It's the week of the year that sucks. Stress if coming form everywhere and I'm feeling it. It's almost 5am, and I've just woken up. Can't go back to sleep. I have 3 papers due by Thurs the 20th (I'm only half way through the first one). I have a new job that worries me and also stresses me out. I have debt close to $3,000 (and let's not talk about the college loans...) I have to apply to grad schools, and hope that I can get in with a 3.0 GPA, because that's the best I have. Somewhere in between all of this I'm supposed to find time to work on me, and be a better person myself. To be a better boyfriend, a better friend, and a better son. I'm learning the more things pile on, and deadlines are posted, the easier it is to lose yourself in all of it. I'm stuck not having time to answer the questions "Who am I? How have I been doing lately? What can I do better? When will I get some me time?" It seems the only time left for me to think about these things is 5am, robbing me of sleep because my brain is wide awake. But I need my sleep. Because tomorrow I have to finish a paper, go to work, prove I'm ready to serve on my own, and then remember everything else on the list of stuff I have to do. I don't like who I am this week. Hopefully a week from now that answer can change. Hopefully....

Nature vs. technology

It's funny how I'm trying to use the internet right now to not feel alone. It doesn't work to well. I'd be better off just calling someone, or going for a walk outside. Even if it is Lowell, i guess. I want to be alone tonight because I want to know I can be. I have grief inside me. I have stress and questions and confusion and desires and dreams and everything I list just seems to bring more questions. I have questions.... questions.... questions. Sunday I want to go on a hike and I hope I get to. I want to have a day doing something I choose to do, and to feel free and accomplished. I don't need a grade or a "like" to feel accomplished. Those things are superficial. I need the sense of pride that comes within me, and also those that come from honest kind words, smiles, and hugs. I need to just be me. A couple of nights ago I read the beginning of one of Leo Buscaglia's books. It had been way to long. I simply read the intro and was able to feel more alive and happy than I have in a month. I got some of my spark back thanks to reading that. The knowledge, and equally as important the belief in the knowledge that happiness spreads. It's contagious. I want to share it with everyone and just do good things! Sometimes, like right now, at the end of the day we are left here feeling like we let today down. We could've done a little better, or allowed it to be a little more meaningful. I don't think it's good to dwell, so I'm not going to. I think the best we can do is to try to do a little better tomorrow. I miss honest, sometimes difficult, conversations over coffee. Who ever is reading this, let's have one soon. Make both of our days more meaningful and cheerful. I don't write on here often because I'm trying to use people and nature instead of technology. I know it's the better way. < 3

Grief

I'm learning lately that there's a big difference between most of my friends and myself. When something tragic happens: My friends- I'm here to talk if you need me Me- When can we grab coffee? That is a big difference. I never realized how much it can mean until now unfortunately being on the other side of the tragedy. I want to be as caring as I can. Always. I'm going to try to really work on that. <3

Someone viewed this page yesterday. I'll guess it's the same person that took her last breath yesterday

I never thought she'd make me feel like this again. Helpless. Lost. Confused. Hurt. Sad. Scared. Angry. Angry at myself, at her, and at everyone and everything. Just a desire to feel. I guess all the emotions get so mixed up that I'm just left with a feeling of numbness. Yesterday, my ex girlfriend died by suicide. I'm not sure I know how to feel, act, or react. I'm used to being on the opposite side of this conversation. I don't think it's fully hit me yet though. That's for sure. Because I'm functioning. And I don't think I should be. People leave our lives, and it hurts for a little while. But it hurts a little less everyday. And eventually, we stop feeling the pain. It hurts less because as much as maybe we aren't in their lives, we know that they have their own. That they are living their own life, and it's probably going okay, if not better. Her life wasn't going okay. In fact, it was so (insert negative word that maybe she would've used, because I don't know why and it's not my place to guess) that she decided to quit it. To give up on life, completely. To leave behind those that cared about her. I still cared about her. I still loved her. And I say that in a past tense only because I don't know what exactly "her" is anymore. I don't know if you can care and/or love the idea of someone. I don't know what happens after death. She was someone special to me. She taught me a lot about life, the hardships of it, and a lot about growing up. She use to tell me how fucked up her world was; how difficult her life was. I always was still able to find beauty in it. She taught me how to have fun in a place I didn't feel connected. In florida, we went to the beach every night. To hear the waves and look at the stars, and to go in the water. She allowed me to experience the joy of having a beautiful baby sit in my lap while I read to her. A baby that now has no mother, and a dead beat prick ass dad that'll never be in her life. This woman could've done wonderful things. She did, but she could've done more. I don't know why she decided to end her life, and I'd like to try to get a little better of an idea why she did; but I do know that she was one of the strongest woman I've ever known. She has taught me things that I will keep with me forever. Dear ____, I'm sorry life got to this point. I'm sorry giving up seemed like an acceptable choice. I know we weren't great at always showing it, but there are a lot of people that care about you. I'm sorry we haven't talked in months. I was scared. For you and me, and the future. I was selfish and wanted to make sure I continued to "move forward" with my life. I didn't reach out. I've stopped sending random texts to not just you, but everyone. Little things like, "Good morning, have a wonderful day." These texts will start again. I know you believed in spiritual things, and some Buddhist ideas. I hope that you have been re-created and have come back to this earth. I hope that you are your favorite flower. I hope people take the time to notice your beauty, and appreciate you as much as you deserve. I hope they appreciate you more. Thank you for allowing me to walk through part of your life with you. Thank you for sharing the good times, and teaching me in the bad. Fuck. I miss you. I want to hug you. Or even just know that you're breathing, and doing okay. I don't even have to see you. I just want you to be happy. May our paths cross down the road, in future lives, or where ever it is we end up. With Hope, Kevin I would always rather have a friend call me at 2am, even if I haven't spoken to them in years, then to find out the next day that they took their own life. I don't say that for myself, it doesn't matter who the hell says this, but everyone should hear it. You are loved. You are important. People that don't know you want to hug you and walk through the hard times with you. There's someone out there you haven't met yet that you'll want to kiss. There's dreams you haven't even formed yet that you'll accomplish. There's places you'll see that will take your breath away. There's moments that will make you cry tears of joy. There's days you'll spend almost all of smiling and laughing. There's moments you'll share with others that'll become memories. There's the entire world, and the entire rest of your life waiting. Please don't ever give up. Please keep breathing. Please pick up the phone. Please go knock on a door. Please tell someone you're not okay in the present moment. It's okay to do all these things. It's encouraged. It's the better choice than giving up. "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." <3 This is one of those rare moments that we can actually say goodbye.... Goodbye Beth

