Great song. Check it out. First off, it's April Fools Day, and I don't give a shit. So let's just move on. Go back and read my older blogs about holidays if you want to understand.
30 days left in this house. 30 days. There's a lot of uncertainty in what happens after that. Everyday I'm trying to make the idea of living by myself and only having the job at the pier a little less scary to myself. I'm learning what I have to do to "guard myself". To make sure that I know I'm going to be okay. I'm learning that I have to find something that is mine, that no thing or no one can take away from me. A hobby. Something that I have to always fall on. I don't really have one right now. Writing doesn't always happen. I've been running and doing push-ups (did 51 this morning like I said I would!), but I want something more. Maybe that can start to also be surfing. But I'm not there yet with it.
So why am I doing this? Because I'm scared that I'm going to invest my heart into people, or hopes, or causes and then get let down. It happens, it's life. I'm going to be down here and in some senses, more alone than I ever have been. I'm going to make sure that I'm going to have some things to always fall back on.
This is me changed. Growing? I don't know about that. But changing. I know the person I was a few months ago wouldn't like this or agree with it. And I hope it's temporary. I hope that once I get some more stability in my life I can go back to pouring my heart out. I miss it. I don't reach out to people like I should. Sometimes people reach out to me and I don't have the energy to give any more. I don't like this. This is not the life I will always lead. I'm figuring out me. I want to pour my heart out until I'm hanging on the edge with one hand. I'm just trying to make that hand strong enough to pull myself up. I will always give myself to others. It is one of the biggest characteristics that defines me.
And hey, one more thing on my mind:
1. I hate the number of girls that I've called beautiful. Each one is beautiful in their own way, and I want to describe that to them. They deserve so much more than just one lousy word that gets tossed around a lot. I need to learn to get better with my words. Everyday I say "Your story is important. You matter" to a few people. I hope that they know that those are more than just words. I want to find a better way to show that there is feeling behind them.
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