Confession

No, I ain't like usher. "Tried to get my Usher on, but I can't let it burn" ....
I don't have a chick on the side that's got on one the way.
ANYWAY : )

Did some reading (The Last Addiction by Sharron A. Hersh) and a lot of thinking today down by the river. I think one of the benches down there is going to become my main place for soul searching, for reading, relaxing, and reflection. So now I can call it the 3 R's in the future, and if you read it, you'll know what I'm talking about and it'll be our little secret.

Today I started asking myself "Who Am I?". When you ask yourself that question, It's fucking hard to answer. Like DAMN! When you get the shallow stuff out of the way... what is there. First I'm thinking, well, in general I am a nice person. But so are millions of others. This is supposed to be what makes me different. And I think that through out all of our emotions, and feelings... they make us all the same thing. If we are happy, so are millions of others. And you could take that to a microscopic level, of the amount of happiness, and every little thing that is making you happy, and that could make you your own individual. But is that really how deep we have to get to see that we are different from everyone else? Microscopic levels? Shouldn't it be screaming back to us every time we look in the mirror? Shouldn't we easily be able to tell? I can't.

So I tried to move on from that question, for now. One of the chapters in the book ended with talking about accepting love. I immediately though of my man Kute, "Are you loving fully, or are you not?" And I started to really think about this. And ask myself this question. I know that I'm not. My past few relationships can tell you that. I was in situations where I knew I couldn't at that time receive the amount of love I was giving. And I'm trying to make sure that doesn't happen again. That the next girl will be someone that can love me the amount I deserve. And that I can accept it.

But from that, I thought about how I've been judgmental a lot. I don't even fully put my heart out there. I mean, I care about people, and I'll be there for you in a second. But I know your flaws. From the second I meet you, I start to think about them. And that's good, because imperfections are what make us who we are (kinda starts to answer Who Am I?). But I remember those imperfections, and I tend to look down on them. And when those people offer me love, I reject it. I remember their imperfections, and I can hold these against that person. Usually just in my head, but that's enough for me. I draw lines, and for me to really accept you as a friend, you have to be above that line. Is that fair? This is where it gets tricky.

I try to accept everyone with open arms. To love everyone. But this is impossible, because I would drag myself down as a person if I did this. I need people around me that I really look up to, so I can try to improve and become better. And it's hard to find, but I keep trying to take the best out of each person. I had very strict lines, until my last relationship. This girl broke those lines. I feel in love with a girl that I didn't think I could ever even have a conversation with. A girl that had gone through a lot of fucked up shit. And I didn't agree with a lot of things about her. BUT AS I LEARNED ABOUT HER, I FELL IN LOVE! I found the good parts, and I held onto them. And they kept us together. (Is this post is starting to get confusing? So does life. Don't give up!) So these lines have been shaky in my life since her. I don't know where to draw the line. Who to let in real close, and who not to. And please don't get me wrong and think I have a line of people wanting to be my best friend. I have a very few close friends, and I'm more broken, and feel lonely more than you think. But where the fuck do I draw that line?

To help someone, you need a mix of both reality and compassion. Just reality, and you will push them away. Just compassion, and you will be enabling them. You need a mix. I feel like this is true for every relationship in life. And I want to (I feel like I do a good job at trying) to really love the people I meet, and the people in my life. But I fuck up with the reality part sometimes. I either don't give enough, or give too much. I think a good amount of the reason I'm lonely and don't have a lot of friends is because of this. So I'm struggling with it. And I'm trying to change. But it's hard. Because change comes through time and experiences. And It's hard to meet other people down here. And I have this with the 5 people I'm living with to an extent, but not to a big extent. Not yet anyway (I hope for the sake of community it comes!). I'm looking forward to this week. I have a few one on one conversations I'll be looking forward too. I have an event that might go well. We shall see.

So who am I? Let's go back to this for a minute. What starts to define us are our imperfections. From there it continues to how we cope/deal with them, and what we learn. Well, I've learned a lot. I've coped with a decent amount, though I also know I've kept a lot in. My imperfections: I'm inpatient. I'm exactly what you don't want but what you need. I care "too much" (I hope for as long as I live, if you tell me I care too much, I respond with "fuck you"). Thought I'm trying to not do this as much, I will put others first, before myself, ALWAYS. If you ask for help, I will do everything I can to help you. I have yet to meet a person that I wouldn't feel comfortable, telling "I FUCKING BELIEVE IN YOU" I would be happy with sitting down and hearing peoples stories everyday (oh wait, I'm doing that now!). My favorite thing to do, is probably offer hope to the hopeless. To walk alongside someone whose in darkness and search for the light with them. Then try to move towards it. I live for redemption. And I'm learning more and more everyday what that means. Ask me about this stuff. I would love to talk about it. To hear your thoughts. Conversations are priceless. Let's have one. You'll make me feel alive.

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