It's been too long

Let me write about all the negative stuff. Because whenever we are doubting, it seems that all that is true is the negative things. Or at least, they are a hell of a lot easier to believe. I'm setting myself up for either an upset or a huge surprise. I'm acting like I won't get the job. This is why I'm not shaving, being a bum, wasting hours and days worth of time doing pointless things. I know I can be a better human being. But I'm not.

I liked moments like tonight, were I can go out to dinner with my best friend. Someone who has known me for the past 4 years. And we both feel we'll be doing the same things we do now in another 4 years, if not 40. Providing of course, we don't die. I
I need to stop being a fucking coward. For the answer to why the world is the way it is, I need look no further than the mirror. I've spent about 2 years talking about how I want to go to Africa. Haven't. I stayed here. I've been society's bitch. I've realized that at least lately I need to try to practice a lot of what I preach. Because I'm not.

I'm sorry, but I think I've tried to play superman one too many times. My hope has been lost with a girl that still holds onto a pole every night to make a living, with a girl who was so addicted to running away from the pain of the truth that she would sell her body for it, with the friends that I hurt and pushed away because I was too focused on those who didn't have a friend. See, I feel like it's easier to talk about these things and say I'm not okay now. Because I don't have all these people looking up to me, or seeking hope and inspiration from me. I don't have an organization that I'm working for that I have to worry about how they'll react. I can easily say that right now, I'm not happy. And maybe once I get a job that'll change. Or maybe it'll cover it up just enough to allow me to get by. I feel like if I could sit down and have a talk with myself, I'd get myself to go back to counseling. I'd find someone good, and good talk to them.

I want to stop being a fucking coward. I want to take another break from school after this semester. I want to go to Africa, and to start my own non-profit. I want just one person, just one out of 7 billion, to look me in the eyes, to tell me this is okay, and that they believe in me and will support me. 1 out of 7,000,000,000. 1. 2 wouldn't be bad either.

Love isn't saving someone. Love isn't showing a person that you will risk it all because you care. Love isn't helping someone so much that you start to move backwards instead of forward.
‎"Choosing to marry is choosing to live a dual life, to bring two different lives into union and we don't do that unless the tie that unites them, the life in common, is holier and higher than the work of either apart." -Ella Lyman Cabot.
I want that.

I can't say that I'll like everyone all the time. But I need to always remember to try to never hurt anyone. Just that one simple thing.

"Come closer. Come into this". The same stuff still works. I hope today, after 4-5 hours of sleep, I get to have a good day. I hope you know that you are beautiful. I want to know less names of college professors, and more names of people that are truly happy. Imagine that, driving across America searching for people that are happy. Imagine what we could find. What a learning experience that would be. I need to dream bigger, and have more hope. I need to look in the mirror every morning and say "I love you, and I believe in you." I can start with this.

Come with me. Let's go see the world. And then shake it again.
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