I'm now 22 years old, and I still spend most days trying to figure out what being a man means

I keep growing up. I keep changing. I've felt like over the past couple of years I have become a little less energetic, hopeful, caring, compassionate, etc. This has bothered me a lot for awhile, but I'm learning to be okay with it. I believe that the amount of these feelings and actions are all like energy in that they can't be created nor destroyed. They can only change form, or in this case, people. Maybe there is the same amount of hope on the earth at all times. The only thing that changes is what people posses it at different moments. This idea makes me smile, and also allows me to sleep a little better at night. We Don't Need to Whisper by AVA is playing right now. It's making me feel alive. It hits my heart, and I feel something. I feel like these notes and words are reminding me that it's always ok to think and to feel. My mind feels a little at ease. I feel passion in my heart right now. I want to be a better person everyday. I have for years, and this is still true. And maybe I don't act on this as much as I used to... but I still try. That is what matters. I'm doing things to try to build and help community around me. I'm having dinners at my apartment over the summer. I am so lucky to have a job that allows me to simply help others and be there for them. This job can be difficult, because everyday it reminds me that I can't change people, I can only encourage them and let them know I care and I'm there for them. There are still times in which I want to hug someone so hard that I squeeze the pain out of them. Every time I don't take the motorcycle home, my mind races in the truck. I think about that time I left an apartment in Fall River, and didn't even make it off 79 to 24 before I had to pull over and cry uncontrollably with sobs asking "WHY?" in between breaths. 30 Seconds to Mars was playing in the background. But every time I think about this, it becomes a little easier. What's great to is I know that if it ever starts to get worse, I can go talk to someone. I have learned that I can't change the world, though I won't ever tell anyone they can't. People should be allowed to dream for as long as they can. If someone believes they can, I'm not going to challenge them, I'll simply smile and say good luck. I don't feel I can change the world, but I know I can impact and stay with people. From the moment we are born, we start becoming a little less of ourselves and a little more of everyone else. It's beautiful. I'm thankful for so many things, and I hope you are too. I don't care if I'm at work tomorrow all day, and I don't care if it might be inappropriate, I want to hug everyone I see. I want to just say, "It's my birthday, can I have a hug?" Maybe I'll do it on some day that's not my birthday if I don't tomorrow. That would be fun. I love my family, my friends, my job, at least some of the schooling I'm doing, and that I'm alive instead of dead. I know I could die at any moment. I'm not going to say I hope I live another 22 years. I'm going to say I hope the world becomes a better place. I believe right now, in this moment, that everything in this world is the way it is because of a reason. And I'm at peace with that. It is comfortable. I hope you get a hug tomorrow. I write in this blog less because I have more true and real conversations with people instead of putting stuff in here. I hope that you start to do that too. Today is a holiday for you just as much as it is for me. Because everyday is a holiday. With Hope, Kevin

A promise to myself

Never will I come home from my job, which includes helping those who are in recovery from drugs/alcohol, and have a drink to relieve my stress. I'm not sure if this is more for them, for me, or for everybody. Life is busy. This is okay, as long as you are still smiling and caring. <3

Life=awesome

I hope you can relate. In a week, school will be done, papers will be getting finished up, and summer will feel just around the bend. < 3

