I fucking love me

I'm thankful I have a book that I can read that I can just fill myself with inspiration and passion from. Because I love the honesty in the words. Because they fucking mean so much to me. It's the little things.
Like holding a door.
Like saying thank you.
Like offering to give a ride home.
Or buy a cup of coffee.

I'm planning on NOT drinking and parting when I go home this weekend. I'm proud of that.
I sent a message tonight, and it made me feel more like a man than I ever have in months.
I hit sent and a huge weight lifted off my chest. I can't fix you, or force you to want to change and be a better person or anything. But I sent a message that I could send to every single person. That tells me that my heart isn't invested in you as much as it is to just caring. Which is going to help me be okay. I can't control a single thing at all about you.
BUT, there are a few things I can control:
I can tell you I care about you.
I can tell you I fucking believe in you.
I can tell you that you matter.
I can "TWLOHA" the fucking shit out of you every single day of my life and mean from my heart every single word I say.
The message can be the same. But the eyes that you look into when it's said... they change.

I feel more like me. Tonight I'm thinking, maybe I don't want to stay down here if I don't get a job. Maybe I don't want to stay down here if I do get a job. I don't want to follow Jamie's dream. I want to follow mine. I'm trying to figure out what that means. Please don't tell me how different I am from others. Especially if it's in a better way. The only person that I should compare myself to is the face that stared back at me in the mirror yesterday.
I've found one person that is broken, and living an honest life. I'm loving this dude. I'm loving reading the things he writes. He doesn't run away from shit. That's what makes him different. I hope that I can be like him in this way.
I'm going to figure out who the fuck it is I want to be, and I'm going to do everything in my power to be that person. And I know it's okay if I don't have that fully figured out.
Tomorrow might suck, or be great, or be similar to today.
I'm fucking ready for it.

What makes me know I'm okay with the shit from Oct-Dec. The fact that I went 2 weeks with having a few drinks every night before I could fall asleep. That one night, I drove through Lowell while drinking. Yes, I've fucked up. I'll admit it. Will you?
What makes me know I'm okay, is that I didn't drink because of anything to do with "you". The "you" could've been anyone. I drank because I knew I was selling myself short (probably like many other people). I have a fucking gift. If there's one thing I'm good at doing in this world, it's walking through shitty parts of people's lives with them and hopefully helping them find the beauty and happiness in it. From there, we learn how to hold onto that happiness, look honesty in the face, and embrace it.

I fucking believe in you. Maybe the move I needed to make wasn't from Lowell to Cocoa. Maybe it was somewhere closer to my hometown.

If you have ever blown off a party to spend the night with a friend who didn't have plans, if you have ever put down your fucking paper due tomorrow to pick up the phone and listen to a friend who needed to talk, if what your gut and heart tells you is more important to you than what society does, if you talk about the awkward/uncomfortable moments in your life instead of trying to pretend they didn't happen, if you have ever played hooky from a day of school or work to do something good that you will remember 20 years from now, then you are my hero. I respect you.

I want to pour my broken heart out to people all over this world. Would you like one of the pieces? What will you do with it?

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Let's talk about sex...

I was at the beach today. Surrounded by attractive girls. Girls that wear bikinis that make you just want to stare. Because they are sexy. Because they are showing you almost their entire ass and all the cleavage they have. There's the part of me like every guy, that enjoys being around this. Before you call me an ass, let's think of what Freud said about sex. But they are hot. Damn, they are hot. I go to work, and the pier is full of so many attractive girls. Walking around, sitting at the bar, talking. Doesn't matter what they are doing. They are begging to be looked at.

I'm trying to step back from all of this. There's a part of me that wants to just go up to these girls and start a conversation. To say hi, and get to know them. But I stop and think. I'm doing this because of what I see. I don't know jack shit about this girl, besides the fact that I think she will look really good in lingerie, and naked. This is how so many people meet in our society. Sex appeal. Because we don't know anything about a person, besides that either consciously, or sub consciously, we'd like to fuck. It's that simple.

What I hate about this, is that it's so much easier to walk up to a girl on the beach who I'm attracted to than to find someone that I can connect with emotionally and really respect. I could walk up to every girl I see and ask her for her number, or if she wants to go out sometime, but I don't. What keeps me from doing that? I don't think it's that I'm scared of rejection. I mess up all the time. I admit it, and usually I can laugh it off. I think that it might go deeper. That maybe it's because I don't want to be shallow, and I don't want to be with someone else that can be that shallow.

