Learning

Every day I want to run to your house and ask you for a second chance I don't deserve. Patience is hard.

I wish I could go live in nature right now

I fucking hate me. Here's what happened. I had all this pain inside of me and I met this beautiful girl. This girl that was too good for me. She was everything I didn't deserve. But I got it anyway. I got her and I feel in love. Before her I'd never believed that I had met the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with. But what's messed up is that I need to deal with the stuff from before you. And I had to break up with you to do it. I had to break up with you because it's easier to focus on this stuff from the past than the fact that I broke up with you. So I can't run away from it anymore. But once I face this I'm going to have to also face the fact that I've ruined the best thing that's ever happened to me in my life. I hope you read this. I hope you know that I'm a fucking mess because I want that fact to make you feel a little better. I regret what I did and I have for a week. But nothing has changed in me so I leave it be. I don't have any expectations except I hope you are happy; or at least will be in the future. I think about how I hurt you and I makes me want to break every mirror in this apartment because I don't think I could ever look at myself again. I had a dream last night. In the dream we broke up. But immediately after I said it I broke down and I wanted to fight like hell to make it better. I guess my subconscious has bigger balls than I do. I set my alarm ten minutes earlier because I know I'll spend at least that much time debating getting out of bed. It's hard to face life when you feel alone. You are an amazing woman and there are no flaws in you that you need to change. You are perfect the way you are. Don't change. I'm the one that needs to change. And I'm working on it, hard as it may be. <3

Hope

I had a great idea today I shared with my best friend. An idea to start a group(ish) to talk about the ideas and values of love and human relationships. Based mainly off of ideas of Leo Buscaglia. I think it could turn into an amazing thing if we go about it the right way. I'm hopeful for it and it gave me something to be excited and happy about for today. I think this is part of the grieving process so here it goes: You are the best person I've ever known. I can't begin to put into words how great the past two years of my life have been thanks to you.... I want to write more but I can't right now. I guess I thought I could do this already. It's too hard to think about it and then look around an apartment that is empty besides me. It's surprising and pathetic the lengths that I've gone through the past week just to run away from the fact that I'm now single and I have to accept that. That I've ended a major chapter in my life and in many aspects the best chapter so far. I don't know if I fully believe that my story can get better from here. I know it'll get worse first. "This doesn't feel right." I've never stopped thinking about that since I read it. <3

A quote is as good as our interpretation of it

These are quotes I've been thinking about a lot/relating to lately: "And you're nothing special...except...what if you are?" "We accept the love we think we deserve" "Are you loving fully or are you not?" "If we cannot be with another, can we at least not hurt them? Can we, at least, find a way to coexist?" "I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable. I reserve my right to be afraid. I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way. I want to be a better person..." "Love alone is worth the fight" "There is no remedy for love but to love more." <3

Nobody likes you when you're 23

I'm 23 years old and I'm learning what it's like to go through a break up. This is different from all the others. I think what bothers me and makes this so confusing is that I try to compare it to others but I can't. I have changed and grown so much. I feel like overall I'm a healthier person that I have been in years, even right now. And it's confusing for me because this was the best relationship I've been in. So if I was a complete mess after others I expected I would be after this one. The fact that I am able to get out of bed in the morning, even if it takes a little while, when I couldn't in the past makes me doubt if this did matter to me as much as the others or if I'm lying to myself. I know this one meant the most. I also know, in part thanks to this relationship, I'm a lot healthier of a person now (as much as I still have things to work on). I don't feel completely helpless and have zero hope for the future, I don't have thoughts of hurting myself or of death. This just means that I'm learning what it's like to go through a break up when I'm mentally stable. It doesn't mean I love her any less or that our relationship didn't mean as much to me. It meant the world. And it's just as okay that the first reaction when my alarm goes off is to turn over and then I say "fuck" to myself when I remember she's not there.... it's just as okay that that happens as it is that I'm able to get out of bed and start my day a few minutes later. I'm learning what it's like to be sad but still able to "function". I'm trying not to feel guilty about it. <3

Honesty

I hate that I'm hurting someone I love. I hate it. There's nothing more I can say right now than that.

In a relationship you are guaranteed a hug almost every single day

But now is the time that I need them the most. I feel horrible about this and I'm still doubting a little bit if I made the right decision. I just want to stop hurting people and I want the pain to stop for myself. Being alone is so hard. Before this year I've never ended a relationship and wondered if I could find a better one (except maybe my first, but who doesn't do that?). But first I need to create a better me. I need to deal with pain and I need to deal with this. And I need to not run away from this stuff. So far I haven't. I need to find a hobby when I'm home. Not sure what that will be yet. I wake up everyday and get out of bed. Some days it's really hard, like today. But I was able to help someone today. I had a wonderful session with a client. For a couple of hours after that I felt like a great guy. What's giving me hope is knowing that I'll feel even better than that on the day that I help myself. I'm excited I'm taking a huge and important step towards that tomorrow. Counseling. <3