Waiting for the car crash on the ride home once again : )

It was a great day.
Trying to take things slow. Trying.
She said a certain song makes her think of me. I didn't want to tell her, but the same song always makes me think of her.
I'm learning. I'm LIVING LIFE.

It's great.
There are a lot of broken people in this world. I'm reminded of that everyday. I hope I can be there for everyone that needs me.
I really do.

< 3

I seem to only remember to do this during bad times

Talked to God on the car ride back to Lowell today.

I hope I start to remember to do that more.
Trying to have fun in life a little more.

Today just became okay. : )

< 3

2am is lonely

Listening to Caspian. I need to get away. For the past week I've just been wanting to get in my car and go for a drive at night. I haven't been okay since I found out. She's doing better. But I'm not. Maybe that's selfish, maybe its not. It's hard to focus on this. To talk about it. My favorite part of the day is talking to her mom. Even if it's just for two minutes. Because it's talking about it with someone that GETS IT! Someone that I know is as worried and cares. Even more so than me.
I'm scared I'm in love.
I'm scared it's going to hurt.
The only reason I haven't run away is because I have a plan in case things go bad. I can go intern for TWLOHA. Get away from everything. That's my big secret plan. Happy you know it?
I'm a fucking coward. No. No I'm not. I'd just go and delete that, but we can do that with life. We are never perfect. There's no back space or spell check. People forget that. People don't suck, though sometimes they can choose to.
Even now, I'm running away from the topic. From the thoughts of her. I want to go live in a house with other people that love me and work on forming a community. Sadly, and extremely pathetic, that place is not the house I grew up in and the people aren't my family. Fuck! I'm not staying on track. I mean, then again, do I have to? This happening was probably just the icing on the cake. I've known for a long time I have a shit load of emotions bottled up inside. But I'm okay with that. If you know me, you know how passionate I can be. Where do you think that comes from?
This past year has been pretty great.
I love her, but I'm scared.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
I don't know if we are meant for each other. I don't know if I can stand waiting. I don't know if I'm strong enough for her. I don't know if when she says certain things they are coming from the chemicals in her brain, or something bigger in her heart. And that's what scares me the most.

"I cannot live, I can not breath unless you do this with me"
Life's waiting to begin.
I'm trying to figure out where we fit in each others. : /

< 3

"If LOVE's a word that you say, then say it I will listen"

Yesterday was amazing. Especially after all of last week. I'm in an AVA mood SO much lately.


Here we go, life's waiting to begin.

< 3

My favorite moment last Wednesday

I think I'm going to start writing more now. I went through a time when I was too busy, and I spent my time sharing thoughts with others instead of ever writing them. Maybe this means I'm getting a little lonely again. Maybe I shouldn't think to deeply into it. I wanted to share one more of the very many great memories from the Main Event last Wed. This was my favorite. We don't get to always choose endings, or meet up with people again after hearing their stories. But it's amazing when we do. To first understand this, I must take you back to Warped Tour this past summer.

I got to help out at the TWLOHA booth the Boston Date of Warped. My friend Jason got me in, and I was at the booth most of the day helping out. I sold a lot of shirts, answered some basic questions, and was giving the opportunity to listen to a few peoples stories. It really put into place for me how important TWLOHA is, and how many people recognize that. I did go and see a couple of bands that day too. One of them being Chiodos. At some point between the crowd surfing and the pits and all the jumping up and down, I lost my wallet. I went and reported it, and came back to the booth feeling bummed out about it. Almost right away, this girl walks up to me at the table. She looks very concerned, and worried. She starts to tell me about a friend she has, who is standing about 20 feet away from out tent with another one of their friends. This friend has been struggling with cutting and taking pills, and the girl telling this to me says she doesn't know what to do. I freeze. I just immediately freeze and choke on every word that could come up. My brain is still thinking about how much fucking money i might've lost instead of something WAY MORE IMPORTANT, this girls situation. I grab Chris, who is working at the tent, and ask him to talk to this girl. I apologize and say that Chris is a lot better at talking about these things than me. I hated myself for the rest of the day for this situation. How I froze, and how I was more concerned about my wallet and someone asking for help. It had bothered me for so long. I never got over this. I know we aren't perfect, and we all make mistakes, but I was so scared I might've given this girl a bad idea of TWLOHA and the people that work for it.
Last Wednesday, after the event Jamie is meeting people. I walk up, having to tell him something, and this girl in front of him is handing him her phone asking him to talk to her friend for a minute. Jamie takes the phone and starts talking, and I start a conversation with this girl by telling her I think it's awesome she's doing that for her friend. She starts to share with me how her friend and her were at Warped that Past Summer and had a great conversation with Chris about how her friend was struggling with self-injury, "and taking pills" I finish the sentence for her. It hits me this was the same girl. The room froze in that moment for me. I told her I needed to talk to her for a minute. Jamie got off the phone with her friend, she talked to him, and then came to me. I explained to her that I remember her, and she came up to me and I froze (I was rocking a mohawk back then, so I looked at little different). I apologized over and over again to her, and was telling her that I was so glad I got to find her again. She told me her friend hadn't taken a pill or cut since the day before warped tour. (If you don't get why we do this, it's because of golden moments like this.) We talk a little more. I learn about her story a little bit and who she is. I tell her about our UChapter and point out the email where she can always talk to me if she wants. She has to get going, so I offer a hug and we say goodbye.
Imagine how I felt. This is why I live. This is why I'm so hopeful, and why I'm always staying positive and trying to improve myself. Redemption is a word that comes to mind. : )

You are not alone tonight. Or ever.
Hope is real. Help is real.
< 3

"You are important. You matter"

Yesterday was amazing. The conversations, the speaking, the rooms filled up with people that believe this matters. I love this, I love the UChapter and I love everything I get to do with it. One thing I forgot to say last night, is what I think the best part about UChapters is (besides everything). I love it, because you can take an event last night, and you can take moments where people are vulnerable and will ask questions and share their stories, and their struggles. This gives us a chance to not just hear these stories, but stay connected with them. We have the privilege of not just hearing them, but being able to see these people over and over again. Being able to see them and ask things like "How have you been?" and "How is that thing we talked about?" We recognize that even through healing and redemption, there is still pain and there are still days that are difficult to get through. We can be here for support and love. We are trying to create an environment where it's okay to come back and talk about these things. Your story is changing everyday, and is more important that just one night. We can share more and more with each other, we can become closer and continue to learn together what community means. We can not only help ourselves, but we can reach out and help others. We can become connected in this community and support other organizations that believe in the same things we do. It's great to get messages, and to stay connected with people. To make plans of going out, and getting coffee, hearing from the other officers that people talked to them about being more involved. I don't know everything about community, but I know it doesn't happen in just one night. It can start with that, but it involves staying in touch and continuously walking through life together. We made last night happen not so you could be around people that care for one night, and for once not feel alone in a crowded room. This can go on for more than one night; this can continue for as long as you want it to. We invite you to continuously stay connected with us, and we want you to know that we are always here. We accomplished a lot in one night, inspiring, informing, and encouraging people. Imagine what we could do together if we keep this relationship going. Imagine never having a night you feel alone again, always having someone that can sit there with you and listen, and people that are telling you "You are important, you matter" just like Denny did. This won't always happen, and we are okay with that. Nine times out of ten, we'd like to believe it can. Maybe even more. Because we believe in hope. We believe HOPE IS REAL.

With hope, love, and hugs,
Kevin
TWLOHA.UML@gmail.com