Today I went out, bought, and started reading "Through Painted Deserts" by Donald Miller. I'm not very far into it, but I'm already very excited. Reading this makes me want to go out and explore even more so. And I am saying that in a healthier way now. I was running away from something for a little while, but I have come to terms with it. But back to traveling. I had a trip down to Florida with friends, twice. But to me I was there more for the destination than the journey, and I regret that. Makes sense, seeing I was living for the future instead of in the present at that time. I want to drive out west, with a friend, maybe two. I want to have no particular destination, no deadlines or plans. I want to feel that free. I want to experience, learn, and grow from that.
I wish I didn't fear money so much. Maybe I'll learn not to.
"When our dreams gave way to plans, other friends faded back into thoughts of responsibility and comfort." I'm looking for the people who won't fade.
It doesn't have to be a road trip, but I want to be surrounded by people going after their dreams. There are inspirational stories everywhere. Journeys that seemed impossible were challenged, and it turned out they weren't impossible at all. We have landed on the freakin Moon for God's sake!!!! I want to find my dreams in life and really go after them. Personally, I think it's very difficult to figure out one's dreams when one is surrounded by so much pressure, stress, negativity, and influence. I think we need to maybe step away from all of that. My dog wanted to be outside today. She came in and kept wanting to go back out. She wanted to be experiencing nature, and feel free. I can relate to that so much. Part of me wanted to kick down the fence and run wild with her. Maybe I should've.
But I think that these years of our lives, the years after high school, should be more focused on traveling, exploring, and experiencing than college, money, and jobs. We have a life time full of the other stuff. Most of us don't have things tying us down right now, things like a full time job, a serious relationship, a family of our own, etc. WE ARE FREE!!!! We should take advantage of that. And please please please understand that when I say these things, I don't mean getting wasted in Vegas. I'm talking about kayaking down the Grand Canyon, watching the sun rise on the east coast and set on the west in the same season, looking up at stars at night from a mountain and then a desert, learning the difference of the two, having the only noises around you be that of nature, meeting people and getting to really know them by learning how their culture, views, dreams, fears, questions, and desires are both similar and different in comparison to our own. I'm talking about hiking a mountain and screaming from the top of it. About learning how the word beautiful has different meanings in Texas, Louisiana, Colorado, Oregon, and California. I'm talking about feeling alive.
Listening to the Goo Goo Dolls.
Going back to reading now.
Go explore tomorrow.
Nothing would make me happier than if someone showed up at my doorstep and told me "Let's go" and we started off on a journey with no expectations besides feeling free. I think I'd jump in the car and go, but I wouldn't mind being challenged and finding out.
Live now.
<3
Monday, October 31, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Monday was probably the best day of my week... TAKE THAT REBECCA BLACK!
Monday I was lucky enough to go up to Lowell for the day and spend time with some of my awesome friends. I was also given the opportunity to teach QPR to my old UChapter. The entire day itself was awesome. I am thankful for lunch, for sitting outside on a slightly chilly fall day with a nice cup of coffee in downtown Lowell, and of course the evening. Being able to run a meeting again made me remember how much I love doing so. It's amazing how much I learned that night and was reminded of things. I mean, the QPR itself was pretty good. I did okay for my first time, and know some things I need to work on.
But I learn a lot about myself. I remember what it felt like to be a little vulnerable. I remembered what it was like to feel humble, and maybe also a little helpless. I remembered that these are good things. My desire comes from others. From being in a room with people, and also from experiencing things that I know I can't do much to help change. See, this makes me want to do even more. It makes me remember that it's okay to not be okay. The only reason that that UChapter was as well as it was when I was there was because I could look myself in the mirror and admit that I was broken. I have a gift where my heart can be both broken yet still have a huge desire to share love (maybe we all do, but I've found it in me). And it's an amazing thing for that. It felt good to feel valued, and also remember that it's okay to feel not okay. I'm so thankful for the family that I have in Lowell, and I'm really looking forward to being back up there this spring. Lots of hugs, conversations over cups of coffee, and learning will happen.
