City and Colour

I'm listening to this band right now. I've heard a song here and there, but this is the first time. I'm hearing songs for the first time right now. Those golden moments. When the music is just music, and you can relax to it. You can smile when you hear a certain line, or a chord change. Because it's new. You've never heard it before. I'm smiling right now.

Today was difficult. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. I didn't want to go into the office. I didn't want to be around people. Living down here is fucking hard. Last night I thought about going home. Today, I forced myself out of bed. I went into the office and I sat and had a difficult conversation. I made myself very vulnerable. I was honest. "I feel like there might be other places where I'd be happier"... "I don't feel needed here sometimes. This is difficult for me. I'm worried about where this is going, and if it'll get any better." I was asked the question "What are you going to get out of this?" (wording could be off). I don't know why exactly I'm down here. I know part of it was to run away from stuff. I know part of it is because I hope it'll lead to a job. But there are other reasons and expectations that I had that I know aren't fair.

So I have to try to forget the unfair expectations. I have to try to find the real reasons I'm here right now. I realized that a lot of my frustrations come from insecurities. I'm not just saying that, I'm owning it and admitting it. I'm a people person. It's hard for be to have down time, because then I'm not with people. But there's also a deeper reason... because if I'm alone, I have to start to look at myself. I guess I'm running away from something. What is that? I've got to dig. Really dig. Right now I have an amazing opportunity in which I have time, support, and peace to do this. This is golden. So I'm going to try to take it. I want to be secure. If I'm going to follow these big plans I have laying ahead, I'm going to need to be okay. This is step one for all of that.

Here's to new things...
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