I'm trying to a more humble person

but learn to put myself first when I need to at the same time. Had an amazing conversation today. You can't put a price on today. It's been fucking great. Really thinking a lot about a phrase that was said today. "You can't be the doormat. You're welcoming, but people just kick their dirt on you and then move on." I don't want to feel used. The only time's we feel used is when we let our hearts get involved.
So I'm trying to not let me heart get involved in certain situations. Because sometimes I don't need my heart to get involved. Today I think I finally realized that I can still change, but remain the person I want to be in the ways I want to. You can use me again and again. You can call me at 3am crying, ask me to help you get through the night, and then never speak to me again. You can ask me to help you get over your social anxiety so you can go to parties and get drunk and end up hooking up with someone. I will encourage you to live even if you continue to never fucking do the things that are true and allow you to feel alive. I will drive hours to be with you even if you fucked up, and we both know it. Why do I do all of this?
Because I have so much hope inside of me. And I just want to share it with you. Because I fucking believe in you. Because from the second I meet you, I will tell you I believe in you. As I continue to learn more about you, I will still believe in you. Once I know your deepest darkest secrets and struggles, I will STILL believe in you. We all deserve that. And maybe we are so broken ourselves that it's hard for us to say we believe. But there's not a single fucking person on this earth that doesn't WANT to believe. So think about that. 6 billion people WANT to believe in you. 6,000,000,000 people want you to not be alone, to be happy, and to know that things are true to you. Think about that.

I finished tonight skyping with a beautiful girl. She doesn't like how she looks but she has the face of an angel and hair that just always seems like a breeze came by and just left it in a way that seems almost perfect. She has a soul that I can connect with. I want her. I want to lay next to this girl, to (at least for awhile) start each day with her, to hang out and do nothing and be totally content with it, to go have fun and act stupid and not care who's watching. I want to be everything good and bad in a way that it's so mixed up that our minds don't have a fucking clue, but our hearts tell us it's right. I want it to be better than the first high off a new drug. And I don't want to go back for another fix, I want this one to never end. Love is more powerful. Doesn't matter what you are trying to compare it to. Love wins.

Believe. Hope. Love. Feel alive.
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Confession

No, I ain't like usher. "Tried to get my Usher on, but I can't let it burn" ....
I don't have a chick on the side that's got on one the way.
ANYWAY : )

Did some reading (The Last Addiction by Sharron A. Hersh) and a lot of thinking today down by the river. I think one of the benches down there is going to become my main place for soul searching, for reading, relaxing, and reflection. So now I can call it the 3 R's in the future, and if you read it, you'll know what I'm talking about and it'll be our little secret.

Today I started asking myself "Who Am I?". When you ask yourself that question, It's fucking hard to answer. Like DAMN! When you get the shallow stuff out of the way... what is there. First I'm thinking, well, in general I am a nice person. But so are millions of others. This is supposed to be what makes me different. And I think that through out all of our emotions, and feelings... they make us all the same thing. If we are happy, so are millions of others. And you could take that to a microscopic level, of the amount of happiness, and every little thing that is making you happy, and that could make you your own individual. But is that really how deep we have to get to see that we are different from everyone else? Microscopic levels? Shouldn't it be screaming back to us every time we look in the mirror? Shouldn't we easily be able to tell? I can't.

So I tried to move on from that question, for now. One of the chapters in the book ended with talking about accepting love. I immediately though of my man Kute, "Are you loving fully, or are you not?" And I started to really think about this. And ask myself this question. I know that I'm not. My past few relationships can tell you that. I was in situations where I knew I couldn't at that time receive the amount of love I was giving. And I'm trying to make sure that doesn't happen again. That the next girl will be someone that can love me the amount I deserve. And that I can accept it.

But from that, I thought about how I've been judgmental a lot. I don't even fully put my heart out there. I mean, I care about people, and I'll be there for you in a second. But I know your flaws. From the second I meet you, I start to think about them. And that's good, because imperfections are what make us who we are (kinda starts to answer Who Am I?). But I remember those imperfections, and I tend to look down on them. And when those people offer me love, I reject it. I remember their imperfections, and I can hold these against that person. Usually just in my head, but that's enough for me. I draw lines, and for me to really accept you as a friend, you have to be above that line. Is that fair? This is where it gets tricky.

