Nobody likes you when you're 23

I'm 23 years old and I'm learning what it's like to go through a break up. This is different from all the others. I think what bothers me and makes this so confusing is that I try to compare it to others but I can't. I have changed and grown so much. I feel like overall I'm a healthier person that I have been in years, even right now. And it's confusing for me because this was the best relationship I've been in. So if I was a complete mess after others I expected I would be after this one. The fact that I am able to get out of bed in the morning, even if it takes a little while, when I couldn't in the past makes me doubt if this did matter to me as much as the others or if I'm lying to myself. I know this one meant the most. I also know, in part thanks to this relationship, I'm a lot healthier of a person now (as much as I still have things to work on). I don't feel completely helpless and have zero hope for the future, I don't have thoughts of hurting myself or of death. This just means that I'm learning what it's like to go through a break up when I'm mentally stable. It doesn't mean I love her any less or that our relationship didn't mean as much to me. It meant the world. And it's just as okay that the first reaction when my alarm goes off is to turn over and then I say "fuck" to myself when I remember she's not there.... it's just as okay that that happens as it is that I'm able to get out of bed and start my day a few minutes later. I'm learning what it's like to be sad but still able to "function". I'm trying not to feel guilty about it. <3

Honesty

I hate that I'm hurting someone I love. I hate it. There's nothing more I can say right now than that.

In a relationship you are guaranteed a hug almost every single day

But now is the time that I need them the most. I feel horrible about this and I'm still doubting a little bit if I made the right decision. I just want to stop hurting people and I want the pain to stop for myself. Being alone is so hard. Before this year I've never ended a relationship and wondered if I could find a better one (except maybe my first, but who doesn't do that?). But first I need to create a better me. I need to deal with pain and I need to deal with this. And I need to not run away from this stuff. So far I haven't. I need to find a hobby when I'm home. Not sure what that will be yet. I wake up everyday and get out of bed. Some days it's really hard, like today. But I was able to help someone today. I had a wonderful session with a client. For a couple of hours after that I felt like a great guy. What's giving me hope is knowing that I'll feel even better than that on the day that I help myself. I'm excited I'm taking a huge and important step towards that tomorrow. Counseling. <3

(a different kind of) struggle

Break ups suck. That just plain suck. And there's nothing that helps expect acknowledging that they suck and time. And also supports. But it's tough. It's easy to tell yourself or say that you "hate the other person" but that's rarely true. I think a lot of times we will say that because we don't want to deal with the pain. Because they are a really great person. They have a lot of great qualities and that's why we were in a relationship with them in the first place. I think it finally started to hit me this morning when I walking into my apartment and saw that the only stuff left here is mine. I noticed what's gone. It's hard. It's fucking hard. "If we cannot be together, can we at least not hurt each other?" This is my goal for now. To hurt as little as possible. It should always be a goal for everyone. I'm focusing on it right now as my goal because it's good to be reminded of these things. And because it's the only goal I can think of that makes sense. <3

"Having intimate human relationships is the hardest thing we do in our lives. I truly believe that."

Love is something we will continue to learn about throughout our entire lives. I think that's awesome and beautiful. I've started re-reading books by Leo Buscaglia. We can so easily forget the little, simple things. It's good to have reminders. I want to be a better lover. First to myself and then to others. My heart has a soft place for people that I feel do not receive the amount of love they deserve; or maybe just need a little more support. I want to instantly give them the love and support they need. I really think that's why I started dating Beth. She wasn't getting enough love and support. She needed more. More than I could give her as a friend. Because you can only help someone so much as a friend. And it complicates things a lot when they are an extremely sexual person. But I don't want this post to be about her. I'm trying to understand where this place in my heart comes from. I like to call it passion. Where does this passion come from? I remember when I first started struggling with things. I was kind of religious. But if God cared then why would he let me go through this stuff? I feel away from religion. I remember taking a road trip down to Heavy & Light. I remember hearing Aaron G. speak. I remember we were driving back up the coast, somewhere in South Carolina I think. My best friend Chris was driving; Carra and Rachel in the backseat. I had headphones in and got a revelation. I remember taking them off and telling everyone my life just changed. "What if the reason I went through all this stuff before was so I can now relate and help others?". I believe that statement is true. I'm super excited that I'm spending my life helping others. I'm not sure if I believe in God or not anymore but that's another conversation. I think I'm scared though that by getting help now and talking about stuff I'm going to loose some of this passion. Because I think that maybe this passion is fueled by guilt I have. I don't feel anything more extreme in my life than my passion for helping others. And I think that scares me in regards to the friendships and relationships I have. Because if the most intense feelings I've had in my life are caused by underlying guilt... that sucks. And maybe I'm dwelling on the negative cause I'm feeling depressed tonight. I think my passion has changed for other reasons. I've lost heroes. I don't have people I really look up to anymore and see as larger than life (a negative thing about having interned with TWLOHA, though there were many great). That was a huge source of my inspiration. But I'm thinking now too. When I first meet people I love to bring up that I lived in Florida for a year. Maybe because it's different. Or maybe because that's the last time I felt happy. Honestly fully happy. Or maybe it was before that but I was able to lie to myself for part of the time down there. And that's not at all to say that there aren't things or people that make me happy now. There are tons! But since running away down south I've also had this knot in my heart. This is hopeful. To think that maybe I can be happier than I have been in awhile. Happier with myself. I've thought a lot lately also about how I hate hearing compliments. I remember that was the case in Florida. I don't think it comes from being humble (let's be honest, I can be cocky). I think it's because of this guilt I have and I don't want to accept good things. Because I can always do better ("every day I try to be a little less shitty of a person"). It's funny sometimes how I seem to just write the same stuff on here. Over and over again. <3

A new begining that is familiar

"Why are you typing on your computer?!?!?!? I'm a real fucking person and I'm right here in front of you!!!! TALK TO ME!" It was something along those lines that was said to me. A summer in Florida a few years ago now. The last time we really hung out. She was right. She was totally right. I had become too comfortable writing and I wasn't as good at talking as I could've been. I called her crying and asked her to come down and see me because I was a mess. And she did. I was having a hard time being alone. It was the hardest thing I'd done in my life. She had came down there because I needed somebody. And she was right in front of me but I couldn't even talk to her. I'm glad she yelled at me then. She was right and I needed to hear it. So I stopped writing. Not completely at first but a lot. We never talked anymore. This was the only way she knew what was going on in my life. And I guess it helped her to read what was going on in my life/my thoughts/feelings in some way too. She knew I had a big heart. She knew I cared. But the fact that no one had viewed my blog in months and then one person did the day before she took her life... I knew that was her. And I felt like I let her down again. I played the "what if" game (nothing good ever comes from it). I guess I feel guilty because maybe I could've written the right thing that would've given her enough hope. I was so outgoing and caring before her. She changed that in me. And I don't blame her for it, because she was an amazing woman. She went through hell and never got the amount of love that she needed. But I wasn't enough of a support for her. She needed more. And I still feel helpless and guilty about it all. I have a lot of sorrow and pain that I've kept inside. I'm taking steps to help myself face this. I recently really fucked up and almost lost the most important person in my life. I'm done losing people. Writing this feels good. I just need to remember to talk too. <3