True Friendship

Just got inspired to write this. I feel like there are very few moments that I can save I gave my all. There are very few friendships that I feel like I've been good at. Really good at. I was reminded tonight of a time that I was a good friend. Being a good friend means reaching out. It means giving up a day to be there for someone. Taking that extra step and not giving a fuck about having someone owe you something in return. You do it because you care and it's the right thing to do. It's that simple. I want to work more on being a better friend. I'm going to start really trying to push myself as I'm down here. I want to reach out more. To do things and not expect anything back. What will help the not having expectations part is what I said before, about proving who I am to myself by my choices. I can do this and also work on how I interact with others. This is a new way of life I haven't looked at before. I'm starting to peak in the door.

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Progress

We can so easily get caught up in things. Work, friendships, news, events, ANYTHING! It can be hard to find time to sit and relax, to sit and reflect. These things are important and essential to a healthy life. We can easily get off track, and forget to do this. Take time for yourself! I had a couple of conversations today about my future. I'm planning to live by myself starting in May. Legit, by myself. Not going away to college and living in a dorm with a roommate, but totally on my own in an apartment. I'm scared as fuck in some senses. But this is exciting! This is going to give me a chance to grow in ways that I have never been able to. This is going to hopefully force me to spend a lot of time facing myself and who I am. I'm putting myself in a situation with a lot of potential. If I reach that potential or not... well, that's up to me.

I've done push ups the past two mornings. I will hit 51 by Friday. Mark my words, because it's about the things that you do for yourself. Those are the ones that define who you are more than anything else. I think I'm starting to believe that sentence I just wrote... I hope that's a good thing. That it means moving forward and not backwards.

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Tonight I share two of my favorite quotes.

"And your nothing special... except... what if you are?"

"Behind the hatred there lies a murderous desire for love"

I have been lazy. Since I've gotten down here, I've done push-ups every morning when I get up. Started with 20 a morning, and worked my way up. I've done 47. Not yet 51 (I don't like the number 50 so I wouldn't stop there). About a week ago I stopped. I haven't done them in a week. I feel weak. I don't have the motivation to do them for myself anymore. Something is wrong. Maybe something bigger is going on here. I need to figure shit out. I need to get off my ass. Here's to hoping tomorrow morning is different.

I want to explain something also. I feel like my last blog post wasn't my best, even when I was writing it. I didn't really like it. "Then why did you post it Kevin?" Good question! I post those because I want to be real. Real doesn't mean always having the right words, and feeling like we have things figured out. Sometimes being real means screaming "FUCK" at the top of your lungs, or being defensive, or feeling lost and lonely. I post the things I write because I believe that people could relate to them, and maybe take something out of it. So I hope that people remember that we aren't always perfect. If I post something and it's not great, then I'm human. Every time I share something I am showing you a little more of who I am. I don't want you to only see the good sides. I want you to know the struggles too. I'm okay with you knowing my flaws. Here's my heart in my out-stretched arms. You can walk away, you can embrace it and show me yours, or you can throw it to the ground. I'm giving you the power. Use my words to motivate yourself, or use them against me. The choice is yours.


Currently listening to: http://www.jacksmannequin.com/tour
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Do it for yourself.

This is life. Strip away all of the people in your life. Let's pretend that you've fallen out of touch with old friends. That your new friends just don't make sense yet. Let's pretend that your heros have become let downs, that the things that you put your heart into start to fall apart. Would you be okay? Would you be able to get up and keep going in the morning?

My point here is are you doing things because you want to do them? Could you strip away everything else and still do what you are and be happy with it? People leave. They always will. If you disagree, remember that we all die. We can put our hearts out there, but we need to make sure that we are okay by ourselves. Somedays the only thing that can get us through the day is the hardest thing to come to terms with, that face staring back at us in the mirror. I lived today for me. Through that I also lived it for others. But I lived it for me. This is me putting up barriers, or maybe this is me being more honest and less hopeful. I'm watching a ship sink. I can't tell if I'm on it or off it, but this fucker is going down. It's time to get off.

How far can you push yourself? Far enough? Will you make it? Put your fucking textbooks down for a minute. Shut off your damn T.V.s. Stop read people's status updates on Facebook. There's no reason tonight shouldn't be about you. So make it about you. This is YOUR life. Are you who you want to be? Are you happy with how things are going? What do you want to change? How can you change it?