I try to accept everyone with open arms. To love everyone. But this is impossible, because I would drag myself down as a person if I did this. I need people around me that I really look up to, so I can try to improve and become better. And it's hard to find, but I keep trying to take the best out of each person. I had very strict lines, until my last relationship. This girl broke those lines. I feel in love with a girl that I didn't think I could ever even have a conversation with. A girl that had gone through a lot of fucked up shit. And I didn't agree with a lot of things about her. BUT AS I LEARNED ABOUT HER, I FELL IN LOVE! I found the good parts, and I held onto them. And they kept us together. (Is this post is starting to get confusing? So does life. Don't give up!) So these lines have been shaky in my life since her. I don't know where to draw the line. Who to let in real close, and who not to. And please don't get me wrong and think I have a line of people wanting to be my best friend. I have a very few close friends, and I'm more broken, and feel lonely more than you think. But where the fuck do I draw that line?

To help someone, you need a mix of both reality and compassion. Just reality, and you will push them away. Just compassion, and you will be enabling them. You need a mix. I feel like this is true for every relationship in life. And I want to (I feel like I do a good job at trying) to really love the people I meet, and the people in my life. But I fuck up with the reality part sometimes. I either don't give enough, or give too much. I think a good amount of the reason I'm lonely and don't have a lot of friends is because of this. So I'm struggling with it. And I'm trying to change. But it's hard. Because change comes through time and experiences. And It's hard to meet other people down here. And I have this with the 5 people I'm living with to an extent, but not to a big extent. Not yet anyway (I hope for the sake of community it comes!). I'm looking forward to this week. I have a few one on one conversations I'll be looking forward too. I have an event that might go well. We shall see.

So who am I? Let's go back to this for a minute. What starts to define us are our imperfections. From there it continues to how we cope/deal with them, and what we learn. Well, I've learned a lot. I've coped with a decent amount, though I also know I've kept a lot in. My imperfections: I'm inpatient. I'm exactly what you don't want but what you need. I care "too much" (I hope for as long as I live, if you tell me I care too much, I respond with "fuck you"). Thought I'm trying to not do this as much, I will put others first, before myself, ALWAYS. If you ask for help, I will do everything I can to help you. I have yet to meet a person that I wouldn't feel comfortable, telling "I FUCKING BELIEVE IN YOU" I would be happy with sitting down and hearing peoples stories everyday (oh wait, I'm doing that now!). My favorite thing to do, is probably offer hope to the hopeless. To walk alongside someone whose in darkness and search for the light with them. Then try to move towards it. I live for redemption. And I'm learning more and more everyday what that means. Ask me about this stuff. I would love to talk about it. To hear your thoughts. Conversations are priceless. Let's have one. You'll make me feel alive.

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Life is happening.

I love that phrase lately. Really makes me think. Trying to do a lot of thinking down here. Today harsh realities were brought to light. All I care about is coming out of a situation with something good. Usually that means being able to truthfully say that I learned something. And I can say that today.
I want to pour my heart into someone/something. Someone I love or something that I believe in. But I'm learning that "In the real world" that doesn't happen. FUCK THE REAL WORLD. Okay, now I can move on with my thoughts. I don't really pour my heart into myself. I don't love myself a whole lot. I am very hard on myself. And maybe I do need to change that. I know I need to. But I like pushing it off. Figuring that that's something I can do later on. Because as much as it prevents me from loving myself more, I pour that love onto others. I love doing that. I feel like that's what makes me who I am. So it's tough.
I have to figure out myself, to figure out myself. Yeah.
Lot's of thinking lays ahead this weekend. What do I invest my self-worth in? That's kind of the question I'm struggling with right now. And it's a big question.
Do I keep being my own person, and doing what I feel like kind of defines me, pouring my heart out, or do I try to do what's "best for me" and put myself first.... this is life.

