My favorite moment last Wednesday

I think I'm going to start writing more now. I went through a time when I was too busy, and I spent my time sharing thoughts with others instead of ever writing them. Maybe this means I'm getting a little lonely again. Maybe I shouldn't think to deeply into it. I wanted to share one more of the very many great memories from the Main Event last Wed. This was my favorite. We don't get to always choose endings, or meet up with people again after hearing their stories. But it's amazing when we do. To first understand this, I must take you back to Warped Tour this past summer.

I got to help out at the TWLOHA booth the Boston Date of Warped. My friend Jason got me in, and I was at the booth most of the day helping out. I sold a lot of shirts, answered some basic questions, and was giving the opportunity to listen to a few peoples stories. It really put into place for me how important TWLOHA is, and how many people recognize that. I did go and see a couple of bands that day too. One of them being Chiodos. At some point between the crowd surfing and the pits and all the jumping up and down, I lost my wallet. I went and reported it, and came back to the booth feeling bummed out about it. Almost right away, this girl walks up to me at the table. She looks very concerned, and worried. She starts to tell me about a friend she has, who is standing about 20 feet away from out tent with another one of their friends. This friend has been struggling with cutting and taking pills, and the girl telling this to me says she doesn't know what to do. I freeze. I just immediately freeze and choke on every word that could come up. My brain is still thinking about how much fucking money i might've lost instead of something WAY MORE IMPORTANT, this girls situation. I grab Chris, who is working at the tent, and ask him to talk to this girl. I apologize and say that Chris is a lot better at talking about these things than me. I hated myself for the rest of the day for this situation. How I froze, and how I was more concerned about my wallet and someone asking for help. It had bothered me for so long. I never got over this. I know we aren't perfect, and we all make mistakes, but I was so scared I might've given this girl a bad idea of TWLOHA and the people that work for it.
Last Wednesday, after the event Jamie is meeting people. I walk up, having to tell him something, and this girl in front of him is handing him her phone asking him to talk to her friend for a minute. Jamie takes the phone and starts talking, and I start a conversation with this girl by telling her I think it's awesome she's doing that for her friend. She starts to share with me how her friend and her were at Warped that Past Summer and had a great conversation with Chris about how her friend was struggling with self-injury, "and taking pills" I finish the sentence for her. It hits me this was the same girl. The room froze in that moment for me. I told her I needed to talk to her for a minute. Jamie got off the phone with her friend, she talked to him, and then came to me. I explained to her that I remember her, and she came up to me and I froze (I was rocking a mohawk back then, so I looked at little different). I apologized over and over again to her, and was telling her that I was so glad I got to find her again. She told me her friend hadn't taken a pill or cut since the day before warped tour. (If you don't get why we do this, it's because of golden moments like this.) We talk a little more. I learn about her story a little bit and who she is. I tell her about our UChapter and point out the email where she can always talk to me if she wants. She has to get going, so I offer a hug and we say goodbye.
Imagine how I felt. This is why I live. This is why I'm so hopeful, and why I'm always staying positive and trying to improve myself. Redemption is a word that comes to mind. : )

You are not alone tonight. Or ever.
Hope is real. Help is real.
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"You are important. You matter"

Yesterday was amazing. The conversations, the speaking, the rooms filled up with people that believe this matters. I love this, I love the UChapter and I love everything I get to do with it. One thing I forgot to say last night, is what I think the best part about UChapters is (besides everything). I love it, because you can take an event last night, and you can take moments where people are vulnerable and will ask questions and share their stories, and their struggles. This gives us a chance to not just hear these stories, but stay connected with them. We have the privilege of not just hearing them, but being able to see these people over and over again. Being able to see them and ask things like "How have you been?" and "How is that thing we talked about?" We recognize that even through healing and redemption, there is still pain and there are still days that are difficult to get through. We can be here for support and love. We are trying to create an environment where it's okay to come back and talk about these things. Your story is changing everyday, and is more important that just one night. We can share more and more with each other, we can become closer and continue to learn together what community means. We can not only help ourselves, but we can reach out and help others. We can become connected in this community and support other organizations that believe in the same things we do. It's great to get messages, and to stay connected with people. To make plans of going out, and getting coffee, hearing from the other officers that people talked to them about being more involved. I don't know everything about community, but I know it doesn't happen in just one night. It can start with that, but it involves staying in touch and continuously walking through life together. We made last night happen not so you could be around people that care for one night, and for once not feel alone in a crowded room. This can go on for more than one night; this can continue for as long as you want it to. We invite you to continuously stay connected with us, and we want you to know that we are always here. We accomplished a lot in one night, inspiring, informing, and encouraging people. Imagine what we could do together if we keep this relationship going. Imagine never having a night you feel alone again, always having someone that can sit there with you and listen, and people that are telling you "You are important, you matter" just like Denny did. This won't always happen, and we are okay with that. Nine times out of ten, we'd like to believe it can. Maybe even more. Because we believe in hope. We believe HOPE IS REAL.

