4 days/Saying farewell

The last couple of weeks have been amazing. I have spent so many days and nights hanging out with people that mean a lot to me. People that I have known for years and people that I've really started to get to know recently. I've had some really great conversations. A few friends have really opened up to me, and I am thankful for that. I wonder how many have started opening up just because they know I'm leaving, and they figure we won't stay in touch (oh trust me, we will!). But I hope it's not for that reason. Being vulnerable is so hard, but so many great things can come out of it; and I've felt and seen this the past couple of weeks. Difficult conversations can end in great positive ways. It's been a privilege getting to know the people I have, and becoming closer with friends.
I think most importantly (for me) it's been great that I've learned how to have fun again. I can hang out with friends and relax and just have a good time. And by have a good time, I don't mean drink. I mean just hang out and laugh, and tell stories, and go on adventures, and making fun of each other, and watching Disney movies, and playing ultimate frisbee in a blizzard, and going in a hot tub in a blizzard, and making the best of sitting in a broken down car on the side of the highway for 2 hours, and playing games, and having foam sword fights in the mall. I'm so glad I've been able to have fun. I feel like for awhile I forgot how to do that.
When I figured I was probably going to Florida, I wanted to have a night where everyone I knew could come together and meet each other. Probably have a few bands there playing music. Do some fun games. Do some cool activities that would allow people to get to know each other. I wanted to do this not because I wanted to be the "focus" of a night and I wanted a night all about me; but rather because I wanted community. I was leaving here, but I wanted a strong community without me. I wanted people to get to know each other. To become friends, to hang out and have fun. And most importantly, to be there for each other when they needed someone. Every minute your feeling alone, there's someone else that's not too far away and not too much different than you feeling alone too. And there's always a lot of people that want to be there, and support, and help, and learn and love. I want to encourage this to happen.
The event didn't happen, but I feel like the community has in a sense, and I HOPE it continues to!!!! I hope people reach out to each other. To share their stories, and invite others to become a part of them. Reaching out can be hard, but I do it so much and I love it. Sometimes I don't think about it, or try to find a reason, I just do it! I'll pick up my phone and call and text people and say positive things and ask how they are or make plans to hang out soon. Everyone has that one "safety" outlet to cope. That one crutch you can go to when you are having a struggle with something. For me, it's people. It's friends, and conversations, and not being alone. It's also music. I think having people as a crutch is the best way. Not the easiest at all, but defiantly the best! We are so powerful. You as a person are more powerful than you could ever imagine!!!!!! Remember that.
I want to end with this. I hope that I can go out on the road doing some speaking things with TWLOHA. I want to share my blog "Struggle" with people. I want people to have an extreme feeling, and I want to pull people into this organization. Some are skeptical because it can almost seem like we are making these issues a trend. These issues happen, they have, and they always will. People struggle, life is hard. However, we don't want to make these issues a trend. We don't want people to stay connected to these issues. We want COMMUNITY and Conversations. We want people to stay connected with people!!! We want everyone to CARE about people. We hope that in situations when needed, your friend, or family member will come first. No matter what else you are doing. Care about people. This is why we live. To go through life together. So let's do that as much as we can. I'm going to in Cocoa. I'm going to try to get to know so many people so much; and also continue to try to make myself a better person. I hope where ever you are and whatever you're doing, you try to do that to.

