Tonight's another night alone

I should get in my car and drive west. Run away from this new year.



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The same story for the.... ( i cant remember how many times)

maybe this one i can at least feel go at the end


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What's the point?

I don't get how some people love just running to drugs or alcohol whenever they have a problem. I mean, sure it's nice to get away. But there are so many fucking better ways. I don't get how people realize that it fucks them up more, but still do it. It brings them more pain. There's other places to turn. And I could show you, but you won't see things you don't want to. It makes me want to give up. Nothing else does. But those words, I don't understand it. If that becomes you're life then all I can say is I hope very soon you realize how much you are missing out.


and i love that the songs you sing are written about girls just like you
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Seven Pounds

Love is the movement


Tomorrow I hope I make someone's day, and maybe even change the direction they're headed in in life.



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Same thing as last year.

Sitting alone listening to "Yule shoot your eye out" repeatedly . It feels comforting in a few different ways I think. I hope I never forget to do this. I think this is my favorite part of the holidays. Ya, I know, fucked up right? Oh well, go unwrap your presents on the morning and be happy. Don't forget though, love doesn't come in a box.



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I won't be a Rockstar.

This is something that has been hitting me lately. I won't get a band, I won't go anywhere with one if I did. Over the past few months this has started to takeover in my head. If it's wrong, college is to blame. But as much as I can have my heart set into it, I need to find other people that want it as bad as me. And that just isn't happening. I'm losing faith, so maybe It's my own fault. I don't really know what else to do though. I go through a lot of phases. Some repeat. It shows in my writing. Maybe this is just another one of those, or maybe it really is different. "Believers never die". But I already did a long time ago. I said I'd throw this all away for something, and I think that's my biggest weakness. Anyway, I'm going to try to become a "better person". I'm going to try to help people. Get really involved in TWLOHA. That is something good, and worth living for. And I'm always going to love FOB and all of this. And hopefully I will still always write. But I just hope in God's eyes, or who ever it is to which we are their snow globe which we are all stuck inside, I hope I seem worthwhile. Maybe life isn't worth living, but we can try to change that.

If im disappointing myself, and no one is here to notice as i runaway; then I can go on in life living a perfectly hidden lie.
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The dollar isn't the only thing that's down

The snow keeps people inside. Gives me a chance to get out and not be around everybody. "It all looks so nice now". Funny, because it looked nice before, but you didn't notice. I don't feel as alone as I did last time this year. Maybe that'll change tomorrow. But it's not all because of false hope. It's because I'm realizing that I have some good friends. What would happen if we were both alone? I think it's a question that brings fear. But let's come to an answer. We can keep it our little secret. I'm still asking for one more last kiss. It's kinda sad. I know what feeling I love. I just need to figure out how to feel it without also feeling lonely. Snowflakes falling everywhere. I just want someone to walk with through it all. It's a lot to ask, but it's the only thing I'm asking. I guess I've buried myself in too big of a hole. I won't be found until the green grass shows. And It'll be too late. But that is everyone's story isn't it? Or at least what everyone thinks or wants to think theirs is. Having someone telling you what you feel is way easier than figuring out it all on your own. But this also has been said. This is the same sad story everyone has. And right now I'm not doing a good job telling mine. So I'll end it with this for tonight:

Making the heartache a headache doesn't help.

I could be on stage at madison square garden in front of a sold out crowd full of people whose life's I've changed for the better.
But there will always be that one thing that can make me leave it all without regret.

that's all i got


slipping away,
<3

It's not cold enough to snow outside, but there's a blizzard in my heart

Memo to self:
If your not feeling used,
then you aren't feeling anything real


<3

finals suck

dying to get home tomorrow and listen to folie a deux repeatedly.



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insights. my heart at these moments

Snow outside is fun. It makes me happy until I have to accept that it means christmas is almost here. Call me Scrooge, but I'm not looking forward to it one bit. Christmas is great if you have somebody to love, but if you don't it sucks. I feel like there is no one in my life right now I can hug for a long time with a lot of meaning. I miss that. Having someone in your life like that is a really great thing to have. If you do, then go give them a hug tomorrow. You don't need a reason. And if you don't, then I'm giving you a huge hug right now. What do I do with my life? I think right now, more importantly (at least to anyone reading this); is what has happened with my writing? I've been missing the poetic little sayings lately.

Let's all realize something.
No matter how much of a negative feeling you have towards a person, when they die, you feel remorse. Luckily, that has yet to happen with me. I wonder if most people do feel remorse. Because that would be them realizing that there was a chance that they could've reconnected with that person. That they could have fixed their problems. It is always possible. It's kept me on this place we call earth a lot the past few years. Just knowing that there is a chance that I might be able to talk to one particular person which I haven't since a harsh departing. But harsh departing and bad endings just show that you cared. And there is nothing wrong with that is there? If everyone showed they cared, this world would be "perfect". But that will never happen.

I always throw my heart out there. I will meet someone and tell them my deepest secrets. Sometimes it works out great. But I get confusing responses sometimes when I feel like I connect with someone, but then I feel like they push me away. They won't answer my calls, they won't respond to my texts or messages. This is the kind of girl that makes me lose it. This is the second worst pain I've had, but in some ways the most serve because I've let it last the longest. This is what was driving my hate for a year and a half. And because I could never talk to that person, I was left with anger and unsure how to let it out. Sometimes it was on myself, others it was on friends. I regret that. I realize it now. Maybe I would still have some of my closest friends had I not been doing that. Recently someone like this came into my life again, and I was able to let go before I got in too deep. Letting go is so hard for me. I don't understand these types of people. They show pain, but no sign of wanting help. Usually I see that in people, but some I can't. And I dwell on that. It's hard to let go. That's how I've ended up at my worst.

