Brokeness: an addiction or a way of life?

We are all broken. This we know. But do you ever wonder how much you look for brokeness? How big of a role it plays in our lives? I realized today how much I LOVE reading blogs from people in broken places. Or at least just honesty. Maybe that's the same in some way. I'm drawn to it. I get my inspiration from it. When I was depressed, I read blogs from Pete Wentz. That was one of the biggest coping mechanisms for me. Reading words of darkness and honesty. It made me want to get through the day. It made me want to relate to others and help them get better. But I always wanted him to stay the same. I always wanted to have a place where I could go and read stuff from someone who was broken. Read words that were written from a broken heart and unbalanced chemicals in the brain. Once I had figured this out, I started trying to be that writer. I wanted to be that for other people. I was this way for a couple of years. Look back on this blog, and you will not see a lot of happy positive posts.

I realized that writing and being that way left me in a deep depression. I struggled to get out of that. The first time I felt like there was chance for a new life, was finding out about TWLOHA. Finding a movement that was so broken, that just focused on the brokeness. I wasn't drawn towards the ideas of getting better, or hope, or the importance of each single life is important. Those were merely benefits. I was drawn towards the idea that "It's okay to not be okay". I want to always feel broken. I want to, because this is where the biggest desire, the strongest passion, and the answers that are so true lay. I love the passion. I love the solid true answers, because I can ask so many more questions knowing I have at least them.

I'm drawn towards this. I have been for the past 5 years of my life. Life was simple, I meant a girl who changed my life and opened my eyes. I lost that girl, and I became a person with a hole. That hole has never left. Every time we lose something, we never fully get over it, or get better. Maybe that hole is 1% compared to the 99% it was years ago. But it's there. And I'm okay with that. It leaves this desire, and a lack of satisfaction. It leaves me being the person I am. I need to figure out if this is the person I should be. If I want to keep having these desires and this feeling of brokeness, or if I want to fight this and try to see a completely new way of life. I don't know if being this way is better or worse. An addiction that's slowly destroying me, or the way I'm supposed to live my life.

I just get confused. Because I haven't felt as dull as I have down here. I haven't felt this lack of desire or passion ever before. I'm wondering if that's this environment, or if it's me. I want to be the best person I can be. I'm just trying to figure it all out.

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