Peace to you tonight,
< 3

First, Read this blog. It's way better than anything I've written

http://askheychris.livejournal.com/

He's so real, he's so honest. It's so respectable. This guy is just, wow. Words aren't fitting.
Currently sleeping over a friends house. I wish I met this girl months ago, if not years ago. I feel like at the least, she's the super close best friend I've never had. I'm usually not okay with "doing nothing" when hanging out with someone. And I know I need to work on that. And I know she makes me feel comfortable chilling and "doing nothing". Driving an hour up here in a blizzard to hang out with her is so worth it. She's asleep on the other couch in the room right now. I'll b sleeping soon (I hope).
We went in a hot tub outside tonight. 90% of my body felt so warm and relaxed while my face was getting hit with snow. It was a great experience. I loved it. Though the ten seconds of getting out of the hot tub to getting to the house, including walking through the snow... yeah, you can bet that SUCKED!!!!! But overall, it was fun.
I'm leaving in 7 days. It's becoming so real. I'm wondering what/who I'm going to miss the most. I'd say it's her, but I think we are just going to keep getting closer and do a great job at staying in touch. So I wonder... what am I going to miss? I kinda think/hope that I'll be so busy I won't miss much. I wonder how much I'm going to miss my family. I'll tell ya, Christmas this year went pretty well. Our whole family was actually getting along and having fun at our Grandparents house. (see pic below)
I just want the change to happen. I don't want to sit here and think about it. I want to be down there. I don't want to worry, or make assumptions, or have expectations. I just want to go. So this last week is going to be hard. Especially seeing hanging out with this new friend has been the main thing I'm loving doing everyday, but she's leaving Tuesday. Maybe it's so I'm going to know how others will feel about me leaving. Cause I know saying bye to her will suck.
But overall, life is great. I really mean that, and I'm really accepting and believing that. Thinking of the good things.
Movies we watched tonight: Bug's Life (Disney old school), Radio, Up (Disney). In case you're bored and have an hour or two to spare....


http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=619537854426&set=t.41508391

With hope and warmth and hugs tonight,
<3

We go back to art: to songs, poems, and paintings because they're real.

If we right a song, and we believe the words behind it so true that we will scream them into a microphone; then it feels real to us. This is why songs feel like home. Because in life you get lost so much. Descartes spent a lot of his life trying to find one truth, one answer. He decided that the one truth is "You can't doubt doubt, because then you are doubting" This is true. But it's confusing, and it's hard to be able to apply that to the problems in our own lives. So maybe our "one truth" in todays world is art. Maybe it's seeing the painting the just shows colors so bright and intertwined that it is so real to us. Maybe it's listening to words be spoken through a microphone; and hearing the pain behind them, and the questions, and then hope.
A lot of times, I write because I want to feel something real. I want to know that in the mess of things, I believe at least what I'm writing is something that is true to me. I think it can help. I also think I need a nap. Stay tuned.


<3

Feel like writing right now, feels good to say that

Having some good conversations tonight. Going to briefly write this now, because I'm getting tired. Then I'll go back to it soon.

Someone is struggling. If we stay in their life and keep loving and supporting them, but they are changing... it can feel like we are enabling them to stay the way they are in a way.
But if we leave, there's going to be less hope, and faith, and trust.

This might seem simple. but I'm diving into it headfirst deeper and deeper. Writing this down helps. Fo sho. I'm going to try to write more. You should too! It's great.