I'm going to make a difference in this world. Damn it, I'm going to. I will find what the best way I can is, and I will go after it. I believe in me.
I believe in others.
I feel alive this time of year. I drove home screaming lyrics to 30 Seconds to Mars with the window down. Almost exactly this time last year, I had that cd blasting as I sat on the side of the road on route 24 feeling hopeless as all hell. I'm learning what has and hasn't changed about me:
Those moments were special, because I want things that I can believe in, and I believed in Love and hope and walking through life with a beautiful struggling woman at the time. I felt things to such an extreme.
I still have the same desire of love, even towards her. The difference is I don't think it's enough for her. That's something that is on me. Because like I said in my last post, I'm learning that I have a lot to learn when it comes to love. And people just have differences...
I wish bad on no one.
"Everyday I try to make myself a little less shitty of a person."
That's all we can do in this life.
Now I'm going to read about love, talk to some friends, and be content with this beautiful night.
It's hard to explain that something doesn't weigh you down anymore, without sounding like you don't care. Ever think about that?
I still care. I do.
<3
But I learn a lot about myself. I remember what it felt like to be a little vulnerable. I remembered what it was like to feel humble, and maybe also a little helpless. I remembered that these are good things. My desire comes from others. From being in a room with people, and also from experiencing things that I know I can't do much to help change. See, this makes me want to do even more. It makes me remember that it's okay to not be okay. The only reason that that UChapter was as well as it was when I was there was because I could look myself in the mirror and admit that I was broken. I have a gift where my heart can be both broken yet still have a huge desire to share love (maybe we all do, but I've found it in me). And it's an amazing thing for that. It felt good to feel valued, and also remember that it's okay to feel not okay. I'm so thankful for the family that I have in Lowell, and I'm really looking forward to being back up there this spring. Lots of hugs, conversations over cups of coffee, and learning will happen.
I'm going to make a difference in this world. Damn it, I'm going to. I will find what the best way I can is, and I will go after it. I believe in me.
I believe in others.
I feel alive this time of year. I drove home screaming lyrics to 30 Seconds to Mars with the window down. Almost exactly this time last year, I had that cd blasting as I sat on the side of the road on route 24 feeling hopeless as all hell. I'm learning what has and hasn't changed about me:
Those moments were special, because I want things that I can believe in, and I believed in Love and hope and walking through life with a beautiful struggling woman at the time. I felt things to such an extreme.
I still have the same desire of love, even towards her. The difference is I don't think it's enough for her. That's something that is on me. Because like I said in my last post, I'm learning that I have a lot to learn when it comes to love. And people just have differences...
I wish bad on no one.
"Everyday I try to make myself a little less shitty of a person."
That's all we can do in this life.
Now I'm going to read about love, talk to some friends, and be content with this beautiful night.
It's hard to explain that something doesn't weigh you down anymore, without sounding like you don't care. Ever think about that?
I still care. I do.
<3
Sunday, October 23, 2011
This could possibly be the most mature thing I've ever said in my life
I'm not ready to fall in love right now. I don't know and understand enough about love nor myself to experience it the way it's meant to be experienced. I'm still learning, and I'm okay with that. Right now, it's good for me to be single.
<3
<3
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Inspired
Imagine if something happened that, even if just for one moment, every person on the planet felt together. How sweet that would be?
We all like to feel like a part of something. Sometimes we will go through drastic measures just so we can. And why is it that seems like it's easier to relate through negative things? Think about the amount of conversations that are started because people are stuck in a crappy situation, and they are relating through complaining. Example, some one is on a bus and it breaks down. Say it's a 30 minute bus ride. They would probably sit there and not talk to anyone throughout the trip. But if the bus breaks down, then they start complaining and sharing the things they have to do, and how this is going to mess up their day....
