struggle

I pray and ask God to wake up. For I believe in him, but I don't believe he would be putting someone through this. So much pain. The weight of the world isn't on your shoulders, just your own weight. You can't lift it up at all. Only merely dragging it along, trying to get by. I honestly feel like I would only discredit the amount of loneliness if I tried to describe it. So I won't. It's not mine, so it's not fair of me to try.
I never before understood how someone so lonely and hurt could not answer the phone. You need more than a voice and comforting words. Someone to listen or talk to is much closer to loneliness on your scale compared to a feeling that is not shitty. Good doesn't seem possible yet, so for now, we settle with not shitty. How much longer can you go on like this? Something needs to be done. Change needs to happen. Called 911 and told them we need Hope and the support of a community because someone was dying. Called and called and called, but no one answered. It's not important until the heart stops beating, or is a few seconds away from doing so. It's almost like they are encouraging you to get to that point.
I have heard many difficult stories, and met souls that were nothing but heavy. But at least that was something. For you, it's just all become numb.
I want to help. FUCK!!!!! I Want to help SO FUCKING BAD. But I'm lost. Phone calls won't do it. You need someone there. Right now, it's hard for me to be that person. With me knowing that you have practically no one else to turn to, I won't let you down. I don't want to!!!!!! I will get in my car and be on my way before you are done asking. But.... maybe that's already to late. Maybe I'm already not there. And I want to be. More than any test score, and grade, any paycheck, and even any friendship I have up here. I want to be there for you more than I do for my own family. And I do love them.
But I don't know how. And I search and search and search for a way. I can't find one. It keeps me up at night. It haunts me in my dreams. GOD DAMN IT WHY CANT THE PAIN JUST FUCKING GO AWAY FOR YOU?!?!?!?!?! You once said you wish you could hug someone so tight you'd squeeze the pain out of them. I'd get a line of people out the door just to give you hugs, and I'd be at the beginning, middle, and back of it. And some other spots in between. But life's not that easy!!!! I like challenges, and I know there will always be unknowns, but can this please not be one of them? I can't stand it. I can't function. And this isn't about me, please don't get it all wrong. This is about you. About your pain, and the fact that it is more comfortable in your house than you ever will be. Why can't I just get rid of it for you? Why can't we find an answer? I don't even give a shit if it's me, but I want you or someone else to find an answer for you. Find a solution that will make this easier. Because you don't deserve to live like this. You don't deserve all the pain, and the lies, and the nights of crying alone. You shouldn't have to hide behind drugs so you can get through the day. You shouldn't have to try so hard to forget about your life. It's yours and you own it. And I want it to change for you so bad into something you want to own. And I know you do to. I see it in your eyes, even when you deny it with your words. Nobody can live like this. But I'm so happy you are struggling, only for the fact that you haven't given up. You have some tiny bit of hope. I don't know how, but I'm so thankful for it. I hope it doesn't burn out. I hope for the hope that your hopeful. And I want to do more than hope, but I don't know how. I always know how and I don't right now. I need help. I need people that can be there for you with me. The only places that I know of this are mental hospitals and Coco, FL. I vote for the latter. There's always another way though. Dear God, dear people, dear anything and everything that is good, or even tired of being bad; please help find it. Not for me, or anyone or thing else; expect for HER! SHE DESERVES IT!!!!!

It's hard for you to feel. I'm trying to feel for you just a little bit, right now.
Things need to change. Starting RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!!!!!

Always loving, because I really do mean that,
<3

This felt good to write today. My life lately.

Hold on and I will make this worth your while. I will show you every single beautiful thing in this world. We will sit in one spot for hours and watch nature be the miracle that it is. We will have the time of day, and night, and the next day to give to it. For in every moment that you feel alone, there’s a better one coming. And for every question you have, well, you won’t always find answers. But you can find another heavy soul searching for them to. And when you find out you can scream the question from the mountaintop with someone else; that’s an answer in itself. Tears fall from my eyes every night, or at least I wish they did. These days the emotions just get trapped inside. Do you know what it’s like to want nothing more to just cry, but you can’t? This isn’t the worst life. It’s just mine. And I want to be happy so I can help others be happier. But I want to find a body that doesn’t feel okay unless the arms attached to it are around me. And that doesn’t show that it’s weak, that’s strength that you can’t compare to anything else. 300 tons is insignificant at this point. Hearts have felt heavier. And sometimes the only way to get all that weight off isn’t a good way. Lives end too quickly. You can blame them until you hear the story they left behind. Then there’s nothing left but questions that you won’t find the answers to. You are all stuck there in the silence that is louder than any rock concert you’ve ever been to. But go find a mountaintop, stand on it at night, look up at the stars, and ask away.

this doesn't come so easily to me lately

it's difficult for me to write. I've been in a funk most of this summer it seems like. I'm lost.

Trying to be happy.

I haven't been myself lately. I'm not as out going, or friendly or hopeful. Some friends I just don't give a fuck about. Others I really do but I feel like I'm not showing that to them. Life's hard.

Wisconsin in 3 days. Get to get away from all of this shit, and see a good friend for the first time. : )

< 3

wow, it's been awhile.

