insights. my heart at these moments

Snow outside is fun. It makes me happy until I have to accept that it means christmas is almost here. Call me Scrooge, but I'm not looking forward to it one bit. Christmas is great if you have somebody to love, but if you don't it sucks. I feel like there is no one in my life right now I can hug for a long time with a lot of meaning. I miss that. Having someone in your life like that is a really great thing to have. If you do, then go give them a hug tomorrow. You don't need a reason. And if you don't, then I'm giving you a huge hug right now. What do I do with my life? I think right now, more importantly (at least to anyone reading this); is what has happened with my writing? I've been missing the poetic little sayings lately.

Let's all realize something.
No matter how much of a negative feeling you have towards a person, when they die, you feel remorse. Luckily, that has yet to happen with me. I wonder if most people do feel remorse. Because that would be them realizing that there was a chance that they could've reconnected with that person. That they could have fixed their problems. It is always possible. It's kept me on this place we call earth a lot the past few years. Just knowing that there is a chance that I might be able to talk to one particular person which I haven't since a harsh departing. But harsh departing and bad endings just show that you cared. And there is nothing wrong with that is there? If everyone showed they cared, this world would be "perfect". But that will never happen.

I always throw my heart out there. I will meet someone and tell them my deepest secrets. Sometimes it works out great. But I get confusing responses sometimes when I feel like I connect with someone, but then I feel like they push me away. They won't answer my calls, they won't respond to my texts or messages. This is the kind of girl that makes me lose it. This is the second worst pain I've had, but in some ways the most serve because I've let it last the longest. This is what was driving my hate for a year and a half. And because I could never talk to that person, I was left with anger and unsure how to let it out. Sometimes it was on myself, others it was on friends. I regret that. I realize it now. Maybe I would still have some of my closest friends had I not been doing that. Recently someone like this came into my life again, and I was able to let go before I got in too deep. Letting go is so hard for me. I don't understand these types of people. They show pain, but no sign of wanting help. Usually I see that in people, but some I can't. And I dwell on that. It's hard to let go. That's how I've ended up at my worst.

I've realized that almost no one has stayed with me through my life. So does that mean that I'm not an easy person to get along with? That I don't treat others fairly? Or does that just show that this world is fucked up, and no one is really real?

I'm trying to figure out my past and help people realize that they should have a future and give life more of a chance to try to make sense of it all. I'm going to tell the truth, no matter how much it hurts. Unless I think you can't handle it. In that case I will help you make yourself stronger until you can handle it in my eyes. "The truth hurts worse*". Breaking up hurt the worst. What does that mean? But moving on, I will do anything. And I mean anything, for my friends. If I really believe you are one, then I won't let you down. If I do, I'll do it on my death bed. Its so hard to find people like that. We don't show we care enough, but when there's an obvious chance for it, we all jump at it. Example- a girl can be sitting alone at a lunch table, and no one will go sit with her. But if that girl is crying in the hallway, odds are, a few different people will go up to her. It makes me remember this girl in my school. She loved FOB. I new that, but I never was able to have a conversation with her. I wanted to. Stupid me. But she went by me in a rush in the hall one day and I could tell that she was crying and/or had been. I let her go. I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry. In one way or another I will be helping people in my life. I'm just trying to figure out which way is the best/ most likely. It's a tough decision.
I tried to make that just of what I knew for sure right now in my life. But I couldn't do that. We never know everything. And what we know is always tied to what we are trying to figure out.

I'll go asked to be prescribed to pills again when they make one that gets rid of all of the anger inside of a human body.
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