"It's not goodbye, it's see ya later"

This week has been crazy. It feels like there's no time to slow down, relax, and reflect. A lot has been going on and been a part of this last week of my internship. Tuesday we got to go to Jamie's house and chill on the beach with the staff. Then we all went out for a very nice dinner (I enjoyed a steak!) in the evening. Some speeches were given, and we got a few going away and thank you presents. It has been a week full of events and spending time together, because we realize how little of it we have left.

This morning, the first two interns left, and already the Bungalow feels different. I'm moving out Monday, and I'm the lucky one, because I have a lot less to miss. I can't say I'm going to miss Florida, because I'll be here. I can't say I'm going to miss the staff, because I'll be seeing them all the time. But I will miss working in the office everyday. I will miss the messages, and I will miss the people behind them. I will never forget about 2 particular messages that I responded to. Two very broken girls in very very broken places. I poured my heart into those responses. I can't say I felt confident and 100% sure that I gave my all to every single message the past four months, but I know I did in these two. Anyway, neither of them ever wrote back. I will forever hope that they are doing okay, though not knowing can be very difficult.

I will also miss the interns. I said last night that I wish I didn't push and want things as much, and just appreciated things for what they are. We had a lot of great times, and this is a great group of people. I have no doubt that everyone of them has the potential to do great things in this world, and will reach many people with love and support.... that means a lot when you've lived with someone for 4 months. I know I will have time to reflect the next 6 months, and I'm sure a lot of it will be on the past 4 months. I will learn more about myself and the community I lived in. Maybe I'll learn to even have more of a appreciation for all the little things in it.

I can't say I don't have regrets, because we all wish things were a little different. But I can honestly say with my whole heart, that I would do this all over again in a heartbeat. Thanks for the memories. I will hold onto them forever. Today I am bittersweet.

TWLOHA Spring Interns 2011.
We are part of a bigger story.
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Today means new beginnings for a lot of people.

It's Easter. Come on people, you should know by now how I feel about Holidays. So let's move on.
In one week, I will be moving into my new apartment. I'm getting rather scared as well as excited about the whole thing. I want to make a list of things that I can do, slash I hope to do while I'm down here this summer. I'm going to do it on here. I want to first say though, a interesting comment I heard the other day. We can all have times where we say something like "I can't wait to get out of this town" or "I need to get out of this place, there's nothing to do!" If you have bad memories in a place, then I might be able to understand why you would say the first comment. I would encourage you to stay and fight those things that make it difficult, but I can't say that's always easy. I mean, look at me. I came down to Florida, so you could say I ran away in a sense. Secondly, if you feel like there's nothing to do, it's probably not the place, it's probably you. Get excited, get motivated, and find new things to do. If you just want something to do, then go do something! Think of new things you'd like to try, and go try them. It's not always easy, and it does take motivation. I can't tell you how to find motivation, but I hope you do.

I decided for the first 30 days I'm down here, I'm going to try to focus on myself. Not so much reaching out to others, but just myself. I haven't reached out to others a lot since I've been down here in Jan, but I don't know really who I feel like I am without being that person. So I'm going to try to learn more about what else makes me who I am, besides reaching out.

My list of things to do for the next 30 days (starting May 1st):
Run 50 miles
Do 2,000 push-ups
Practice guitar, learn 3 songs (will pick songs soon)
Create a book of truths (more on this later)
Go out to eat alone... twice
Go explore a new town/city
Try to cook 5 meals I've never made before
Limit Alcohol spending to $50


This is a start. I will come back and edit more later.

Hope today is good to you.
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I wish I could write something like this.

"You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Your hair, your eyes, your lips, your body that you haven't grown into, the way you walk, smile, laugh, the way your cheeks drop when you're mad or upset, the way you drag your feet when you're tired. Every single thing about you is beautiful.
When I see you the World stops. It stops and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you. There's nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The World just stops, and it is a beautiful place, and there is only you. Just you, and my eyes staring at you.
When you're gone, the World starts again, and I don't like it as much. I can live in it, but I don't like it. I just walk around in it and wait to see you again and wait for it to stop again. I love it when it stops. It's the best fucking thing I've ever known or ever felt, the best thing, and that, beautiful Girl, is why I stare at you."
-A Million Little Pieces by James Frey

Love conquers all. Even the strongest addictions.

Brokeness: an addiction or a way of life?

