This is life.

I'm sitting outside the bungalow on a rocking bench on the front porch. It's 67 and Sunny out. I'm NOT listening to music, but rather the sounds of nature, silence, and anything else that passes by. Today is beautiful.
I haven't written on here in awhile. I've really been trying to have conversations with people, to be more interactive. I feel like I can get more out of a conversation, because I can learn not only about myself, but also others. But I think there's a deeper reason to why I haven't written on here. I'm scared. See, when I say things in a conversation, it's different than when I write something down. Writing something down leaves it there. It's permeant. We were working in the office the other day, and I was writing with a pencil. One of the staff made a joke that I was scared to use pen, cause I couldn't erase my answers. I grabbed a pen, though I only had a pencil because when I stuck my hand in my bag, I grabbed a pencil and not a pen.

But this is similar to that idea. I'm an ever changing person. I'm always learning. It's hard to find things I say that I feel are totally true. And I want to write things that are true. Because I feel like it's such a struggle to find things in this world, and in our own lives, that are completely true. But I've been drawn to reading and connecting with one guy (http://askheychris.livejournal.com/) lately. And most of his work is talking about how we need to just feel, believe, and do things in our lives. Behind all of it, he's so fed up with people that just sit around and do nothing. And he's fed up with people that could do more, but don't. I can relate to this.

I went for a walk this morning, to go sit by the river on a bench and read. I passed by two homeless men sitting on benches. Some peoples mind set is to judge them, think they're worthless, or just try to ignore it. As I walk by, inside my head I'm screaming to myself "Say something!!! Offer to take this dude out for lunch or something!!!" But I just walked by. I didn't do anything. And this makes me just as bad as the people that think negative things. If you can relate to this struggle, I hope you feel like shit about it a little bit like I do. I hope you find the strength to give yourself that little kick in the ass that can help you make a difference.
I really miss the person I was last spring. And I feel like the difference is now, I'm not as hopeful. I use to not really worry about the consequences of things, I use to not think about if I do something for this person, will it mean something to them, can they learn something out of it? I use to just fucking do things. Now I'm much more focused on the negatives. On the brokenness. How the fuck can I be hopeful when I'm doing this? I've had moments this week that I've missed sex. And laying next to someone. And feeling something more than a friendship. But I realize all of these moments are because I'm not feeling and thinking enough!!! These memories come back up and into my head for the pure reason that I get lonely in a moment. And I realize I need to allow myself to be more connected. So I cannot be so lonely.
I sat on that bench by the river for awhile asking myself "Who am I?" and really trying to search for an answer. I don't know what people think of me, or remember me for. In certain moments, I can be an asshole, a completely energetic person, immature, rude, judgmental, and just an all around douchebag. But I try to be, and want to be more than all of that, a person that really genuinely cares about people. A person that, as much as I can be, am open to becoming a better person.
"Everyday I try to be a little less shitty of a person" - Christopher Gutierrez.
Now read that quote again with a hopeful mindset. It makes all the difference.


Thankful for being where I am in life right now.
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