Are you going to wake up 10 years from now and wish you did more to feel alive? Plan a trip to Africa. Go help build a house. Work in a shop kitchen. Offer a stranger a friendly smile. Take a homeless person out to dinner. Go help terminally ill children. Do something that is giving back, but also allowing you to appreciate your own life more. Really think about things. Maybe good intentions aren't enough anymore. They were so 20th century. Now your intentions have to be better for the greater good.

I read a message today from a girl that told us everyday we (TWLOHA) are changing the world. I wanted to tell her that she is too.

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Take this to your grave

I'm listening to this album, but that's not what this post is about. This is about every little thing we take to our graves that we shouldn't. We ask for so many things in life out of other people. But do we ever take enough time to look in the mirror and ask the things that we should to ourselves? It almost seems like we just want to want change. We don't ACTUALLY want it.

We if we looked in the mirror? What if instead of trying to tackle all of these other problems that society throws on us, we looked at ourselves and asked if we were okay? We took some time to look at our faults, and come to terms with them. To think about the things we don't like, and to figure out how to love them about us or try to change them. We don't do this enough. We just don't take time. I'm lucky that I'm in a place where I can now do this. I can go sit by the river, stare into the water, and just think about life. No book, no people, no music. Just me and my thoughts. Can you do this? Can you find a place that you feel relaxed in, and take time to think about things? Of course you can! Will you? That's up to you.

You can ask something to a friend 1,000 times. The answer was inside you before you ever asked the first time. You just never took the time to look. We don't take the time to look. And this leaves us more empty, with bigger holes. This pushes our dreams away further. This opens the door for that world out there that doesn't give a fuck and is waiting to use us. Are you going to let it pull you out, or are you going to flip it off and slam the door in it's face?

Here's for the things that we don't to our graves, because we allow ourselves to think and act on them. The trips, the relationships, the honesty, the experiences, the memories, the happiness that we find because of it. Because we took that one extra step. We look in the mirror every morning to see what we look like as we are running out the door. When do you look in the mirror to see who you are, and take time to search for an answer?

Even if I don't know you, I can confidently say that I know this: A better life is waiting for you. Don't ask me how to get it. Look inside yourself.

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The dude's a genius

http://askheychris.livejournal.com/322440.html

This is a week behind schedule, but here it is:

Note to future self.

Dear Kevin,
How is life being a Rockstar? Did you end up getting a second home in the Bahamas or Hawaii? Nah, I’m just kiddin!

I hope things are going well. I’m going to tell you about the person I am right now. I love going back and reading things I wrote a year or two ago, and even longer if I can. I have noticed that when I do this, I always hope for two things. That I loved the person I was, and that I can see areas in which I’ve grown. I want to be able to relate to the old me, but to also feel like I’ve learned more, grown, and matured. I don’t think it’s up to me to tell you what kind of person you should be, because who knows where life will take us. I just hope that you are chasing your dreams and you’re doing things that really make you smile. I hope you haven’t given in and allowed money and society’s views to run your life.

I’m reading books about “Hey Chris” right now. He’s an awesome dude that pushes to always become a better person. He is straight edge, and he talks a lot about the spirit of “The true fuck you”. How it is a choice, it is owning who you are and loving it. How we have 2 swear fingers and a smile, and no one can take that away from us. It’s really cool. Being in touch with who you are.

Right now I’m struggling a lot with the “Who am I?” question. I’ve tried to not focus on it so much, because I know it to an extent. I guess it’s one of those questions that I feel like we never get a set answer to, so I’m coming to terms with that, and trying to live life. Any luck with this though? Any better of an answer?

Love is the best thing life has to offer. I still believe that. Love is my kryptonite. Is it still yours? Nothing can really make my heart break harder and faster than a girl. If you’re single, then that’s good. I hope you are still trying to make yourself a better person, and I hope that you haven’t given up nor given in. I hope if you are with someone, you are truly happy. Like seriously, truly happy! ARE YOU!?!?!? Don’t fuck this up! You might be with this person the rest of your life. I’ve put a lot of effort, time, and energy into not settling. So I hope you haven’t.

I hope you are doing good things. You know what the sentence means, that it’s way more than those words. I hope you feel alive most days. You get to do work that doesn’t seem like work. I hope your heart is strong. If it’s weak, I hope you have the strength to pick up the pieces and to give them out to people. Remember your blog “I’m a people person”? Well, you should go read it. Do what makes you happy, and don’t give that up for anybody or anything. I have faith in you though.