Semi different note. It was a long hard night at work. A lot of people from work were going out afterwards. Going to get a drink, or to the club, or whatever. To get drunk and party and run away from their lives. Because they need to relieve the stress for tonight (and probably bigger things too) this way. And I'm almost worried, as I start to work there more... if I'm going to become like that. I don't want that for me. I want a better life (I think a life not doing this is better for me. I'm not saying it is for everyone. Do want you want. I don't think I'm better than anyone.) A happier one. I've thought a lot since I've been down here about meeting girls, making friends, going to parties, and getting drunk. The only people I know down here are those that I work with via TWLOHA. A healthy life style should include friends from outside of work. But how can I do this besides those ways I just mentioned? I guess I'm stuck struggling with an answer for this. I'm not going to go drink or party, or even probably walk up to a girl at the beach and say hi. But... how do I meet people and make friends down here?

I don't want TWLOHA to become my life. That's why I'm so glad I have this job. It gives me a chance to get away from TWLOHA. Because that's needed every now and then. Nothing against the people or organization, sometimes we all just need a break. Especially living in a house with five other people. I know good things are worth waiting for, but I hope I make some awesome friends down here soon. So I can spend my weekends learning more about people through their words than their bodies. Going home next weekend will be nice. It's too cold for the beach in MA.

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Valentine's Day Doesn't have to suck.

I'm writing this after reading this: (http://www.twloha.com/blog/dear-valentines-day).

Saying these things, well, that's hard. Saying those things and meaning them.... not sure.

I want love. I want a girl that is amazing. Or at least a girl to fool me and let me believe that she is amazing for a little while. So just for a little while I can be with her. I want to get lost in a kiss. I want to lay next to someone. Love is the best thing life has to offer. I don't know shit about love compared to what I could. But I know a little bit. I know that being broken and miserable with someone is usually better than waking up alone. I can understand why people desperately look for love. We long for it.

I'll be honest. I don't think the answer to "filling that hole inside us" is God. I don't think so. I just can't comprehend that. And I don't really want to. I can relate to people that AREN'T really religious a lot more than those that are. Asking one person to fill that hole in our life, no. That's not fair.
What I think IS possible is that hole being filled most of the way by community. Sadly, I'm not anywhere near that down here right now. But I believe that I can get there someday. And I will keep hoping and fighting for that day. I believe in people. If you don't agree with this, I will fight you on it until the end.
Tonight was good. Sitting in the room I did, and connecting with the people that I did on the chat... that was good. That "hole" was filled for awhile. I'm thankful for it. I'm waiting and hoping for the day in the (near) future that I get to really connect with some people in person. It's frustrating that it's easier to connect with people online through messages than in real life. It's hasn't been tough for me to connect with people for years. I hope this changes soon. Connections with people are what drive me. It's what makes me feel alive. It's a huge reason as to why I came down here.

Not going into detail about this, cause I'm getting tired.. but true statement: You must love yourself before you can love others. At least to a pretty good extent. Doesn't have to be 100% (it never should), but at least not dislike the person that you are. Let's go with somewhere between Neutral and I like me. I wrote this because I couldn't connect fully with the other blog. As I'm sure a lot of other people can't.

If you believe in God, that's fine. I don't discourage you. I don't disrespect you or think any different of you. But if you've heard some of the stories I have, then you can tell me it's not fair for certain people to either not believe there's a God or to say "Fuck God". There can't be believers without non-believers. It evens out. I'm not sure if I believe in God. I don't think he can fill this hole in my heart. I don't think anything can fully. I'm okay with that. We go through life trying to find things to fill that whole. It can be community, conversations, people, drugs, sex, addictions, and other things. It can be a lot of things. Bono's got one thing right. He says "I still haven't found what I'm looking for." News flash! We never will. We only find bits and pieces. We get to pick those up and put them in our hearts, and maybe just try to fit them back together. Some of us have less pieces than others.
Tonight I'm lonely. Every person that's single will lay in bed and wonder when they will have someone next to them. That doesn't change. Ever.
I'm growing as a writer and a person. I wrote this, and I don't feel as lonely as I have before. I don't feel as miserable. There are things in here other than love and relationships. I'm proud of that.


This is the end of a long day. I'm trying to be positive, but it's difficult. I hope I got my point across. I hope that if I wasn't fully honest and didn't make sense, then I wasn't offensive. If I was honest, and it is real, and it does make sense and I'm offensive... then good! There need to be two sides.
Go ahead and think and feel what you want.
I'm going to bed.