We are all broken. This we know. But do you ever wonder how much you look for brokeness? How big of a role it plays in our lives? I realized today how much I LOVE reading blogs from people in broken places. Or at least just honesty. Maybe that's the same in some way. I'm drawn to it. I get my inspiration from it. When I was depressed, I read blogs from Pete Wentz. That was one of the biggest coping mechanisms for me. Reading words of darkness and honesty. It made me want to get through the day. It made me want to relate to others and help them get better. But I always wanted him to stay the same. I always wanted to have a place where I could go and read stuff from someone who was broken. Read words that were written from a broken heart and unbalanced chemicals in the brain. Once I had figured this out, I started trying to be that writer. I wanted to be that for other people. I was this way for a couple of years. Look back on this blog, and you will not see a lot of happy positive posts.

I realized that writing and being that way left me in a deep depression. I struggled to get out of that. The first time I felt like there was chance for a new life, was finding out about TWLOHA. Finding a movement that was so broken, that just focused on the brokeness. I wasn't drawn towards the ideas of getting better, or hope, or the importance of each single life is important. Those were merely benefits. I was drawn towards the idea that "It's okay to not be okay". I want to always feel broken. I want to, because this is where the biggest desire, the strongest passion, and the answers that are so true lay. I love the passion. I love the solid true answers, because I can ask so many more questions knowing I have at least them.

I'm drawn towards this. I have been for the past 5 years of my life. Life was simple, I meant a girl who changed my life and opened my eyes. I lost that girl, and I became a person with a hole. That hole has never left. Every time we lose something, we never fully get over it, or get better. Maybe that hole is 1% compared to the 99% it was years ago. But it's there. And I'm okay with that. It leaves this desire, and a lack of satisfaction. It leaves me being the person I am. I need to figure out if this is the person I should be. If I want to keep having these desires and this feeling of brokeness, or if I want to fight this and try to see a completely new way of life. I don't know if being this way is better or worse. An addiction that's slowly destroying me, or the way I'm supposed to live my life.

I just get confused. Because I haven't felt as dull as I have down here. I haven't felt this lack of desire or passion ever before. I'm wondering if that's this environment, or if it's me. I want to be the best person I can be. I'm just trying to figure it all out.

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This is all over the place

Wow. In a flash things can get hectic. We can become consumed with projects, to do lists, work, and so much more. This was me this week. I'm consumed by the fear that in less than 3 weeks, I don't have a place to live. It started to take me over. It's been a huge point of stress, and it's been on my mind so much. These seasons of life suck.

I believe that it is always important to have times when you can just relax, times when you will be free. Because there are always better things out there, and there is always room for improvement. We ALL have so much to learn out of our lives, and so much that we haven't experienced. Routines can be very good, but it can be easy to become too comfortable in them. This is why I'm okay with sitting home alone some nights. This is why I want to do new things. I don't want to become stuck doing the same things all the time and therefor missing out on great opportunities. I need to slow down more. I need to relax and remember to breathe. It's good to find people that you can do that with. It's good to have people that you know you can count on. Because sometimes we just need someone listening so when we say the words "I'm not okay", they are heard. Heck, sometimes we just need to be heard. Knowing that we're heard can make all the difference.

I'm entering a new chapter in my life very shortly. I'm going to be a new person, but the old me that I love and can put a smile on my face won't ever be gone. "I just feel comfortable talking to you". Those are words that before a few nights ago I haven't heard in months. I haven't heard since I left MA. Those words express who I am. I'm so glad that I'm able to show that side to someone if even just for a little bit, and that they respond to it. This is how connects form and awesome friendships begin for me. "I get by with a little help from my friends" I'm thankful for new beginnings and fresh starts. As sure as I am of anything, I know that the sun will rise tomorrow. The light is there to give you the strength to look into your own eyes. Can you do it? Can you say you love the person staring back at you?

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The sun reflected off the water and blinded me. I couldn't ask for anything more.

I woke up early this morning and went surfing with my buddy. We were out there for a few hours. I'm learning that surfing is a lot of patience. A lot of waiting and watching. I rode a few waves today. I fell more. There is something so beautiful about the fact that I get to start my day shortly after the sun does, being in the water on the east coast. We saw dolphins swim in the distance at one point. Nature is everywhere, and down here I'm reminded to stop and admire it a lot. There are moments that you get lost in. That you're just reminded how lucky you are to be alive, and to have everything you have. I'm thankful for these moments.

