New surrender

The past 24 hours have been full of moments that have made me feel like everything is going to be okay. These moments are the ones we live for. They aren't always 100% true, nor 100% real; but they mean so much. We've all been at points where we feel like nothing is going right, and everything's a mess. This is the opposite of that. This is the taste of vanilla ice cream after you ate nothing but chocolate for a week.

I want to feel again like I did back then. I want to feel so comfortable that I can step out of my comfort zone at any moment. Driving back from the beach today, I noticed a homeless man laying on a bench on the side of the road. He was there last night too, when I drove home from work. I wanted to pull over, but I didn't. I told myself if he was there when I left work tonight, I would go offer to buy him a meal and sit and talk. He wasn't there. I miss the old me that would've gone the first time. I miss the old me that didn't give a fuck about the consequences, or judgements, or how difficult, uncomfortable, or inconvenient something was. I fucking did it because it was the right thing to do. There are a ton of questions in our lives. I get simple answers everyday. I get to tell people they matter, that fighting is worth it, and that they were meant for amazing things. I need to figure out how to do that in more ways than just messages. I need to be more comfortable with being myself.

Tomorrow I'm going to look in the mirror at the end of the day and not be disappointed with my choices and who I was in that day. This is more of a goal than a promise. I feel like sometimes I let people down. Because I have amazing potential. I really do, in so many ways. A lot of times, it's never reached. You expect me to be more hopeful and encouraging, but I prove you wrong. I don't want this to be the way things go. I want to reach my full potential. I want to be the good friend. I want to be the one you can call at 3 am and know that I'll answer. I want to be the one that will sit and listen about the fucked up shit you've gone through when you feel like no one else will. I want to be the one that will believe in you and never give up. That will blow off plans, drive an hour at night in the pouring rain to the hospital just to tell you that I'm glad you are still alive after you tried to kill yourself. I want to be the one that will call places and get you the help you need when you don't have the strength to pick up the phone yourself. I want to be the one that will walk through it all with you. I want to be the one that will encourage and be proud of you in the good moments. I want to take you deep into nature when life seems to chaotic. To go for a hike and just take in all of the sites because it's some of the best therapy ever. I want to sit down in offices with professionals and tell them how to make the things they are doing better so we can reach more people and save more lives. I want to be the person that puts his all in trying to see nothing but the good. I want to be the kid I wish I knew when I was depressed. I want to be the best friend that I never had in so many moments I needed in my own life. I want to be your hope, your support, your shoulder to cry on, your crutch, and everything else that can be taken in an admirable and respectful way. I want to change the fucking world.

"Have you always been this happy?"
"No, I've been happier."
I know I can be. I'm going to fight to get back to that spot.