A few thoughts

My brain will never feel as full as my stomach did today. This I am sure of.

I've been thinking a lot the past few days. I got wrapped up in the end of the book I was reading, and loved it. Reading > tv or xbox.

In the book Donald Miller tells the story of how he goes on what he kind of calls a pilgrimage. He is looking for answers to questions, to the "why" questions, and looking to learn so much about life. He does many amazing things on this trip, including hiking the grand canyon, playing a made up golf game a midnight with friends, climbing into caves, and watching the sun rise and set. His answers to these questions seem to be in all of these activities. See, he gets so caught up in the beauty and happiness of it all that he stops asking the questions. I'm inspired by this, but it also holds true a saying I've heard: "Every answer just leads to more questions." And I mean, that is a good thing, please don't get me wrong. Now I'm sitting here wondering if life is meant to be spent discovering this beauty as much we possibly can, or to just remember that it's there, and to go experience it when we need to. The answer is somewhere in the middle. I guess I need to just learn where that is. Because I believe that watching the sunrise is more beautiful than the body of some girl that you're just hooking up with.

I also have came to a very interesting realization about drinking as we get older. I have done a good amount of drinking this past month, actually it goes back a little further than that. I think we all get to this stage in life at some point. Maybe it's not drinking but something different for other people, but follow me on this for a minute. I have learned this to be true at least for me. I spend the majority of my average day doing things that I don't like, such as school or work. I don't like these things because see, I'm always trying to figure out more about who I am, and what makes me unique as a person. I want to understand both my flaws and my strengths. Spending my time at a job or in a classroom that doesn't allow me to be my own person, or interact with people in the way I would like to challenges this. I think that this happens to us so much that we start to forget who we really are. For me, drinking is what I have used lately to help me bring back my original self. I mean, drinking just allows you to be more honest, and more of yourself; and that's what I want to get out of it. That's what I have been getting out of it in a way, and that's why I've continued it.

I got my credit card bill in yesterday, and realized that I have spent far too much money on alcohol. I need to really cut back on my spending. I have always known in the back of my head that drinking so much probably isn't the best thing, but now I finally have a reason that I need to calm down with it; and this is making me face it. Please don't get me wrong, I haven't been going out every night getting drunk, I just choose to have a few beers every few days and when I'm out with friends. So I'm trying to cut back on all of that. I know that it would help if I understood why I was drinking so much, and this is what got me to thinking so much about all of this.

So, I now have about a month left at home before I go back to school. As much as it can be hard to find things to do, and people to hang out with, I'm going to try to do more of the things I have been the past couple of days. I have been reading a lot. I have been having conversations with people, and spending more time with my family. Tonight, I sat in my living room with my parents, brother, and his fiancee. We just talked for awhile. (They talked longer without me. I was downstairs playing xbox, and I've realized that the holidays and family seem to make me want to be a loner a bit. But those are thoughts for another blog, maybe the next one.) It was really freaking nice to just sit there and talk. I enjoyed it and I realized how rare and special a moment like that is. I'm thankful for that more than anything else today. I hope that you are thankful for things in your life. If not, I encourage you to go check out the TWLOHA blog Jamie posted today. Lastly, I hope tomorrow rocks for you. And a little thought: Whatever present you're going to wait in line 4 hours for.... I can bet you that it would mean so much more to the person if you just spent 4 hours with them.

Idea: For a week, at the end of each day, look back on the day and think about it as if it was you're last day alive. Ask yourself what things you'd be glad you did that day, and what things you're mad you wasted time on. I think this is something that could teach a lot.


I have no idea if you still read these. I texted you today. I think I want to hear back because I know if you're willing to talk to me then I know that I'm doing okay. That I've gotten a little better, a little healthier. Because I know that you wouldn't want to talk to me if I haven't changed. Maybe I'll marry you, maybe we'll never talk again. But I know that you were and still are a big part of my life. I know that it's okay to talk about you (without dwelling on things). I'm still learning from you. Where ever you are, what ever you're doing; I hope you can take something good from me. Because even if I never get to give you any of my love again, you have, and will forever inspire me to love others. To give people the benefit of the truth and hope. To hug so hard that we are squeezing the pain out of each other. Love has many different meanings. But I know this, I love you. I have loved others, and I will probably love others in the future. But it's okay to love you. And if you read this and it touches you're heart, but you don't reach out to me, please know that's okay. I'll pray to Buddah that you're doing alright.

Okay, I'm feeling a little lonely tonight, and this now needs to end. But I'm glad I'm choosing this life. I'm proud of the things I write, like this blog, that come from it. We are always learning.

