and told them we need Hope and the support of a community because someone was dying. Called and called and called, but no one answered. It's not important until the heart stops beating, or is a few seconds away from doing so. It's almost like they are encouraging you to get to that point.
I have heard many difficult stories, and met souls that were nothing but heavy. But at least that was something. For you, it's just all become numb.
I want to help. FUCK!!!!! I Want to help SO FUCKING BAD. But I'm lost. Phone calls won't do it. You need someone there. Right now, it's hard for me to be that person. With me knowing that you have practically no one else to turn to, I won't let you down. I don't want to!!!!!! I will get in my car and be on my way before you are done asking. But.... maybe that's already to late. Maybe I'm already not there. And I want to be. More than any test score, and grade, any paycheck, and even any friendship I have up here. I want to be there for you more than I do for my own family. And I do love them.
But I don't know how. And I search and search and search for a way. I can't find one. It keeps me up at night. It haunts me in my dreams. GOD DAMN IT WHY CANT THE PAIN JUST FUCKING GO AWAY FOR YOU?!?!?!?!?! You once said you wish you could hug someone so tight you'd squeeze the pain out of them. I'd get a line of people out the door just to give you hugs, and I'd be at the beginning, middle, and back of it. And some other spots in between. But life's not that easy!!!! I like challenges, and I know there will always be unknowns, but can this please not be one of them? I can't stand it. I can't function. And this isn't about me, please don't get it all wrong. This is about you. About your pain, and the fact that it is more comfortable in your house than you ever will be. Why can't I just get rid of it for you? Why can't we find an answer? I don't even give a shit if it's me, but I want you or someone else to find an answer for you. Find a solution that will make this easier. Because you don't deserve to live like this. You don't deserve all the pain, and the lies, and the nights of crying alone. You shouldn't have to hide behind drugs so you can get through the day. You shouldn't have to try so hard to forget about your life. It's yours and you own it. And I want it to change for you so bad into something you want to own. And I know you do to. I see it in your eyes, even when you deny it with your words. Nobody can live like this. But I'm so happy you are struggling, only for the fact that you haven't given up. You have some tiny bit of hope. I don't know how, but I'm so thankful for it. I hope it doesn't burn out. I hope for the hope that your hopeful. And I want to do more than hope, but I don't know how. I always know how and I don't right now. I need help. I need people that can be there for you with me. The only places that I know of this are mental hospitals and Coco, FL. I vote for the latter. There's always another way though. Dear God, dear people, dear anything and everything that is good, or even tired of being bad; please help find it. Not for me, or anyone or thing else; expect for HER! SHE DESERVES IT!!!!!

It's hard for you to feel. I'm trying to feel for you just a little bit, right now.
Things need to change. Starting RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!!!!!

Always loving, because I really do mean that,
<3