What does it take for us to just start having a conversation on an actual freakin bus ride? Why can't we just walk in sit down, and say "hi"? I want to learn more about this. About what makes us act the way we do in todays society. And then I want to figure out a way to change it.
We are all awesome. We all have our own talents and we can make a difference in this world. I feel like that's the thing I want to do with my life right now. I want to just tell others that its okay for them to be them, and to walk down their own path. To encourage them to be themselves and do what makes them happy. I think that this is a great thing, and I'm proud of it.
< 3
We all like to feel like a part of something. Sometimes we will go through drastic measures just so we can. And why is it that seems like it's easier to relate through negative things? Think about the amount of conversations that are started because people are stuck in a crappy situation, and they are relating through complaining. Example, some one is on a bus and it breaks down. Say it's a 30 minute bus ride. They would probably sit there and not talk to anyone throughout the trip. But if the bus breaks down, then they start complaining and sharing the things they have to do, and how this is going to mess up their day....
What does it take for us to just start having a conversation on an actual freakin bus ride? Why can't we just walk in sit down, and say "hi"? I want to learn more about this. About what makes us act the way we do in todays society. And then I want to figure out a way to change it.
We are all awesome. We all have our own talents and we can make a difference in this world. I feel like that's the thing I want to do with my life right now. I want to just tell others that its okay for them to be them, and to walk down their own path. To encourage them to be themselves and do what makes them happy. I think that this is a great thing, and I'm proud of it.
< 3
Monday, October 10, 2011
I've changed
I mean, no shit, we all do.
There's a specific way in which I've changed that surprises me.
I first really noticed it on a summer night not too long ago. On a night that I can call one of the worst of my life so far. See, I just didn't care as I had this person I love right in front of me that was showing me their heart. And I just had practically no emotion. I realized that I had gotten to a point in my life where I started to really guard my heart. Where I was scared of getting hurt and therefor didn't reach out as much.
And now I'm more caught up in searching for myself, in figuring who I am, and how I can become a better person. It's almost like these things mean more to me than helping others and trying to make a difference. I don't like that.
I understand that it's important to know, understand, and love myself to a certain extent, but I don't know where that line is. I feel like I could go on the rest of my life being caught up with myself (I know some people do). I don't want that. I want to reach out, offer love to others, and see beauty in it all. I want to do things for others without any expectations. I simply want to give myself. It's hard though. As much as I can complain and sound lost, please notice that I always keep trying. That I'm still here, my heart is still beating, and I'm trying. That's something. That's something that's pretty freakin cool. In some ways, I haven't changed I guess.
Love. It's a word that I want to say more and more and more. I want to attract it to me. I want people to feel the presence of it around me. I want to share it with 7 billion people.
< 3
There's a specific way in which I've changed that surprises me.
I first really noticed it on a summer night not too long ago. On a night that I can call one of the worst of my life so far. See, I just didn't care as I had this person I love right in front of me that was showing me their heart. And I just had practically no emotion. I realized that I had gotten to a point in my life where I started to really guard my heart. Where I was scared of getting hurt and therefor didn't reach out as much.
And now I'm more caught up in searching for myself, in figuring who I am, and how I can become a better person. It's almost like these things mean more to me than helping others and trying to make a difference. I don't like that.
I understand that it's important to know, understand, and love myself to a certain extent, but I don't know where that line is. I feel like I could go on the rest of my life being caught up with myself (I know some people do). I don't want that. I want to reach out, offer love to others, and see beauty in it all. I want to do things for others without any expectations. I simply want to give myself. It's hard though. As much as I can complain and sound lost, please notice that I always keep trying. That I'm still here, my heart is still beating, and I'm trying. That's something. That's something that's pretty freakin cool. In some ways, I haven't changed I guess.
Love. It's a word that I want to say more and more and more. I want to attract it to me. I want people to feel the presence of it around me. I want to share it with 7 billion people.