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Midnight Golf

Late at night in the back seat of her car, losing track of time. It is so cold out, and we were freezing before, but not our bodies are pressed together and the layers are coming off. Our tongues are now doing the flirting our words were a week ago. A car is coming closer, and we pause and listen, then watching the headlights move up the street. Once we know they've gone by we continue. Our hands explore each other's bodies, and all signs lead to this going further.
You'd think we were a couple of teenagers, not people in their early and mid 20s.
I can't help but say I'm bored with it. Feeling the closeness and the heat of someone else's body than is rubbing against your own is a nice feeling, but it really doesn't mean shit if you're hearts not involved. The worst sex I've ever had was with a girl who was quite possibly the most attractive. To be honest, I just didn't get a shit about her as a person, I didn't know her at all, so it was hard to enjoy it. It was hard to enjoy because I was lonely and I knew it. Because I was trying to fill that void with the hopelessness of a "hook up".
I'm learning this isn't what I want. Its frustrating to live in a society that is filled with sex appeal, nudity, and seduction. By itself, it all leads to nowhere good. I don't want to have a girlfriend right now. I don't want a fuck buddy, or friends with benefits, or anything like that. I want to continue to be on my own and try to learn more about life.
I want to learn to be more creative in new ways. In the amazing book I'm reading (Through the Painted Desert), the guys have just stopped to visit a friend in a small town in Cali. They ask the friend what there is to do for fun around there. The friend ends up sneaking them into a golf course, and they running around the place hitting balls in the dark aiming for each other. Yes it's a little dangerous, and not totally legal, but it's a hell of a lot more fun than going to see a movie, or playing video games, or sitting on your computer, or getting drunk. I remember the times in high school I would hang out with people and we would always end up doing crazy random shit. Yes, it was stupid and reckless sometimes, but it was OURS. We had our own creativity and we were putting it to work. I want to find my own way to use that creativity in my life now. I want to find my version of midnight golf; and do it every night until I'm bored of it. And then I want to find the next thing like it. Because doing things like that, they just allow you to feel alive and free in a way that is special.

What's your Midnight Golf?
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Knowing what I want is a start.

i just want to feel like im a part of something that is allowing others to feel like they're a part of something, and i want it to be for a good cause

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Broken, just like always.... and that's okay.

I lay here having pushed yet another of countless people out of my life yesterday. Money is extremely tight right now, and I'm trying so hard to not let it worry me. I have so many questions, and sometimes I can feel so lost and alone; but I'm learning over and over again how that's not the case.
It doesn't matter what point you are at in your life. If you are struggling with something, then you aren't alone. If you have dreams and desires that you want to talk more about, then you should. You CAN find people that will relate to you. I'm learning that I have an amazing gift, and that I have something special which was given to me. I'm meant to help people. The fact that I've fucked up and walk around with my own baggage doesn't change that. It seems like this world is starting to fall into a downward spiral. I'm getting stronger everyday. When the opportunity comes, I want to be able to hold up my share.

Hey Kevin,
It's okay to feel lonely sometimes. It's okay to spend a weekend night sitting home alone chilling with your parents or doing nothing at all. It's okay if you're 21 and don't drink. It's okay believe in yourself.

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My head won't let me go to sleep

I don't feel accomplished out of this day, and I think that's why I stay up so late soooo many nights. I think that's why a lot of us do. I hope that for me this starts to change soon.

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"Wouldn't it be nice if the whole winter was like this?"

Sitting by the ocean never gets old. Today was absolutely beautiful. And as I drove my motorcycle out to Newport, RI I was trying to get in touch with nature. I was trying to ignore all the billboards and stores, and focus on the natural beauty. I appreciated driving over the Mt. Hope Bridge for the sake that it allowed me to see the landscape from a different perspective. I didn't really find my appreciation until I was on the ocean drive in Newport. I stopped at the park (can't remember the name even though I've been there a hundred times), and got off my bike. By myself, I climb out to the edge of the rocks that stick out into the ocean, and I just sat there. I watched the waves come in, some of them crashing further out at sea and not even making it near me. I studied the beauty of that point where the water meets the horizon. There is something peaceful about that. Something that allows this to clear my mind in a sense that nothing and nobody can in any way similar. I just sat there and felt content with life. In that moment, there were no problems. There was no future and no past, just the present. The slight breeze hitting my face, the sound of the waves crashing all around me, and the smell of low tide. I felt happy. I felt in touch with nature in a sense that I think is far too rare in today's society. I want to do this more often. I want to get lost in nature, and find myself through it. I want to be content with life and not has worries or desires pertaining to money, a job, a place to live, or any material items. I just want to be okay with being who I am, knowing that I can survive on my own, and trying to share my love with others as much as possible. The ocean is beautiful.

There are questions that we ask because of others, and then there are questions that have been here since the beginning of time. I'm trying to focus on the latter.

Here's to hoping tomorrow I get to share a hug with someone.
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To the waitress from IHOP tonight,

You are beautiful. I hope that makes you smile, because you seemed stressed tonight. I mean, they left you with a section that had only empty ketchup bottles, so I can understand. But I want you to smile, because I feel like it can only make you more beautiful. You are wearing this generic, uniform but have still found a way to present yourself as unique. You show off your own style, and that's attractive; something that doesn't happen enough in this day and age. I don't know your story, or anything about you for that matter, but I find myself sitting here wanting to. I want to buy you a cup of coffee and just talk with you. Better yet, I just want to listen first, because I feel like you have amazing thoughts, ideas, dreams, fears, and questions that you don't get to share with the world enough. And damn it, you're special, and I feel like you maybe haven't heard that enough. I want to learn who you are, so I can hug you and it can have a special meaning, so I can look into your beautiful eyes and whisper "I believe in you" right before I get lost in them. I want you to know that my night is better because I got to meet you. I hope 4 am comes fast, so you can go home and get some rest. I hope that you can fall asleep to peaceful thoughts that will lead you to a kind dream; and I hope that dream doesn't stop when you wake up.

P.S. Thanks for the pancakes. : )

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