< 3

I'm a people person

I love people. I love being around people. I want to meet up and have open, honest conversations every single day of my life. I want to share stories. Talk about things that can be hard to talk about. I continuously self-evaluate myself. I know I can always be a better person, and I always try to be. I think about myself on a very deep level, and I love to talk about that with other people that do the same. But it's hard to have these conversations. I don't want to think that people are shallow and just don't think like that... but I think they're maybe scared? Maybe when a lot of us start to self-evaluate, we hate what we see, we don't like who we are. I've been there, I still am sometimes. It's so hard to face that, especially alone. To be honest, I still don't like the person I am. If you want to know more about that, ask me "why" when we are talking sometime. I'll talk about it. I want this post to have a bigger meaning than me though. But why do we run away from that? Why don't we take time to self-evaluate. It's hard. I know that.
But people don't, and it seems like they just walk through life. Not really caring, not really happy. It can be hard to do this. It can be hard to really care, to be emotional. People put their jobs, their school work, some hobby first. But what if we put people first? What if we tried to care about others. What if we weighed our accomplishments in a day not by how much we got done at work, or that we finished a paper, or earned this much money; but by the conversations we had? How we got to know someone, if we helped someone or not, or what we learned about ourselves? And I don't mean in the shallow sense of that. Who the person really is. It can start with questions like, where are you from? what do you do for fun? what's your favorite sport? what's your favorite band? BUT IT CAN GO DEEPER!!!! How are you, really? What is your biggest fear right now? What's your dreams, what are you doing to make them real? I feel like it's hard for us to show we really care a lot of the times. We all do, I'm not saying there are bad people out there in the world. I think people get tired though, and worn out, and sick of stuff, and exhausted. I think everybody wants to do in a job in which they feel like they are making a difference. I think everybody either expresses they care or deep down want to. But I wish we as a society pushed ourselves more. I remind you, I constantly self-evaluate. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to be a better person. What if instead of going to help out at a soup kitchen on thanksgiving day, we did it once a week? What if instead of dropping $20 into The Salvation army bin, we used that to go take a homeless person out to dinner? Had a nice meal and a conversation with them? Got to know them and learn their struggles. Then maybe tried to help them if they weren't happy. See what we could do to make them happy. I try to not get too attached to possessions. If I ever start to bitch about losing something or that I don't have something, please remind me of all of the people less fortunate than me in the sense of possessions. I want to go over to Africa so bad. I want to learn the culture and see what makes people that have to walk for miles just to get water want to keep living. Because I think they fucking get it better than any of us reading this on a computer ever will. By it I mean life, I mean the bigger picture, I mean the tough questions. I mean all of "it".
I hope people start to do more good things. I think it starts with conversations. I want to meet the people that when I ask, what are you passionate about? They don't say "the red sox", but instead "trying to end sex-trafficking". Good can come out of everything. I understand the Red Sox can give people hope, that at the end of a long day sitting down and watching a ball game can be unwinding and relaxing. But so can grabbing coffee and having a conversation. I guarantee you, if instead of sitting down and watching TV for an hour, you go help out at a Soup Kitchen, you will feel better at the end of that night. Yes, it'll feel awkward walking in there for the first time, but a happiness can come from that. And it's so much more valuable than the excitement of watching a team win the world series. Or at least I think it should be to you. I never try to tell people what to do. And I understand in this post, I am a little bit. I'm being a little shallow minded, and maybe parts of this frustrate you. But try to see the good in this. Try. Read it again with an open mind. I'm self-evaluating, and I'm going to try to make these thoughts more organized and more open and welcoming. I've turned down and blown off going to parties plenty of times when friend's have asked. However, I've never said no to going with a friend to help somebody in a way that I think is meaningful and doing good. I'll work on that, and I'll try to make a difference in somebody's day today. What are you going to do?
If your hesitant, cause I have been lately, here's another thought process I'm struggling with lately: I help people a lot, but sometimes I wonder what's the point? If you aren't truly broken down, you won't change. I've had conversations with people, and they feel better about themselves, but then the next friday, they are out getting drunk at a party and they haven't done anything worthwhile. They they didn't develop a true care for people. I feel like there wasn't a point in these situations. Was there? I think there needs to be a larger and more well-known community that supports people to do good things. Because without that, we fall right back into the old ones. I have a lot of questions and struggles in my head right now. My heart is heavy. While you're sleeping at night, I'm thinking about the girl who is a few blocks away fucking some guy that paid her $100 because it's come to this so she doesn't feel alone, or so she can put food on the table for her kid. And I don't know her story, but I want to. I want to go ask those questions and learn about why she's living the life she is.
About 2 months ago, I was at a therapy session, and was asked "what do you do for fun?" I didn't have an answer. "wow, um, nothing I think. But having conversations with people relaxes me, and that makes me feel real. I guess that's the closest I can get to fun?" I'm sorry, but this is a broken world. I try to never ignore that. We live here and if we understand the pain, we can help make a difference and turn it into something better. I hope that more people try to turn this into something better.