< 3
New places.
This morning I was driving home on 495, a road I don't take too much. It felt good to be on a new road. I saw a sign for the Mass Pike, the sign read Albany, NY. I thought about getting on. About just starting to drive out west. Having nothing but the shirt on my back, and my truck. Having no destination in particular. How fun it would be to call friends I haven't seen in months or years and be like "Hey, I'm in your state, can I come crash on your couch tonight? Let's catch up. Show me what's fun around here and what you love about this place!" To just continue to drive. To be free. Stop where ever I want. Sleep in my truck in the middle of a field in Ohio. Walk around Chicago and get lost in the beauty of the architecture. So to the Grand Canyon and kayak down part of it just to pay tribute to Christopher McCandless. Go out to Cali, get on a board and just surf. This world is so huge. I want to see all of it. I want to ride up the Eiffel Tower, walk on the Great Wall of China, visit my friend in Australia, and go to Africa and learn from some of the most inspirational people in the world.
But see, I'm sitting here instead, in my bed tonight. I guess there's a combination of two things that kept me from heading West. Fear and a lack of money. Fear i could get over. Money is what worries me. I don't want to be in debt at the age of 21. But then again, I did say I wanted to pay tribute to Mr. McCandless, so maybe I should forget about money. See, I'm just sitting here trying to figure out my life. And I think about how a lot of people don't have as much freedom as I do. Yet I still feel trapped, almost like a slave in some sense.
I'm trying to find myself.
But I think I've already found me.
See, I'm so confused, I'm confused if I'm confused or not.
And if that confuses you, then that's okay.
Because I wrote it and it confuses me.
I'm lost. I've gotten caught up in the things an American man is supposed to.
I want to find a hot girl to have sex with, because I'm foolish enough to think it'll make me happy.
After a tough day, I want to have a drink, because it'll make my problems go away.
I miss the old days. The one's before "Let's grab a beer" and when sex still made me feel uncomfortable.
I don't want to get lost in things that don't matter. I don't want to create my own problems and control my future in the fact that I fuck up the present so I can eliminate a lot of future possibilities because if I don't there will be so many that it scares the crap out of me! Because, then I don't know what I'm gona do. Then I'll have options. And options can be scary.
But I want to be scared. I want to worry so much that I can't stop shaking, because I want to be that free. I want to learn more and more about myself and others. I want to touch as many hearts as I can. I still sit home and think about people in my life. Especially people that I haven't stayed in touch with. I still want to get on a plane and go to Texas, find that girl that wrote to me when I was interning and give her a hug and grab coffee. Hell, maybe grab coffee for a week straight if that'd help her. I still want to go knock down doors that are close to my home right now so I can look at the people behind them in the eye and just let them know that they mean something to me. I want to love so hard that it either hurts like hell or makes me feel like the happiest person in the world. And I know that can change day to day, and I'm learning to be okay with that.
I'm trying to push the meaningless sex, the alcohol, the wasting money and time behind me. I'm trying to look myself in the mirror and be able to say "I love you." I want to figure out what I'm going to do for my future. Do I want to go back to school in the Spring, leave and not have a plan, try to start my own non-profit, or something I haven't even thought of yet. Because figuring out that I have the freedom to do infinite things tomorrow and trying to decided what it is I'm going to do that will make me happy and feel the most like myself; that makes me more of a man than the night I lost my virginity, got drunk, got my license, or the day that I'll graduate from college.
I wish I could walk through this whole process closer to others. But maybe it's not met to happen that way. Good things are born out of struggles. This I know.
My best friend said to me last week, "I feel like one day you're just going to leave, and I'm not going to hear from you until a month later when I get a letter from you and you're in another continent."
You know what, I kind of hope he's right.
I don't ever want to settle.
I don't ever want to let anything or anyone else control my life.
Not even money.
I don't know how I can do that right now, but I'd like to try.