So I realize it's been awhile since I update, and I do have a bit on my mind. First, just let me say MOVE was amazing. I won't try to describe it, cause I won't do it justice.

I had to push someone out of my life that I'm close to. But it's for the best for right now. Life is seasons, and hopefully down the road we can be friends. It sucks having that empty space though. It sucks getting over someone. I'm going to write about it for a few sentences, and then never again. Cause 4 years ago I wrote about it way too much. Actually fuck it, I'm not going to write at all. Just don't want to get hurt.

Every time I get real down and no one comes closer, I start to push people away. I start to treat the most vulnerable people like shit and push them away the most. I realized I started doing that again. But I think I've stopped. I had a good day today for the most part. I'm looking forward to a trip in 12 days, to Soulfest, and then school. I'm looking forward to interning for TWLOHA next summer. Yes I'll be interning.
I can't spend another summer at home. I'm so fucking miserable here. Mainly because of my family. Yeah, they are great, and I know they love me and care about me. But we don't understand each other, and it just doesn't work. I tell them I'm going to intern next summer and all they do is talk about money. I just wish they'd be happy for me for 2 seconds. I don't give a fuck about money when it's in comparison to doing things that I care about. And I have some good friends around here, but it's not a great community.

I'm lost. I'm not thinking how I normally do. Hopefully I find the track back on stuff soon.

UChapter officer meeting the other day though, that kinda felt like home.

Take care until next time,
< 3

I went on a swing today. It was awesome.

2 seconds took away from my awesome night.

I should just push you out of my life right now. I really should. Doesn't have to be forever, but at least for a while. I feel like shit sometimes. I get really down. I'm not hopeful. I'm not myself. I have really shitty nights. I'm addicted to this shit though. Or am I? I know I should get away. I really believe it. That's a start isn't it? We shall see.

MOVE in less than 2 weeks. Then Bam Road Show and seeing Chloe. I'm excited for all of that. I'm trying to be at least.

< 3

Stick through tough times, take action when you need to

Tonight I was able to breath okay for the first time in awhile. I feel good. : )


I hope today was good for you. I hope 2mrw is better.

< 3

I believe love is the best thing life has to offer

I've heard the saying the good things don't come easy. From what I've learned so far in life, I'd like to think thats true. This is about me, about my life, and the people in it, and what's going on right now. Let me first say that sometimes I'm very strong-headed and I can take an extreme opinion. I realize this, but it also makes me who I am:
I used to do nothing but take words and use them to hurt people. I'd write you off over and over again until you were almost as fucked in the head as I was. Because I'd keep writing, and you'd keep reading. I've learned how hurtful words can be. Tonight I was reminded of that. I said something along the lines a week or so ago about how I don't like living here, I miss Lowell, I want to live in a community of awesome friends, I want to go down to Florida. There are a lot of people I don't like in this town. There are people I hang around with and talk to because there's no one better to. I am living with my family, and as much as I can hope that we will become closer, I'm also realistic and realize we probably won't. What I mean out of this is that I don't feel I have a community here, and I don't feel I have a purpose. Between my own life, and the friends I meet and can try to talk to and support, life can be very heavy and very difficult sometimes. I want to have a group of people in my life that I feel like I can fall on. So I know I'll be able to get through things. At school, I have Analissa who I talk to almost everyday. I also hang out with Mike and the 3 of us have a blast and some good conversations. I have my friend Chris C who's a couple of towns over that I can always hang out with and learn more about life and myself and everything! I have a friend Alessandra who I can also talk to about stuff and sometimes just go grab coffee with. I miss all of that.
(Fuck this is hard to write).
At home I don't have a lot of people. I have an amazing girl in my life, and she means more than anyone else. I care about her so much it scares me. She's the reason I haven't said "fuck it" and moved back up to Lowell for the summer. Life is interesting with her, in so many good ways. She is beautiful. She is amazing. Sometimes she asks me why I'm in her life, because she's so broken. I always give some cheep answer. But I feel like I couldn't find the write words to explain it to her that would make sense and be okay. But not being able to find those words, that's okay to me. We have a lot we can learn about each other and I hope we can walk through life together at least to some extent.
I wish I could live up in Lowell with her. It'd be the best of both worlds. I miss Lowell the most at times that I'm worried about her, or something with us, because I don't really feel like I have anyone to talk to; or any support. One of my close friends just says I need to get laid. What kind of shitty advice is that? I don't want to random go fuck someone. Ya, maybe my dick does. But I'd like to think I'm better than that. That I don't need that. And I'm searching for support and advice and sometimes it's hard to find. I know I have a couple of people but it's hard to find.
Here we go. I'll admit it. I hate that I'm working this summer. I'm sitting on my ass at a beach, and mowing some lawns. That's doing jack shit to change the world. I want to do more. I feel lost.

There's more to say, but I'm falling asleep. Maybe I'll finish 2mrw.
But know this:
I'm scared. I'm scared as fuck, because of this thing called love.
I've wanted to cry for a few weeks now. But there's no point if there isn't anyone to hold you. So I'm holding it in until that day.


I'm flawed. I'm fucked up. I'm wrong sometimes. But I'm me. I'm trying to learn and I'm trying to live. Do it with me?
< 3
Kevin