A few thoughts

My brain will never feel as full as my stomach did today. This I am sure of.

I've been thinking a lot the past few days. I got wrapped up in the end of the book I was reading, and loved it. Reading > tv or xbox.

In the book Donald Miller tells the story of how he goes on what he kind of calls a pilgrimage. He is looking for answers to questions, to the "why" questions, and looking to learn so much about life. He does many amazing things on this trip, including hiking the grand canyon, playing a made up golf game a midnight with friends, climbing into caves, and watching the sun rise and set. His answers to these questions seem to be in all of these activities. See, he gets so caught up in the beauty and happiness of it all that he stops asking the questions. I'm inspired by this, but it also holds true a saying I've heard: "Every answer just leads to more questions." And I mean, that is a good thing, please don't get me wrong. Now I'm sitting here wondering if life is meant to be spent discovering this beauty as much we possibly can, or to just remember that it's there, and to go experience it when we need to. The answer is somewhere in the middle. I guess I need to just learn where that is. Because I believe that watching the sunrise is more beautiful than the body of some girl that you're just hooking up with.

I also have came to a very interesting realization about drinking as we get older. I have done a good amount of drinking this past month, actually it goes back a little further than that. I think we all get to this stage in life at some point. Maybe it's not drinking but something different for other people, but follow me on this for a minute. I have learned this to be true at least for me. I spend the majority of my average day doing things that I don't like, such as school or work. I don't like these things because see, I'm always trying to figure out more about who I am, and what makes me unique as a person. I want to understand both my flaws and my strengths. Spending my time at a job or in a classroom that doesn't allow me to be my own person, or interact with people in the way I would like to challenges this. I think that this happens to us so much that we start to forget who we really are. For me, drinking is what I have used lately to help me bring back my original self. I mean, drinking just allows you to be more honest, and more of yourself; and that's what I want to get out of it. That's what I have been getting out of it in a way, and that's why I've continued it.

I got my credit card bill in yesterday, and realized that I have spent far too much money on alcohol. I need to really cut back on my spending. I have always known in the back of my head that drinking so much probably isn't the best thing, but now I finally have a reason that I need to calm down with it; and this is making me face it. Please don't get me wrong, I haven't been going out every night getting drunk, I just choose to have a few beers every few days and when I'm out with friends. So I'm trying to cut back on all of that. I know that it would help if I understood why I was drinking so much, and this is what got me to thinking so much about all of this.

So, I now have about a month left at home before I go back to school. As much as it can be hard to find things to do, and people to hang out with, I'm going to try to do more of the things I have been the past couple of days. I have been reading a lot. I have been having conversations with people, and spending more time with my family. Tonight, I sat in my living room with my parents, brother, and his fiancee. We just talked for awhile. (They talked longer without me. I was downstairs playing xbox, and I've realized that the holidays and family seem to make me want to be a loner a bit. But those are thoughts for another blog, maybe the next one.) It was really freaking nice to just sit there and talk. I enjoyed it and I realized how rare and special a moment like that is. I'm thankful for that more than anything else today. I hope that you are thankful for things in your life. If not, I encourage you to go check out the TWLOHA blog Jamie posted today. Lastly, I hope tomorrow rocks for you. And a little thought: Whatever present you're going to wait in line 4 hours for.... I can bet you that it would mean so much more to the person if you just spent 4 hours with them.

Idea: For a week, at the end of each day, look back on the day and think about it as if it was you're last day alive. Ask yourself what things you'd be glad you did that day, and what things you're mad you wasted time on. I think this is something that could teach a lot.


I have no idea if you still read these. I texted you today. I think I want to hear back because I know if you're willing to talk to me then I know that I'm doing okay. That I've gotten a little better, a little healthier. Because I know that you wouldn't want to talk to me if I haven't changed. Maybe I'll marry you, maybe we'll never talk again. But I know that you were and still are a big part of my life. I know that it's okay to talk about you (without dwelling on things). I'm still learning from you. Where ever you are, what ever you're doing; I hope you can take something good from me. Because even if I never get to give you any of my love again, you have, and will forever inspire me to love others. To give people the benefit of the truth and hope. To hug so hard that we are squeezing the pain out of each other. Love has many different meanings. But I know this, I love you. I have loved others, and I will probably love others in the future. But it's okay to love you. And if you read this and it touches you're heart, but you don't reach out to me, please know that's okay. I'll pray to Buddah that you're doing alright.

Okay, I'm feeling a little lonely tonight, and this now needs to end. But I'm glad I'm choosing this life. I'm proud of the things I write, like this blog, that come from it. We are always learning.

< 3