I wish at the end of high school, someone stopped me, looked me in the eye and said, "You know Kevin, you don't have to go straight to college. There's a whole world out there waiting with more possibilities than you could dream of. It's okay to go explore a little."
Hey there,
If you're reading this, know that it's okay to explore a little and take you're own path. Know that I believe in you in whatever you choose to do.
Love,
<3
But see, I'm sitting here instead, in my bed tonight. I guess there's a combination of two things that kept me from heading West. Fear and a lack of money. Fear i could get over. Money is what worries me. I don't want to be in debt at the age of 21. But then again, I did say I wanted to pay tribute to Mr. McCandless, so maybe I should forget about money. See, I'm just sitting here trying to figure out my life. And I think about how a lot of people don't have as much freedom as I do. Yet I still feel trapped, almost like a slave in some sense.
I'm trying to find myself.
But I think I've already found me.
See, I'm so confused, I'm confused if I'm confused or not.
And if that confuses you, then that's okay.
Because I wrote it and it confuses me.
I'm lost. I've gotten caught up in the things an American man is supposed to.
I want to find a hot girl to have sex with, because I'm foolish enough to think it'll make me happy.
After a tough day, I want to have a drink, because it'll make my problems go away.
I miss the old days. The one's before "Let's grab a beer" and when sex still made me feel uncomfortable.
I don't want to get lost in things that don't matter. I don't want to create my own problems and control my future in the fact that I fuck up the present so I can eliminate a lot of future possibilities because if I don't there will be so many that it scares the crap out of me! Because, then I don't know what I'm gona do. Then I'll have options. And options can be scary.
But I want to be scared. I want to worry so much that I can't stop shaking, because I want to be that free. I want to learn more and more about myself and others. I want to touch as many hearts as I can. I still sit home and think about people in my life. Especially people that I haven't stayed in touch with. I still want to get on a plane and go to Texas, find that girl that wrote to me when I was interning and give her a hug and grab coffee. Hell, maybe grab coffee for a week straight if that'd help her. I still want to go knock down doors that are close to my home right now so I can look at the people behind them in the eye and just let them know that they mean something to me. I want to love so hard that it either hurts like hell or makes me feel like the happiest person in the world. And I know that can change day to day, and I'm learning to be okay with that.
I'm trying to push the meaningless sex, the alcohol, the wasting money and time behind me. I'm trying to look myself in the mirror and be able to say "I love you." I want to figure out what I'm going to do for my future. Do I want to go back to school in the Spring, leave and not have a plan, try to start my own non-profit, or something I haven't even thought of yet. Because figuring out that I have the freedom to do infinite things tomorrow and trying to decided what it is I'm going to do that will make me happy and feel the most like myself; that makes me more of a man than the night I lost my virginity, got drunk, got my license, or the day that I'll graduate from college.
I wish I could walk through this whole process closer to others. But maybe it's not met to happen that way. Good things are born out of struggles. This I know.
My best friend said to me last week, "I feel like one day you're just going to leave, and I'm not going to hear from you until a month later when I get a letter from you and you're in another continent."
You know what, I kind of hope he's right.
I don't ever want to settle.
I don't ever want to let anything or anyone else control my life.
Not even money.
I don't know how I can do that right now, but I'd like to try.
I wish at the end of high school, someone stopped me, looked me in the eye and said, "You know Kevin, you don't have to go straight to college. There's a whole world out there waiting with more possibilities than you could dream of. It's okay to go explore a little."
Hey there,
If you're reading this, know that it's okay to explore a little and take you're own path. Know that I believe in you in whatever you choose to do.
Love,
<3
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Love doesn't have expectations
Those days that I send out texts in the morning to my friends, saying positive things and wishing them good things in the day ahead; and then putting my phone back in my pocket because I didn't need a response. That's an example of love. I know I have it in me. I'm trying to build it up and make my heart stronger. I want to spread and share love as much as I can.
< 3
< 3
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