I'm getting more and more ready for a few weeks from now. Friday night I put in an application for an apartment. Monday I'll find out if I get it. I'm excited to have my own place. I'm throwing back my arms and saying "I'm ready". Unless these next 3 weeks have meaningful moments, I want them to otherwise fly by. I'm ready for a new chapter, a new page to be turned. I'm going to start to come up with a plan, so that I know I am productive everyday, yet also enjoying life. I want this summer to be a lot about the present, but also finding a better understanding for my future. I have passion inside me that is burning. This is stronger than any forest fire, hurricane, tsunami, or earthquake. This is for the good. This is to help people. Sometimes simple things make your day a lot easier, like a hug from a friend. When I go a few days without a hug, and then I get one.... that's like the best moment in the world.

So hey, tomorrow holds a disaster. Tomorrow is going to feel like the worst day ever in someone's life. Tomorrow many people will die. Someone will get shot. Someone will kill them self. Tomorrow families will get broken up, relationships and friendships will end. Tomorrow there's a chance more hearts will get broken than new ones born into the world. These are the facts based from past research. They are raw, ugly, uncomfortable, scary, and difficult to accept. Let's remember the bad as we embrace the good. Tomorrow is going to be a tough day for a lot of people. One smile from you, or one small kind gesture could make all the difference. This is why we stay alive and keep fighting. We are more powerful than we know. We can influence the entire world. It starts with one heart. A kind smile to a stranger. A hug to a friend. Digging deeper into a loved one's life to show that you really care and want to know what's going on. Tomorrow you can sit home on your ass and stare at a computer screen from the time the sun rises until it sets. Or you can go make a difference. The choice is yours. What will it be?

Hope is more powerful than we could ever imagine. I will be fighting to prove that sentence is right until the day I die.
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Growing up

Tomorrow I have to call places and ask about apartments. This is getting real. I'm not ready to go back home yet. My purpose isn't quite figured out as much as I'd like it to be. So I'm going to take some time to do this. I'm making a promise to myself that the next 3 months will be productive. I will not waste my time watching tv, playing video games, or sitting on the beach everyday. I will work my ass off. I will look in the fucking mirror every morning and stare back until I feel like I understand who I am enough to get through the day. I will go and do good things. New things. Uncomfortable things. I will try everyday to make this world and myself just a little less shitty. I will try to make someone smile, to feel accomplished, and to learn.

I'm going to be alone, and I'm going to fucking learn to handle and deal with it. I will have some friends, and I will hang out with people. But I'm not staying down here for that. I'm staying down here to force myself to learn that I can be okay on my own. Because my biggest fear is that I'll go back up to MA and I will end up alone. I want to be able to know that I can face that and be okay with it. Hey Chris, thanks for reminding my that I always have a smile and two middle fingers. No one can ever take that away from me. The right to choose my attitude. I have dreams of hopes that don't seem realistic. I have dreams to change the mental health world in ways that professionals don't think are possible. I have dreams to go to Africa. I have dreams to live in a house with a family and be a fucking awesome father. I have dreams to be old and never run out of stories, because that's how I want to live my life. I have dreams to walk through all of the things my future holds with a woman I love who also loves me. I have dreams that this woman and I will be together until death does us part, and be happy together. I have my dreams, and I'm going to go after them head on. The ones I CAN control anyway.

The next few months is about me really figuring out who I am. Anybody can get up and go through the day doing productive things when it's expected. When people are counting or depending on you. You go to college because it's expected and your parents pay for it. You go work because you want money. You keep your house clean because of the other people that live with you. This is all getting thrown out the window for me. I have no one to do things for. I have no one I have to keep my place clean for, or work for. I can get up and make my own choices everyday. I can sit around and be lazy. Or I can get off my ass and do things. Let's see how much I can push myself. Let's see how much I can surprise myself. I know I have the potential to change lives. I know I have gifts and tools that I can use. The only person that can hold me accountable for not wasting them is myself. This is figuring out who you truly are. This is a big step.

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New surrender

The past 24 hours have been full of moments that have made me feel like everything is going to be okay. These moments are the ones we live for. They aren't always 100% true, nor 100% real; but they mean so much. We've all been at points where we feel like nothing is going right, and everything's a mess. This is the opposite of that. This is the taste of vanilla ice cream after you ate nothing but chocolate for a week.