Breathe in, Breathe out

I feel like I should be happier. I have everything. I have a great job, an awesome girlfriend, classes are going fine, I've gone surfing this past week. I think I miss feeling as relaxed, alive, and connected with things as I did in Florida. I think surfing has shown me how unconnected I am. I saw a friend yesterday I hadn't seen in a month or two. "I thought you'd be out of here and back in Florida by now." I feel like maybe I should be. I told myself I'd only have a year of school to finish when I came back, but I was wrong. It's longer. And I'm stuck here, in this city. There are good things to this, like going to open mics downtown, and being around college friends. But it's difficult to be in touch with nature. It's difficult to feel relaxed. I feel like I forgot what relaxed is. Relaxed isn't sitting in front of the T.V. playing xbox. It's sitting on the beach, or sitting on my surf board watching the beauty of the ocean as it surrounds me. I know part of the reason I'm feeling like this is because I've had a weird sleep schedule this week. This is something I need to work on. But I guess I feel like there are other things I could improve on/ would like to see changed: I wish I had a surfing buddy. Someone that I could share this passion with. Go out with, talk about it. Someone that will get it because they experience it with me, ya know? I feel like I'm just going through the motions in regard to classes and school. What's odd about that is I feel like I don't have as much of an urge as I usually do to just up go on an adventure. I think this has to do with a girl, and change takes time. I need to clean my apartment. Like hardcore clean it and organize my room. I will probably feel better after this is done. I said last week that I think I want to go back to counseling. Mainly because of this new job, and so I can have someone to talk to about stuff with the job. But I think there are other reasons and things that made me say this, and I'm not really sure what they are. I think I need sleep. Especially seeing I'm working 16 hours tomorrow. Good night world. <3

Real Life

It's difficult to come home and feel like all of your friends are out drinking when you just left working at a place in which alcohol has hurt the lives of so many.

I'm so nervous for next Friday. I want to be so fucking good at this job. I want to have a huge impact. I want patients to remember me, because that's how I'll know I'm doing a good job.

<3

I forgive you

These are words that I think I need to say to myself. As I lay here tonight, in the bed I grew up in, I realize some heaviness in my heart. I've improved a lot with learning to be okay with spending a night alone. But it's still a little difficult. Today I wrote things and felt really good about them, actually inspired by them. I wrote words that had passion in them. I think this is what is a little difficult about coming home for me, I don't have a lot of distractions here. It allows me to reflect.

It's been months since I've lived in Florida, yet I still don't know how to describe my time there. I'm focusing this more so on my summer, after the internship. The summer which I lived alone. I had never lived alone before that. It was new and scary as fuck. It was a huge challenge, and in some cases, when push came to shove, I failed. I fucked up. I've been very mad at myself and still have some guilt inside me. So here are words I've never said to myself I need to. I forgive you. I forgive you for being a shitty friend, for not being responsible with your money, for the strip clubs, for letting lust and desire lead you to doing things that should never be done. For spending a few too many nights just getting drunk, for breaking hearts, for not reaching out and asking for help sooner when you needed it, for calling the cops, for pushing away someone who was trying to help, and more than anything, for having a hard time forgiving her. Because hey, if you're reading this, I forgive you too. And that doesn't at all mean it's all your fault. But damn it, you're still on my mind, and I think about you, and I hope that you're doing okay. I love you. I don't ever want to be with you again, but I do love you. Something tells me that last sentence shouldn't feel okay, but it does.

I was young and dumb. I was learning and living. I still am young and dumb; learning and living. Life happens. It's okay. It's okay to let out the negative feelings I have about myself. It's okay to cry and not even really know why. I love myself. I do love myself. That's what matters most. Tomorrow, I can now walk through the day with less guilt than I had today.

Here's a water toast to everyone not getting wasted tonight. Cheers.
<3

The strongest inspiration comes from other people

"Slow down Quinten. You can see it all if your finger whispers on one word. Slow down. For in a world of fast faces, I'm looking for God everywhere. Trying to figure out this little thing he made called a man."

I'm trying to slow down and speed up both at the same time. I can be very spontaneous, random, and adventurous. However, for the amount of time alone I spend, I wonder if I do enough self-reflecting.

There's a million good things. Time's a million. Squared.

Sometimes it's nice to just let good thoughts flow through your mind, and just lay back and smile. Sometimes we don't need to write nor share them, and that's okay.

If I didn't have the amazing friends I do, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I'm thankful for it all. I'm happy and I'm tired. I'm going to go let my thoughts flow through my mind as I fall to sleep.


Laughing is the best medicine.

<3