I've realized that almost no one has stayed with me through my life. So does that mean that I'm not an easy person to get along with? That I don't treat others fairly? Or does that just show that this world is fucked up, and no one is really real?

I'm trying to figure out my past and help people realize that they should have a future and give life more of a chance to try to make sense of it all. I'm going to tell the truth, no matter how much it hurts. Unless I think you can't handle it. In that case I will help you make yourself stronger until you can handle it in my eyes. "The truth hurts worse*". Breaking up hurt the worst. What does that mean? But moving on, I will do anything. And I mean anything, for my friends. If I really believe you are one, then I won't let you down. If I do, I'll do it on my death bed. Its so hard to find people like that. We don't show we care enough, but when there's an obvious chance for it, we all jump at it. Example- a girl can be sitting alone at a lunch table, and no one will go sit with her. But if that girl is crying in the hallway, odds are, a few different people will go up to her. It makes me remember this girl in my school. She loved FOB. I new that, but I never was able to have a conversation with her. I wanted to. Stupid me. But she went by me in a rush in the hall one day and I could tell that she was crying and/or had been. I let her go. I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry. In one way or another I will be helping people in my life. I'm just trying to figure out which way is the best/ most likely. It's a tough decision.
I tried to make that just of what I knew for sure right now in my life. But I couldn't do that. We never know everything. And what we know is always tied to what we are trying to figure out.

I'll go asked to be prescribed to pills again when they make one that gets rid of all of the anger inside of a human body.
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thank you

she showed me that i wasn't worth her time.


let's spend a night together with our clothes on (for once)


next time i wont have just some little stupid saying
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Give me two hours (maybe less)

and then I'll give you the rest of your life if you still want to go down the path you're headed.


Where you think you are


normal


the strength of my heart


you












the strength of my heart when it comes to you

Dear the newest one to attempt to ruin my heart,

I regret spending one of the best days of this year with you. I wish we left you in the car. Or better yet out in the rain. Or best of all, back at your dorm room. That was my day way more than it will ever be yours. I wish you were sent to the back of the line. I should've made you go there.




Fuck off,
The broken item you attempted to destroy (which I call my heart)

I know it, but it's hard to live it.

True Love isn't something you can look for. It just has a way of finding you.


<3

And you know the worst part,

I let you

You did this

I can't sleep. I want to just take a knife and cut "I miss u" into my arm. I'm sorry I'm thinking about u. But sometimes I need to. Saying u don't want me to ever think about u again is saying u want me dead. Maybe u realize that. True Love is something we have. I'm wondering now, if the cd I've listened to so many times before I fall asleep is about a true first love or not. People don't usually write songs about girls like u. I was wrong when I started writing to write shit about u. I didn't understand, so I told myself u were someone we both knew u weren't. And then the hate started flowing. But I try everynight before I surrender my mind to sleep, to remember the real u and the real us.
These days have sucked. The person to blame knows who she is. Running away from me at the moment. I'll catch up if I still give a shit. I know her type all to well.
this is to someone different:
Try to control your own fucking life. You have it worked out well don't you? Fuck up your life for yourself just enough so you can use it as an excuse whenever someone tries to really help you. Everyone is different. But I don't want to waste my time trying to figure out how different one piece of shit is different from the other. Grabbing a little sign of what you think is love everywhere you can. But when you throw together all of your pieces, no matter how many you get, you're going to fall short. It just won't work. Your not getting by. I have the advantage, and from now on I always will. You won't let anyone in because you are too scared to know the truth. I bet you'd use your body to get out of talking. I wouldn't know, we rarely got past the part where I'd call and you'd make sure not to answer. Because of your stubborness, I feel insecure. It makes me want to burn your house down. When you come running out, instead of water I'll dump gasoline on you. Then you can try to put the fire out with all of those tears you can let out all to well at any instant. Steal what I thought was a friend, and make him your boy. Do it again, just to treat me like a toy. Once that finger slid in your pants you had him, and you always will. You knew what you were doing, and you knew it well. That was your push, and I fell. But I'm getting up now, so I'd pack up and leave. Cause you just made a side of me. A side that should never been seen. I'm taking off the mask to show the scars. You'll flinch and look away at first. When you look back you won't believe what you see. Blood takes up more of the floor than it doesn't. Just leave it here for a minute. I know You can wash that up in an instant. I could be lying dead on the floor, and your lies would still control the room. You can talk your way out of ruinging this friendship. But you couldn't leave this town without looking back on it. Your name is the only thing that will be burried deeper than my soul in hell. So why not, make it worth it. Go for the party scene next year. While your driving home drunk, I hope you turn the wrong way off the cliff.

Now that some of this is off my chest. I will try to go to bed.
This weekend better keep the drama with it when it ends.
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I just figured out something big.

basically why I've been such a dick to a lot of my friends in the past. And why I hold such high expectations. I think I can change that now. I think if he saw me now, he'd like me. And that right there is all the satisfaction I need out of this day to be able to fall asleep right now. So good night. And to those of you who are staying up late, don't worry, I'll be back with you soon.

Thanks to all of my friends who have stuck through it all. Really, thanks.
Well that's really only one.
But thanks also to those of you who have stuck with me through most of it.
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