With hope, love, and hugs,
Kevin
TWLOHA.UML@gmail.com

Guess what? Sleep and I aren't getting along tonight

Lot on my mind I guess. My sister is also up this late. Weird haha. We are becoming so close. It makes me happy. It's legit one of the few things that make me really happy and love life lately. Having someone like her.
Otherwise, life's stressful. It's my first day back and I'm already stressed. I'm working on becoming more inspired with things and less stressed. It's going alright. I at least know how I can make it happen. Or at least I feel like I can. It's tough though. I had a really really great day Friday. Meeting with someone from AFSP, hanging out with friends, going to see Anis, having a great conversation with a friend after. I was loving it. I was very happy.
Two weekends ago, I got to hang out with a very close friend in Boston. He said at least a few times how much he loved life that day. I didn't forget it. It's stuck with me. I was extremely happy for him, that he was at that place in life. And I've realized that now no matter how I'm feeling, if someone asks me how life is, I'll say good. Because it is good. I have all the essential things I need. And that's all that really matters. So even if a day isn't too good, it still is in a way.
Worried about the UChapter. Trying to figure out the best way to deal with some things. Hopefully they'll get better.


Thanks Kelly, and Jason. This is incredible to listen to.
http://kellyhasadventures.tumblr.com/post/467213783/jasonblades-where-words-fail-music-speaks

I guess there's not a lot on my mind. So I don't know why exactly I can't sleep. : /.

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it's 2:30 am. I can't sleep

A lot on my mind. Life's been difficult lately. In a different way than when it use to be difficult. I'm trying to find more useful things to do with my life. I guess I feel like I'm just waiting to fall in love, I'm ready to. Until then, I'm just going to try to help others, change the world, put more good into it.
Is that messed up to say though? I'm ready to love? I mean I can always be a better person. I can always improve. So why am I just sitting here waiting? Am I really scared that improving myself more might just lead to get me conceited and not feel like anyone is good enough for me? Or do I really need to work on myself. I don't like people that drink, yet Saturday night I went and got drunk. After talking to a girl that afternoon who's going through a TON of shit, and her parent's can't pay for her to go see someone because they don't have money. But her dad's an alcoholic and has money for beer all the time. It's a fucked up situation. But I just go, and get drunk that night. I'm indirectly helping her dad be an alcoholic. I'm buying beer, it's helping the company, the company is giving him the beer. Maybe I'm hard on myself sometimes, but I wouldn't want it any other way. We are too soft on ourselves a lot. We CAN do more. We ARE power.
I just fucking hate certain things sometimes.
When I make a post like this, I can rant about things, and they are good, and they come from my heart. But it's not what's really on my mind. What's really keeping me up this late.
I'm going back to see my therapist 2mrw. Y? because yesterday wasn't a great day. For a moment, I got a familiar feeling of getting my heart ripped that brought me back a couple of years. It scared me. I'm glad I called. I'm glad I'm going to go talk to her. But for some reason, I feel a little ashamed. It feels like a step backwards. I don't know why exactly, but it does.
I'm still hopeful. I still want to do good things. I want to help people. So idk what's wrong really. I have a few friends I can talk to. They are good friends. Idk what's wrong. But I guess something is.
Maybe it's the bigger questions like, why am I at college? Why am I wasting my time in certain classes? What else could I be doing with my life? I'm running out of way to make myself grow as a person at UML. There's so much of the world out there. I want to go do stuff with different non-profits. I want to help more people, change bigger things. I'm not saying move away from helping single people one-on-one with struggles. I'm saying do more in addition to that.
I don't like sitting at home and watching tv, or playing xbox, or just doing nothing. It's not relaxing and it's not enjoyable for me.
I want to go make a difference. When people say "slow down in life" I don't think they're talking to me.
: /

Hopefully today with my therapist goes well.
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(I always proof-read these before I post them. Right now, I didn't. Hope it's not too bad.)

Fuck spring break. Fuck a ton of shit right now

What happened to living a life you like? So when Friday comes, it's just another night. Instead of a chance to get drunk and run away from it all.



So many people are fucking with my heart and head in so many ways.

I fucking hate being home. That will never change I guess.

Kevin

Getting through the week....

This week, eh well.. I guess it's better than the past two so far. But it still sucks.
It's the same problems.
"friends" never reach out, never talk to me, never try to make plans.
I have so much shit to do for school, but I don't even know if it's worth it. If this is what I want to do.
Love and I are fighting. I think I want to push it away from the next couple of years.
Just be alone, do things, help people.
But it's fucked. I'm at a point in my life where I'm ready to love. FINALLY!! But it seems like no one else is. And I'm okay with waiting, but it sucks when I have to see people around me have someone when I don't. That's the toughest part of getting out of bed in the morning lately I think.

I'm not fully upset, I have a couple of friends who are in my life, and who mean a lot. And care about me. And I'm thankful for them. Days which I would consider shitty are now upgraded to kinda crappy cause I at least have them in my life.

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Kevin

I have an incredible gift

I take pain, and I turn it into passion for good things.


Hope it doesn't fuck me over....

<3

Just decided.
Just fucking decide already.