insomnia

Can't sleep can't sleep can't sleep. This sucks. I'm sick of it. I get home at 330am, but I can't fall asleep. I do not feel okay. I haven't this whole semester. I don't feel wanted up here. I just really don't at all. Sometimes when I go home I do a little, others not at all.
Even during the day, I have a lot of stuff I could be doing. But no motivation. I had UChapter stuff I could've done this afternoon. Even after the great meeting yesterday, I just didn't have any motivation for it. It's bad. Something is wrong. I know it. I can feel it.

As fucked as it is to say... I feel like I don't want to leave and go down to Coco. I don't want to leave certain things up here, certain people. I shouldn't run away from my problems. And I could do a lot in this area. I know that. I could have support. I could get by. Probably even be happy. I'm getting very well connected up here. And I'm soooooo scared that if I leave, I won't be able to be there for some people. I'm scared I'm going to end up on a plane home to go to a funeral like other TWLOHA employees have had to do because a friend died by suicide. I would never be okay again if that happened. Thinking particularly about two people right now. Focused on one more so. I'm not going to get a good nights sleep until I know she's getting the help she needs. And there's that little part of me that wants to see what will happen. It was God's choice that I was called a father. I will not ignore that, or him. I won't. I'm listening to it and it's in the back of my head; also resting in my heart. Though right now, her words don't mean as much. At least I try to not take them to mean as much. Because I know whoever she is right now, it's not the real her. I want to see what she's like after getting some help. Not fixed, no, not that at all. There is something beautiful about being broken. But I think she might get this. And in my head I do. I don't want to try to explain more. Because I know I might not word something correctly, and I don't want it to be offensive. But I'm just stuck on this. Waiting to see what happens next. Waiting. Scared. Scared a little bit too. Okay, maybe a lot. I really have trouble falling asleep. : /

This will be my last semester at UML. I can 94% guarantee that! In general, sick of this fucking place. I know there are bigger things than this, and I want to start to search for the answers and chase the ideas. I want to be free. And if by some miracle, I have a significant other to do all this with.... well then, I will be happy in a form so pure, I've yet to experience.

Love is my kryptonite
Waiting. Trying to stay hopeful. But also not get so connected that it can kill me.


<3