I want to feel again like I did back then. I want to feel so comfortable that I can step out of my comfort zone at any moment. Driving back from the beach today, I noticed a homeless man laying on a bench on the side of the road. He was there last night too, when I drove home from work. I wanted to pull over, but I didn't. I told myself if he was there when I left work tonight, I would go offer to buy him a meal and sit and talk. He wasn't there. I miss the old me that would've gone the first time. I miss the old me that didn't give a fuck about the consequences, or judgements, or how difficult, uncomfortable, or inconvenient something was. I fucking did it because it was the right thing to do. There are a ton of questions in our lives. I get simple answers everyday. I get to tell people they matter, that fighting is worth it, and that they were meant for amazing things. I need to figure out how to do that in more ways than just messages. I need to be more comfortable with being myself.

Tomorrow I'm going to look in the mirror at the end of the day and not be disappointed with my choices and who I was in that day. This is more of a goal than a promise. I feel like sometimes I let people down. Because I have amazing potential. I really do, in so many ways. A lot of times, it's never reached. You expect me to be more hopeful and encouraging, but I prove you wrong. I don't want this to be the way things go. I want to reach my full potential. I want to be the good friend. I want to be the one you can call at 3 am and know that I'll answer. I want to be the one that will sit and listen about the fucked up shit you've gone through when you feel like no one else will. I want to be the one that will believe in you and never give up. That will blow off plans, drive an hour at night in the pouring rain to the hospital just to tell you that I'm glad you are still alive after you tried to kill yourself. I want to be the one that will call places and get you the help you need when you don't have the strength to pick up the phone yourself. I want to be the one that will walk through it all with you. I want to be the one that will encourage and be proud of you in the good moments. I want to take you deep into nature when life seems to chaotic. To go for a hike and just take in all of the sites because it's some of the best therapy ever. I want to sit down in offices with professionals and tell them how to make the things they are doing better so we can reach more people and save more lives. I want to be the person that puts his all in trying to see nothing but the good. I want to be the kid I wish I knew when I was depressed. I want to be the best friend that I never had in so many moments I needed in my own life. I want to be your hope, your support, your shoulder to cry on, your crutch, and everything else that can be taken in an admirable and respectful way. I want to change the fucking world.

"Have you always been this happy?"
"No, I've been happier."
I know I can be. I'm going to fight to get back to that spot.

"One less heart to break" Patent Pending

Great song. Check it out. First off, it's April Fools Day, and I don't give a shit. So let's just move on. Go back and read my older blogs about holidays if you want to understand.
30 days left in this house. 30 days. There's a lot of uncertainty in what happens after that. Everyday I'm trying to make the idea of living by myself and only having the job at the pier a little less scary to myself. I'm learning what I have to do to "guard myself". To make sure that I know I'm going to be okay. I'm learning that I have to find something that is mine, that no thing or no one can take away from me. A hobby. Something that I have to always fall on. I don't really have one right now. Writing doesn't always happen. I've been running and doing push-ups (did 51 this morning like I said I would!), but I want something more. Maybe that can start to also be surfing. But I'm not there yet with it.
So why am I doing this? Because I'm scared that I'm going to invest my heart into people, or hopes, or causes and then get let down. It happens, it's life. I'm going to be down here and in some senses, more alone than I ever have been. I'm going to make sure that I'm going to have some things to always fall back on.
This is me changed. Growing? I don't know about that. But changing. I know the person I was a few months ago wouldn't like this or agree with it. And I hope it's temporary. I hope that once I get some more stability in my life I can go back to pouring my heart out. I miss it. I don't reach out to people like I should. Sometimes people reach out to me and I don't have the energy to give any more. I don't like this. This is not the life I will always lead. I'm figuring out me. I want to pour my heart out until I'm hanging on the edge with one hand. I'm just trying to make that hand strong enough to pull myself up. I will always give myself to others. It is one of the biggest characteristics that defines me.

And hey, one more thing on my mind:

1. I hate the number of girls that I've called beautiful. Each one is beautiful in their own way, and I want to describe that to them. They deserve so much more than just one lousy word that gets tossed around a lot. I need to learn to get better with my words. Everyday I say "Your story is important. You matter" to a few people. I hope that they know that those are more than just words. I want to find a better way to show that there is feeling behind them.

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