Valentine's Day Doesn't have to suck.

I'm writing this after reading this: (http://www.twloha.com/blog/dear-valentines-day).

Saying these things, well, that's hard. Saying those things and meaning them.... not sure.

I want love. I want a girl that is amazing. Or at least a girl to fool me and let me believe that she is amazing for a little while. So just for a little while I can be with her. I want to get lost in a kiss. I want to lay next to someone. Love is the best thing life has to offer. I don't know shit about love compared to what I could. But I know a little bit. I know that being broken and miserable with someone is usually better than waking up alone. I can understand why people desperately look for love. We long for it.

I'll be honest. I don't think the answer to "filling that hole inside us" is God. I don't think so. I just can't comprehend that. And I don't really want to. I can relate to people that AREN'T really religious a lot more than those that are. Asking one person to fill that hole in our life, no. That's not fair.
What I think IS possible is that hole being filled most of the way by community. Sadly, I'm not anywhere near that down here right now. But I believe that I can get there someday. And I will keep hoping and fighting for that day. I believe in people. If you don't agree with this, I will fight you on it until the end.
Tonight was good. Sitting in the room I did, and connecting with the people that I did on the chat... that was good. That "hole" was filled for awhile. I'm thankful for it. I'm waiting and hoping for the day in the (near) future that I get to really connect with some people in person. It's frustrating that it's easier to connect with people online through messages than in real life. It's hasn't been tough for me to connect with people for years. I hope this changes soon. Connections with people are what drive me. It's what makes me feel alive. It's a huge reason as to why I came down here.

Not going into detail about this, cause I'm getting tired.. but true statement: You must love yourself before you can love others. At least to a pretty good extent. Doesn't have to be 100% (it never should), but at least not dislike the person that you are. Let's go with somewhere between Neutral and I like me. I wrote this because I couldn't connect fully with the other blog. As I'm sure a lot of other people can't.

If you believe in God, that's fine. I don't discourage you. I don't disrespect you or think any different of you. But if you've heard some of the stories I have, then you can tell me it's not fair for certain people to either not believe there's a God or to say "Fuck God". There can't be believers without non-believers. It evens out. I'm not sure if I believe in God. I don't think he can fill this hole in my heart. I don't think anything can fully. I'm okay with that. We go through life trying to find things to fill that whole. It can be community, conversations, people, drugs, sex, addictions, and other things. It can be a lot of things. Bono's got one thing right. He says "I still haven't found what I'm looking for." News flash! We never will. We only find bits and pieces. We get to pick those up and put them in our hearts, and maybe just try to fit them back together. Some of us have less pieces than others.
Tonight I'm lonely. Every person that's single will lay in bed and wonder when they will have someone next to them. That doesn't change. Ever.
I'm growing as a writer and a person. I wrote this, and I don't feel as lonely as I have before. I don't feel as miserable. There are things in here other than love and relationships. I'm proud of that.


This is the end of a long day. I'm trying to be positive, but it's difficult. I hope I got my point across. I hope that if I wasn't fully honest and didn't make sense, then I wasn't offensive. If I was honest, and it is real, and it does make sense and I'm offensive... then good! There need to be two sides.
Go ahead and think and feel what you want.
I'm going to bed.

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