As I’m writing this, I feel that the type of person I am is one that pushes myself a lot. I believe that we as people can always do more, and I love that about myself. I hope that spark is still inside you. It’s special, as long as you don’t let it run you down.

There’s a saying I say everyday to people right now, and it’s one that you need to remember for yourself, You were meant for amazing things. Listen to Sleeping At Last. Go for a walk and get lost in nature. Call Chris Calabro and talk to him today. I hope you are still friends. If not, get over whatever shit you fought about, or the fact that you both suck at staying in touch sometimes and just call him! He’s your best friend. He’s an incredible dude. People change, but if you are reading this and smiling, then you haven’t changed that much. And I doubt/hope that he’s the same way. Remember the things that are real in life. They get you through. Family is important. Family is important. Family is important. Family is important. I love you. If you don’t feel like any one else does right now, I do. I hope you believe in yourself. Keep your chin up.

Love,
The younger Kevin
3/7/11

Running

My heart is racing. Sweat is covering my body. Music is pounding into my ears. It's giving me the strength to keep going. To do nothing but look forward. Running into the darkness. Streetlight to streetlight. Darkness makes me want to run faster. To run through it. Fuck looking back. Fuck stopping. My body can ache. My legs can hurt. I can cramp up. But it doesn't matter. I got my smile. I got my two swear fingers. These are two things I learned from Hey Chris. I'm going to keep pushing myself. I'm going to not give up. It's not physical strength, it's mental strength. Your mind puts limits on what you can do, as do a million other things in this world. Here's to saying fuck you to those limits, and beating.

Here's for new things. Here's for the future. Here's for having the freedom to do whatever I want to. Here's for wanting to go to Africa. Here's for wanting to start my own non-profit. I have dreams. I'm going after them. There's going to be a very small list of things in my life that I wish I would've done. Tomorrow is new. It has never happened before. So maybe you should do something that you have never done before. If you want to ask "why?" then you don't get it. If you asking yourself "why not?" then running tonight, well that was for you as much as it was for me.

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This weekend.

This morning I woke up tired. Very tired. Not just because of losing an hour of sleep. But because I was up yesterday from 8am until 1 (2 with the time change) am. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. I didn't want to go to work.
Would I do it all over again? In a second!
We don't remember the nights that we are sleeping.

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City and Colour

I'm listening to this band right now. I've heard a song here and there, but this is the first time. I'm hearing songs for the first time right now. Those golden moments. When the music is just music, and you can relax to it. You can smile when you hear a certain line, or a chord change. Because it's new. You've never heard it before. I'm smiling right now.

Today was difficult. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. I didn't want to go into the office. I didn't want to be around people. Living down here is fucking hard. Last night I thought about going home. Today, I forced myself out of bed. I went into the office and I sat and had a difficult conversation. I made myself very vulnerable. I was honest. "I feel like there might be other places where I'd be happier"... "I don't feel needed here sometimes. This is difficult for me. I'm worried about where this is going, and if it'll get any better." I was asked the question "What are you going to get out of this?" (wording could be off). I don't know why exactly I'm down here. I know part of it was to run away from stuff. I know part of it is because I hope it'll lead to a job. But there are other reasons and expectations that I had that I know aren't fair.

So I have to try to forget the unfair expectations. I have to try to find the real reasons I'm here right now. I realized that a lot of my frustrations come from insecurities. I'm not just saying that, I'm owning it and admitting it. I'm a people person. It's hard for be to have down time, because then I'm not with people. But there's also a deeper reason... because if I'm alone, I have to start to look at myself. I guess I'm running away from something. What is that? I've got to dig. Really dig. Right now I have an amazing opportunity in which I have time, support, and peace to do this. This is golden. So I'm going to try to take it. I want to be secure. If I'm going to follow these big plans I have laying ahead, I'm going to need to be okay. This is step one for all of that.

Here's to new things...
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Community & Growth by Jean Vanier

In every human being there is such a thirst for communion with another, a cry to be loved and understood - not judged or condemned; there is a yearning to be called forth as special and unique. But to have this communion with another involves demands: to come out of one's shell of protection, to become vulnerable in order to love and understand others, to call them forth as special and unique, to share and to give space and nourishment to them. That is where the pain and fear lie, even sometime the incapacity to love.

Phone Conversations...

