I believe love is the best thing life has to offer

I've heard the saying the good things don't come easy. From what I've learned so far in life, I'd like to think thats true. This is about me, about my life, and the people in it, and what's going on right now. Let me first say that sometimes I'm very strong-headed and I can take an extreme opinion. I realize this, but it also makes me who I am:
I used to do nothing but take words and use them to hurt people. I'd write you off over and over again until you were almost as fucked in the head as I was. Because I'd keep writing, and you'd keep reading. I've learned how hurtful words can be. Tonight I was reminded of that. I said something along the lines a week or so ago about how I don't like living here, I miss Lowell, I want to live in a community of awesome friends, I want to go down to Florida. There are a lot of people I don't like in this town. There are people I hang around with and talk to because there's no one better to. I am living with my family, and as much as I can hope that we will become closer, I'm also realistic and realize we probably won't. What I mean out of this is that I don't feel I have a community here, and I don't feel I have a purpose. Between my own life, and the friends I meet and can try to talk to and support, life can be very heavy and very difficult sometimes. I want to have a group of people in my life that I feel like I can fall on. So I know I'll be able to get through things. At school, I have Analissa who I talk to almost everyday. I also hang out with Mike and the 3 of us have a blast and some good conversations. I have my friend Chris C who's a couple of towns over that I can always hang out with and learn more about life and myself and everything! I have a friend Alessandra who I can also talk to about stuff and sometimes just go grab coffee with. I miss all of that.
(Fuck this is hard to write).
At home I don't have a lot of people. I have an amazing girl in my life, and she means more than anyone else. I care about her so much it scares me. She's the reason I haven't said "fuck it" and moved back up to Lowell for the summer. Life is interesting with her, in so many good ways. She is beautiful. She is amazing. Sometimes she asks me why I'm in her life, because she's so broken. I always give some cheep answer. But I feel like I couldn't find the write words to explain it to her that would make sense and be okay. But not being able to find those words, that's okay to me. We have a lot we can learn about each other and I hope we can walk through life together at least to some extent.
I wish I could live up in Lowell with her. It'd be the best of both worlds. I miss Lowell the most at times that I'm worried about her, or something with us, because I don't really feel like I have anyone to talk to; or any support. One of my close friends just says I need to get laid. What kind of shitty advice is that? I don't want to random go fuck someone. Ya, maybe my dick does. But I'd like to think I'm better than that. That I don't need that. And I'm searching for support and advice and sometimes it's hard to find. I know I have a couple of people but it's hard to find.
Here we go. I'll admit it. I hate that I'm working this summer. I'm sitting on my ass at a beach, and mowing some lawns. That's doing jack shit to change the world. I want to do more. I feel lost.

There's more to say, but I'm falling asleep. Maybe I'll finish 2mrw.
But know this:
I'm scared. I'm scared as fuck, because of this thing called love.
I've wanted to cry for a few weeks now. But there's no point if there isn't anyone to hold you. So I'm holding it in until that day.


I'm flawed. I'm fucked up. I'm wrong sometimes. But I'm me. I'm trying to learn and I'm trying to live. Do it with me?
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Kevin

Today went okay, considering

Letting out emotions through words and tears was better than going crazy in a mosh this afternoon.


Well see what the future holds.
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Waiting for the car crash on the ride home once again : )

It was a great day.
Trying to take things slow. Trying.
She said a certain song makes her think of me. I didn't want to tell her, but the same song always makes me think of her.
I'm learning. I'm LIVING LIFE.

It's great.
There are a lot of broken people in this world. I'm reminded of that everyday. I hope I can be there for everyone that needs me.
I really do.

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I seem to only remember to do this during bad times

Talked to God on the car ride back to Lowell today.

I hope I start to remember to do that more.
Trying to have fun in life a little more.

Today just became okay. : )

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2am is lonely

Listening to Caspian. I need to get away. For the past week I've just been wanting to get in my car and go for a drive at night. I haven't been okay since I found out. She's doing better. But I'm not. Maybe that's selfish, maybe its not. It's hard to focus on this. To talk about it. My favorite part of the day is talking to her mom. Even if it's just for two minutes. Because it's talking about it with someone that GETS IT! Someone that I know is as worried and cares. Even more so than me.
I'm scared I'm in love.
I'm scared it's going to hurt.
The only reason I haven't run away is because I have a plan in case things go bad. I can go intern for TWLOHA. Get away from everything. That's my big secret plan. Happy you know it?
I'm a fucking coward. No. No I'm not. I'd just go and delete that, but we can do that with life. We are never perfect. There's no back space or spell check. People forget that. People don't suck, though sometimes they can choose to.
Even now, I'm running away from the topic. From the thoughts of her. I want to go live in a house with other people that love me and work on forming a community. Sadly, and extremely pathetic, that place is not the house I grew up in and the people aren't my family. Fuck! I'm not staying on track. I mean, then again, do I have to? This happening was probably just the icing on the cake. I've known for a long time I have a shit load of emotions bottled up inside. But I'm okay with that. If you know me, you know how passionate I can be. Where do you think that comes from?
This past year has been pretty great.
I love her, but I'm scared.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
I don't know if we are meant for each other. I don't know if I can stand waiting. I don't know if I'm strong enough for her. I don't know if when she says certain things they are coming from the chemicals in her brain, or something bigger in her heart. And that's what scares me the most.

"I cannot live, I can not breath unless you do this with me"
Life's waiting to begin.
I'm trying to figure out where we fit in each others. : /

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"If LOVE's a word that you say, then say it I will listen"

Yesterday was amazing. Especially after all of last week. I'm in an AVA mood SO much lately.


Here we go, life's waiting to begin.

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