Growing up

Tomorrow I have to call places and ask about apartments. This is getting real. I'm not ready to go back home yet. My purpose isn't quite figured out as much as I'd like it to be. So I'm going to take some time to do this. I'm making a promise to myself that the next 3 months will be productive. I will not waste my time watching tv, playing video games, or sitting on the beach everyday. I will work my ass off. I will look in the fucking mirror every morning and stare back until I feel like I understand who I am enough to get through the day. I will go and do good things. New things. Uncomfortable things. I will try everyday to make this world and myself just a little less shitty. I will try to make someone smile, to feel accomplished, and to learn.

I'm going to be alone, and I'm going to fucking learn to handle and deal with it. I will have some friends, and I will hang out with people. But I'm not staying down here for that. I'm staying down here to force myself to learn that I can be okay on my own. Because my biggest fear is that I'll go back up to MA and I will end up alone. I want to be able to know that I can face that and be okay with it. Hey Chris, thanks for reminding my that I always have a smile and two middle fingers. No one can ever take that away from me. The right to choose my attitude. I have dreams of hopes that don't seem realistic. I have dreams to change the mental health world in ways that professionals don't think are possible. I have dreams to go to Africa. I have dreams to live in a house with a family and be a fucking awesome father. I have dreams to be old and never run out of stories, because that's how I want to live my life. I have dreams to walk through all of the things my future holds with a woman I love who also loves me. I have dreams that this woman and I will be together until death does us part, and be happy together. I have my dreams, and I'm going to go after them head on. The ones I CAN control anyway.

The next few months is about me really figuring out who I am. Anybody can get up and go through the day doing productive things when it's expected. When people are counting or depending on you. You go to college because it's expected and your parents pay for it. You go work because you want money. You keep your house clean because of the other people that live with you. This is all getting thrown out the window for me. I have no one to do things for. I have no one I have to keep my place clean for, or work for. I can get up and make my own choices everyday. I can sit around and be lazy. Or I can get off my ass and do things. Let's see how much I can push myself. Let's see how much I can surprise myself. I know I have the potential to change lives. I know I have gifts and tools that I can use. The only person that can hold me accountable for not wasting them is myself. This is figuring out who you truly are. This is a big step.

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