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Conversation

Today is for you. We can sit and talk. You can share with me anything you want. You can randomly say the most difficult and uncomfortable things, and I will give you my full attention and not judge you. It's okay to talk about things. You won't be going through it alone, I will be here with you. We can go have fun. We can chase your dreams. What makes you laugh? Let's go do it! You deserve this. You have your whole life ahead of you, and YOU CAN try to do the things you want to. Forget money, I believe your happiness is richer than everything on Wall Street combined. Let's invest in smiles and laughter. This is the type of market that we can control, so let's make it rise. I am here for you. I want to live for you today. I want to make this a day that you will remember for the rest of your life.

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A new perspective for me

He walked into the merch cave as we were sorting through an order. I had never met him before. Within two minutes, he was sitting down asking, "What's your purpose? Who are you?". These are the kind of people I came down here to be around. People that will sit down and aren't scared to ask the tough questions. I was asking myself these same questions just the night before. But that was much different. That was me letting out my questions and all of the frustrations they carried. That was me just dumping my problems on someone. That was me wanting to cry, because I felt so fucking exhausted.
But this, this was different. This was friendly. It was patient and kind, and it didn't need an answer in this moment. "I'm 32 years old and I just recently figured this out." This was something more special. He told us an answer won't come from this conversation. It will only come from within ourselves. I couldn't agree more. I'm the person that always wants to do more. I have that. I want to keep fighting. I want to go into the hopeless situation and be the only hopeful person there. I want to stand out and challenge people. Doing the work I am now, that's the only healthy way I know how. It's healthy because it helps both me and the other person.
But what's my purpose? Hope. I'm carrying hope, and you can't ever fucking take that away from me. TWLOHA can end tomorrow. You can't take hope away from you. You can't take my desire to impact others away from me either. My desire to challenge others. This is me. This is what I have to offer. This is my "purpose". It doesn't involved religion in a major role right now, unlike many people. But for now, this it is. And I'm okay with that. And I'm fighting and searching for me. Because this is me. You can't change me in these ways. "Because I'm here mother fucker, and we all here mother fucker. And we all mother fuckers mother fucker."
I love me. Do I want to change so I can relate to those that I don't relate to? No, I don't really think I do. Struggles are okay. Struggles happen. Pain, and questions happen. Even if I'm falling down, I still got all of your eyes and ears glued to me. Because we all love this story. I stand tall as I fall. I go down swinging. I get knocked out in the first round. I lose in the bottom of the 9th. I miss the game winning three-pointer. But I'll fucking keep my head up. Because I got that. That's me. That's my purpose.

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Coffee with a legend

Today I got the privilege of grabbing coffee and having conversations with an incredible person. I am so thankful for the people down here that I get to hang out with and form relationships with. They are truly priceless. If I get nothing else out of being down here, I will have the memories of the conversations I have, and the things I learned.
I got so much advice today. I didn't want to say a single fucking word because I know that I have so much to learn. It's incredible to sit down with someone who has experienced so much. A conversation has a different flow, and goes a different way.
But anyway, what I learned today: I feel like I learned an answer today to something I've been struggling with a lot the past few months. I've been struggling with the idea of helping people and being worried that they won't change. That encouraging people can almost seem like enabling them to stay the same in a way. I've been worried that if I invest my time into encouraging people, and I don't see an improvement, then is any good going to come out of it? Or is it just going to be a waste? I've been scared of this. That maybe by caring about and believing in people all im doing is making it easier for them to be the same person they are.

But there's a different way! I learned, or maybe re-learned this today. It's weird cause it wasn't even really part of the conversation, or the ton of invaluable advice that I got today (I'm keeping that to myself : p). If you encourage someone, if you believe in them, and re-valuate them in who they are. If you support them and tell them they are good things... they will start to believe it. And they will sit there, and just maybe start to think about why they are a good person, and why they aren't. If someone learns something about themselves by self-evaluating, it is going to seem more real, and they will be more likely to act on what they learn than if someone just tells that person the same thing about themselves. This requires hope that the person will get enough encouragement and support that they will start to self-evaluate. But hope is something I can live on. That's something I can connect with.

I'm going to try to really do this more.

One other thing, the act of active listening is SOOOOO under-valued in our society. Take the time to really try to listen to someone. To be quite. To not feel like you have to say anything. To ask questions instead of giving advice. If you can go into a conversation with the desire to know someone, and not the desire to be known... that's something special. That's very humble. And I'm not saying don't try to be known, because we all need to be known. But every now and then, push that to the side and just learn about others. That's probably one of the best things you can do in life. It's so rewarding.

Tomorrow you could do something to help make the world a better place. What is it you're gona do?
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