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"This is the scariest thing I've ever done in my life"

Hopefully it's not the last time I say that. Let me start with this. I was WRONG in one thing I said in my last post. I shouldn't want to go back to being the person I was last spring. That will never happen. Things have changed. I shouldn't try to be someone I was in the past, I should try to be the best person I can for the future.
Why is it so hard? Why is it so hard to find good things to do? To find the right things to do? It's a struggle. There were great parts to this weekend, but I feel like it could've been any weekend back home. I came down here to CHANGE. TO BE DIFFERENT. I'm not really sure what kind of balance I want in my life between helping people/doing things that are good, having fun, and relaxing. So far, I feel like there's been too much relaxing. There's one great thing about here, the 9-5. Not in a work sense. In a sense that everyday I get to read messages from people that are going through so much pain. I say get to, because it is such a privilege. This is a start. This is a start, but if you know me, you'll know it's not an end. I always want to do more. I feel like I can be doing so much more. I hope I'm not alone with this. But I want to be more involved. I think part of that comes from my heavy/big/strong/what ever you want to call it heart. Go back and read my blog from about a month ago. It's called "I'm a people person"
I know I can't help you if you don't want help. I know I can't force you to see hope. But damn it, I can try to show hope to every single person that is fucking looking for it. And I can try to help help those who want to be helped. And maybe somehow, it'll all get back to you. Because everything's connected. I want to try to help everyone that wants it. I want to try to offer hope to everyone that's searching for it. AND I WILL FAIL!!!!! I know that. But you can't fucking stop me. I'm going to keep trying. I love anyone that goes down swinging. That's true hope. And this is the best way I know right now to love myself. This is what makes me smile....for real.

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This is life.

I'm sitting outside the bungalow on a rocking bench on the front porch. It's 67 and Sunny out. I'm NOT listening to music, but rather the sounds of nature, silence, and anything else that passes by. Today is beautiful.
I haven't written on here in awhile. I've really been trying to have conversations with people, to be more interactive. I feel like I can get more out of a conversation, because I can learn not only about myself, but also others. But I think there's a deeper reason to why I haven't written on here. I'm scared. See, when I say things in a conversation, it's different than when I write something down. Writing something down leaves it there. It's permeant. We were working in the office the other day, and I was writing with a pencil. One of the staff made a joke that I was scared to use pen, cause I couldn't erase my answers. I grabbed a pen, though I only had a pencil because when I stuck my hand in my bag, I grabbed a pencil and not a pen.

But this is similar to that idea. I'm an ever changing person. I'm always learning. It's hard to find things I say that I feel are totally true. And I want to write things that are true. Because I feel like it's such a struggle to find things in this world, and in our own lives, that are completely true. But I've been drawn to reading and connecting with one guy (http://askheychris.livejournal.com/) lately. And most of his work is talking about how we need to just feel, believe, and do things in our lives. Behind all of it, he's so fed up with people that just sit around and do nothing. And he's fed up with people that could do more, but don't. I can relate to this.

I went for a walk this morning, to go sit by the river on a bench and read. I passed by two homeless men sitting on benches. Some peoples mind set is to judge them, think they're worthless, or just try to ignore it. As I walk by, inside my head I'm screaming to myself "Say something!!! Offer to take this dude out for lunch or something!!!" But I just walked by. I didn't do anything. And this makes me just as bad as the people that think negative things. If you can relate to this struggle, I hope you feel like shit about it a little bit like I do. I hope you find the strength to give yourself that little kick in the ass that can help you make a difference.
I really miss the person I was last spring. And I feel like the difference is now, I'm not as hopeful. I use to not really worry about the consequences of things, I use to not think about if I do something for this person, will it mean something to them, can they learn something out of it? I use to just fucking do things. Now I'm much more focused on the negatives. On the brokenness. How the fuck can I be hopeful when I'm doing this? I've had moments this week that I've missed sex. And laying next to someone. And feeling something more than a friendship. But I realize all of these moments are because I'm not feeling and thinking enough!!! These memories come back up and into my head for the pure reason that I get lonely in a moment. And I realize I need to allow myself to be more connected. So I cannot be so lonely.
I sat on that bench by the river for awhile asking myself "Who am I?" and really trying to search for an answer. I don't know what people think of me, or remember me for. In certain moments, I can be an asshole, a completely energetic person, immature, rude, judgmental, and just an all around douchebag. But I try to be, and want to be more than all of that, a person that really genuinely cares about people. A person that, as much as I can be, am open to becoming a better person.
"Everyday I try to be a little less shitty of a person" - Christopher Gutierrez.
Now read that quote again with a hopeful mindset. It makes all the difference.


Thankful for being where I am in life right now.
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