This is going to be a little similar to a blog I will post tomorrow night, only like a sentence or two. I have followers on my blog now. Before I only had a few, now I have 11. I think that's cool. Makes me want to write better. So here I go.
I called my best friend from home tonight. We talked for close to 2 hours. The conversation could've went on the whole night. We bring out the best in each other. We seriously do. It's great that I have him. Being down here in Florida, it's real tough sometimes. I've been here about 2 months now, but it still doesn't feel like home. I don't feel as close to people as I could be. I don't feel connected. I know this takes time, and I'm trying to be patient. But there's something in here that I think we can all relate to. Being around people that don't know you well, that really shakes your sense of self. You start to question things, especially if you aren't encouraged as you used to be. To go from the support of a large community to living in a house with 5 strangers, that's challenging. I'm not saying just for me, I know it is for all of us. But we have all been put in situations where we start to question who we are. This is challenging that for me. And I can say that it is challenging my thoughts, my beliefs, and who I feel I am. I have to really look at myself. What am I willing to change? What can I give to this community? What are my core values, that I will stand strong on? There are a lot of questions.

Sometimes it's great to call someone back home and know that you are going to have a real conversation. That you are going to to feel real. I felt like Kevin Daniel Pelletier tonight. And not anyone of the 6 billion+ people in this world. I felt alive. Chris and I talked about how we both believe down the road we will start our own non-profit. It'd be pretty cool, and there is a great possibility that it could happen. Time will tell.

Starting to try to figure out what life will be like after this internship. Stay in FL, move back to MA, become a hobo? The options are endless. It's exciting, but also extremely scary. I can say I'm living the life I want though. I'm choosing to do the things I want to. Can you say the same? I don't ask that to put you down, I ask that as a challenge.

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It's Sunday morning

I'm feeling alive right now. I'm feeling things. Really feeling things. I have a couple of hours to relax until work. I'm going to go sit outside and read a book before work. I'm thankful for today. I'm thankful for so much. I'm glad that I'm waking up and remembering all of the great stuff in my life. Life is good. Life is fucking good. It's not perfect. But it's good. I love these moments.
Walking on the boardwalk down by the river the other night, I took my hoodie off, spread my arms, looked up, closed my eyes and smiled. I walked forward, and the wind crashed into me. I love little moments like this. Ones that we get lost in.

Here's to hoping that you have a moment you get lost in today... : )

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Parents

I don't talk about my parents a lot. I'm lucky. I'm soooo damn lucky, and I don't think I fully appreciate that. I was raised very well by two loving people. By two parents that have stayed together. That have been supportive, and cared through it all. They aren't perfect, but they fucking try.

I got to go up to MA this past weekend. I surprised my parents for their birthday (yes, they have the same birthday). I walked through the door and my Mom started crying. They were both very glad to see me. My brother came up. We got to all go out to dinner, his girlfriend, a couple of my friends, and my grandparents. We were together and we were a family. It was a wonderful night. The best part about it, no one was fake. We didn't have to laugh too loud and keep telling jokes so it wouldn't get awkward. We just laughed because we laughed. We talked.

I got to go see a lot of friends this weekend, which I'm so thankful for. I spent some more time with my parents Sunday night, having a home-cooked dinner. We talked a bit, I told them about things that have been going on, I herd some things that have been new with them. Monday they took me to the airport. They came in with me, and we ended up sitting down at a restaurant there, grabbing some food before I left. We talked a bit, but there were also moments of silence. My flight got delayed, so we stayed there later.

I wanted to speak in these moments of silence. I've had a tough time with some things with my parents over the years. There have been times that I've doubted them, and that I've pushed them away. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to tell them that they did good raising me. That I was so thankful for them and that I loved them. That I know I made it hard sometimes, but I'm glad they never gave up. That I couldn't be the person I am today without their support. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. My flight got delayed a second time..... and then a third.... I felt like God was giving me more chances. But I just let them go by.

I walked to the gate, I went to say bye and tears were flowing down both of their cheeks. "It never gets easier saying bye to you Kev" my dad said. I hugged him and told him I loved him. Then I hugged my mom and told her I loved her. I told them we would skype this weekend. Tears were starting to form in my eyes, just like they are right now. I said bye and walked towards security. I turned back and waved. I realized that my parents are growing older. That they will be retired in a few years, and then, who knows. I realized that I probably won't ever live with them again. That moments like this were going to become very golden. That I can only pray I get more chances like this one. Cause I fucked this one up. Or maybe I just wasn't ready. I don't know. But I love them. And I'm so thankful.

We all have someone that we love and that is in our lives. Go find that person right now and hug them.

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