I'm now 22 years old, and I still spend most days trying to figure out what being a man means

I keep growing up. I keep changing. I've felt like over the past couple of years I have become a little less energetic, hopeful, caring, compassionate, etc. This has bothered me a lot for awhile, but I'm learning to be okay with it. I believe that the amount of these feelings and actions are all like energy in that they can't be created nor destroyed. They can only change form, or in this case, people. Maybe there is the same amount of hope on the earth at all times. The only thing that changes is what people posses it at different moments. This idea makes me smile, and also allows me to sleep a little better at night. We Don't Need to Whisper by AVA is playing right now. It's making me feel alive. It hits my heart, and I feel something. I feel like these notes and words are reminding me that it's always ok to think and to feel. My mind feels a little at ease. I feel passion in my heart right now. I want to be a better person everyday. I have for years, and this is still true. And maybe I don't act on this as much as I used to... but I still try. That is what matters. I'm doing things to try to build and help community around me. I'm having dinners at my apartment over the summer. I am so lucky to have a job that allows me to simply help others and be there for them. This job can be difficult, because everyday it reminds me that I can't change people, I can only encourage them and let them know I care and I'm there for them. There are still times in which I want to hug someone so hard that I squeeze the pain out of them. Every time I don't take the motorcycle home, my mind races in the truck. I think about that time I left an apartment in Fall River, and didn't even make it off 79 to 24 before I had to pull over and cry uncontrollably with sobs asking "WHY?" in between breaths. 30 Seconds to Mars was playing in the background. But every time I think about this, it becomes a little easier. What's great to is I know that if it ever starts to get worse, I can go talk to someone. I have learned that I can't change the world, though I won't ever tell anyone they can't. People should be allowed to dream for as long as they can. If someone believes they can, I'm not going to challenge them, I'll simply smile and say good luck. I don't feel I can change the world, but I know I can impact and stay with people. From the moment we are born, we start becoming a little less of ourselves and a little more of everyone else. It's beautiful. I'm thankful for so many things, and I hope you are too. I don't care if I'm at work tomorrow all day, and I don't care if it might be inappropriate, I want to hug everyone I see. I want to just say, "It's my birthday, can I have a hug?" Maybe I'll do it on some day that's not my birthday if I don't tomorrow. That would be fun. I love my family, my friends, my job, at least some of the schooling I'm doing, and that I'm alive instead of dead. I know I could die at any moment. I'm not going to say I hope I live another 22 years. I'm going to say I hope the world becomes a better place. I believe right now, in this moment, that everything in this world is the way it is because of a reason. And I'm at peace with that. It is comfortable. I hope you get a hug tomorrow. I write in this blog less because I have more true and real conversations with people instead of putting stuff in here. I hope that you start to do that too. Today is a holiday for you just as much as it is for me. Because everyday is a holiday. With Hope, Kevin

A promise to myself

Never will I come home from my job, which includes helping those who are in recovery from drugs/alcohol, and have a drink to relieve my stress. I'm not sure if this is more for them, for me, or for everybody. Life is busy. This is okay, as long as you are still smiling and caring. <3

Life=awesome

I hope you can relate. In a week, school will be done, papers will be getting finished up, and summer will feel just around the bend. < 3